Help for "Co-parenting" with a Sociopath - Another great lovefraud. com article

This article gives great advice and suggestions for how to establish and maintain no contact with your ex-NS should It still have legal rights to your child.

Love and hugs, Laura

Psychopaths' brains wired to seek rewards, no matter the consequences

Psychopaths' brains wired to seek rewards, no matter the consequences

Political Ponerology - A Must Read!

The presence or absence of concience is a deep human division, arguably more significant than intelligence, race or even gender.

-Laura Knight-Jadczyk Editor of Political Ponerology by Andrew M. Lobaczewski

Game Theory, Evolution and Pathologicals

Game Theory article on lovefraud.com

Psychopathy as evolutionary niche pdf article

The sociobiology of sociopathy article.

Haiku sent by a Fellow Traveler

My storehouse having burnt down, nothing obscures my view of the bright moon.

-Japanese Haiku author unknown

Resistance is Futile

This retreat has solidified all of what I’ve come to know to be true about recovering from a pathological relationship. While differing in specifics for each fellow traveler the process shares some essential qualities. One of these is the absolute need to purge the poison of evil we’ve consumed during our victimization. The nausea that our awakening brings causes us to vomit all of the gory details of what our respective pathologicals did to us. * Luckily I had O to help me through my purging. She had a vested interest in my healing process since we share the same psychopath. Most of us don’t have that luxury or even the luxury of having someone around who understands at all. Those of us who find avenues (though I’m not sure there are any others) like the retreat I’m attending find, perhaps for the first time, other survivors and an opportunity to share our stories and purge, purge, purge. **

For the past year I’ve been politely purging on this blog and rudely vomiting on my friends and family to the point of alienating them. I think I’m almost done with that part of my healing process, and am very glad. It feels remarkably like the sensation of relief one feels after actually physically vomiting as the nausea subsides and you pray that was the last time for a while.

Of the many insights I’ve gained during the course of this retreat there is one in particular I think will serve me the most afterward. That is that no matter what specific things our specific pathological did to us (and they are remarkably the same) the end result is the same. Inevitable harm by an incurable psychopath. Focusing on the minutia of what happened keeps alive the illusion that we can somehow figure out a way to avoid evil. But we can’t. And it is that fact… that evil exists, that it has always existed and that it will continue to exist until the end of the world… that each of us is resisting with our entire being.

I have spent my entire life struggling to eliminate “evil” in some form. Whether the evil of capitalists, war, misogyny, racism or whatever; I believed that human beings are ALL inherently good and can, therefore figure out a way to live in peace. This was the fundamental belief that I have lost. For other fellow travelers it is a fundamental shift in how they view God or whatever belief system they have in place. What is common to all these belief systems is a stubborn refusal to accept that evil exists, has always existed and will always exist until the end of the world and that there is absolutely NOTHING we can do to eliminate it. Resisting the acceptance of this reality is futile. The misalignment I feel is the final vestiges of the cognitive dissonance that defines a relationship with a pathological. We as normal people have been trying to reconcile being with resident evil while denying its existence. Continuing to try to understand why a pathological did this to me is an attempt to find a solution where there is none. It did it because that's what psychopaths do and there is NO changing that.

As a philosopher I have studied these questions in great depth, but have struggled tooth and nail to resist the seemingly pessimistic view that human beings are not redeemable as a species. My whole cloth rejection of Existentialism and Post Modernism is the most obvious example of this resistance. My guess is that if any of my philosophy professors are reading this they are probably smiling. I hope one day to smile about it too, but I'm feeling pretty pessimistic at the moment.

Love and hugs, Laura

*There are lots or reasons why and how this happens, e.g. PTSD symptoms, brain chemistry, etc. I highly recommend reading Women Who Love Psychopaths: Inside the Relationships of Inevitable Harm by Sandra Brown.

**Thank you Sandra Brown and the Institute for Relational Harm Reduction, for providing this safe space.

It Won with a 49

I am currently attending a retreat for survivors of a pathological relationship given by Sandra Brown entitled Healing the Aftermath of Pathological Love Relationships. Sandra is a cutting edge leader working on helping survivors of psychopathic love relationships. She is the author of several books including, Women Who Love Psychopaths - Inside Relationships of Inevitable Harm. Attending this workshop is a gift I wish all survivors could receive. Today was the first day of the five day retreat. Although I was going to wait until after the entire event was over to blog about it I decided to write this post in advance while it's still fresh in my mind. I'm emotionally drained and very tired, so I don't plan on editing this. My apologies for typos or lack of clarity in this post....

Robert Hare is well known in the field of psychology as the leading expert on psychopathy who developed the first standardized test for psychopathy. His work has been primarily with convicted criminals, but the test has proven to be accurate in measuring psychopaths who remain under the legal radar. His tests include a psychopathy checklist test for those involved with psychopaths. This makes perfect sense since accurately testing psychopaths themselves is virtually impossible since part of psychopathy is pathological lying.

From Wickipedia:

PCL-R Model of psychopathy

The PCL-R is a clinical rating scale (rated by a psychologist or other professional) of 20 items. Each of the items in the PCL-R is scored on a three-point scale according to specific criteria through file information and a semi-structured interview. A value of 0 is assigned if the item does not apply, 1 if it applies somewhat, and 2 if it fully applies. In addition to lifestyle and criminal behavior the checklist assesses glib and superficial charm, grandiosity, need for stimulation, pathological lying, conning and manipulating, lack of remorse, callousness, poor behavioral controls, impulsivity, irresponsibility, failure to accept responsibility for one's own actions and so forth. The scores are used to predict risk for criminal re-offence and probability of rehabilitation.

The current edition of the PCL-R officially lists four factors (1.a, 1.b, 2.a, and 2.b), which summarize the 20 assessed areas via factor analysis. The previous edition of the PCL-R^[4] listed two factors. Factor 1 is labelled "selfish, callous and remorseless use of others". Factor 2 is labelled as "chronically unstable, antisocial and socially deviant lifestyle". There is a high risk of recidivism and currently small likelihood of rehabilitation for those who are labelled as having "psychopathy" on the basis of the PCL-R ratings in the manual for the test, although treatment research is ongoing.

PCL-R Factors 1a and 1b are correlated with narcissistic personality disorder and histrionic personality disorder. It is associated with extroversion and positive affect. Factor 1, the so-called core personality traits of psychopathy, may even be beneficial for the psychopath (in terms of nondeviant social functioning).

PCL-R Factor 2a and 2b are particularly strongly correlated to antisocial personality disorder and criminality and is associated with reactive anger, criminality, and impulsive violence. The target group for the PCL-R is convicted criminals. The quality of ratings may depend on how much background information is available and whether the person rated is honest and forthright.

I have known about this test for some time, but have (subconsciously) avoided taking it. Last night when Sandra announced we would be taking it, my first reaction was to fear that It would rate below the cut off level for psychopathy. This is a normal reaction given the nature of pathological abuse and victims' proclivity toward minimizing their abusers behavior and even though I am aware of that reality still wondered how It would "measure up."

After listening to the introduction stories of the four fellow travelers who are also retreating I was fairly sure It would fall below the men that these women were describing. I decided that I would approach the test as openly and objectively as I could, not awarding It any leniency based on the "good" times nor condemning it unfairly. After all, I really want to know what the hell happened to me and this is a useful tool.

Surprising to me -- but not to anyone else I know -- It not only tested fairly high on scale, but was higher than my fellow traveler's pathologicals with a 49 out of 60 (30 being the cut-off.)

This knowledge is both validating and unsettling. It seems that even with all of the research I've done and distance I've gained I am still minimizing It's pathology and what happened to me. This test validated my experience in a very tangible way. But it also made me even more grateful than ever that I was able to escape as quickly as I did. This man IS dangerous. VERY dangerous. For whatever reasons it may not be acting out now, but it is capable of so much more than even the unspeakable damage it has already done to those around It.

One thing is a given, It is, by definition, incapable of changing or even improving. It will continue to damage and destroy all who come in close contact with it. Knowing that someone is a psychopath isn't enough. Case in point - Hare, like other mental health professionals, was consistently taken in by his inmate patients knowing full well who he was dealing with. No one is immune... the only real safety is in NO contact. I pray for the safety of all those who come in contact with It.

Love and hugs, Laura

Another GREAT lovefraud article from Kathleen Hawk; "Comfort and Joy

Part 15 of the "After the Sociopath - How do we heal series. It never stops amazing me how similar our stories and healing processes are. Excerpt:

"Because the challenge is threatening, because it makes us question ourselves and what we know, the first part of the learning seems like recognition of evil in the world. Sociopaths seem to be dark messengers, informing us that our love, goodness and hope cannot triumph over their selfishness, greed and senseless destruction. But in time, we come to realize that this lesson is not really about evil at all, but despair."

Love and hugs, Laura

Emily Saved My Life

Several of my recent posts have paved the way for me to finally get around to writing this one, a post which is long over due and one that I've thought about writing many times over the past year. I've hesitated writing it for several reasons. First, it is almost impossible to tell this story without a solid understanding of the events that led up to it without it sounding as if It was somehow justified in doing what It did. Funny, as I typed that last sentence I realized that there is NO way It could be justified and that my prior hesitation was based on self-blame, the most debilitating kind of victim blaming. It's definitely time for this post.

When I separated from my first husband I was in a solid position to start a brand new life. I was finishing up graduate course work and preparing to write a thesis. I had a successful business teaching martial arts and self-defense for women and girls. I had recently published a book, Training Women in the Martial Arts: A Special Journey. I had a solid five figures in my bank account and no debt. I had a close network of friends and lived in a community who loved and respected me. My goal was to finish my course work and then begin thinking about opening a school and applying for a Women's Studies teaching position in Arizona, Colorado or New Mexico when the time was right.

After It, I still have the book and I made it out west.

But I also have Emily. Emily is a 48 pound Portuguese Water Dog, who saved my life....

When Oliver died I felt as if I had lost the very last part of who I was and the dreams I had dreamed before meeting It. At the time I thought I had given them over to the man of my dreams. But, of course, I had actually been robbed of them by a sociopath. When I look back it's clear to me that there was always a small part at the core of my being that knew what was happening. It was the part that prevented me from investing too much in a life with It. For example I resisted starting a career and making close friends in Saratoga. In fact I resisted anything that resembled planting roots there. Somehow I knew It was temporary and was going to come crashing down around me. It was only a matter of how and when.

Life with a sociopath is filled with thousands of emotional paper cuts that leave you bleeding and drained. Some of them become infected and fester, others are kissed and salved by the sociopath. This is the dynamic that creates a bond much like experienced by those victimized in the Stockholm bank hostage incident for which The Stockholm Syndrome is named. Paper cuts hurt! Sometimes it's all we can do to focus on anything else with a fresh paper cut. Imagine having thousands of them. When someone helps relieve the pain we are grateful; EVEN if they are the one who cut us in the first place. The more cuts the less able we are to heal. Some get infected. Others scar over. We get used to the pain and long for whatever relief is available.

In the midst of it all I decided my life felt incomplete without a canine friend. Over the years I had been told by several close friends that the Portuguese Water Dog would be the perfect breed of dog for me given my tastes and lifestyle. In spite of It's objections, and after a great deal of deliberation (mostly about the problems I'd face with It) I decided to find a breeder and adopt a Portie. I adopted Emily in June of 08.

My dogs have always been my kids, i.e. members of the family. I've always permitted them in the bed to sleep with me and have treated them as if they were almost human. Though It liked Emily (It found her to be a fabulous status symbol, especially when the Obama family started discussing adopting one) and treated her kindly for the most part, Emily was never allowed in the bed and spent a lot of time in her crate. She did join us on camping trips and really enjoyed swimming in Lake George etc, but I had to buy Emily her own tent as she was not permitted to sleep in the same tent with us. That tent cost a pretty penny and was deliberately destroyed by It while It was packing my things (a story for another time.)

I felt awful about Emily being sent so often to her crate, but since that was what she knew I dealt with it and rationalized that it was just one of the kind of compromises made in any relationship. What I didn't realize was that Emily was nourishing my core being and would end up being my wake up call.

As time went on I began to soothe my paper cuts with alcohol and marijuanna. Before It, I drank only on occasion and hadn't been in the presence of pot since high school (with the exception of once on a trip to Europe.) My self-esteem was in the toilet. I was too fat ( 5'5" - 135 solid muscle), not pretty enough, not feminine enough, not young enough and on and on. I went from being a feminist who spoke out publicly about violence against women and body issues and who was openly and vehemently opposed to cosmetics, to a woman considering plastic surgery and any other means to please It. After a skiing accident, followed by surgery and a blood clot which forced me to close my martial arts school in PA I was alone in It's world and began spiraling downward more quickly.

After several breakups and reconciliations I moved into It's house in October of 2008. I later found out that the only reason It reconciled with me was that It wanted my help moving, paying rent, and cleaning house. By that time I was aware that It has NPD and was trying to get It into therapy (I believed they could be cured at that time!). Things were unraveling at that point faster than I could cope with and I began to abuse alcohol like there was no tomorrow.

Each November 1st there is a huge pagan festival in Saratoga called Wickerman. It and I attended Wickerman in 07 and had a beautiful time. It was attentive and charming. We danced, ate, drank and enjoyed the event. The 08 Wickerman festival proved to be the exact opposite and the end of the road. Over the last several months of our relationship It became increasingly aloof and inattentive. It spent more and more time chatting on line, at work and less and less time with me. It became more and more openly critical and abusive. When we were out, including at a concert on our anniversary, It would wander off and leave me alone. It would especially like to do this when we were at places where I didn't know any one.

The night of the 08 Wickerman was seasonably cold for upstate NY. This year we took It's son and Emily to the event with us. In contrast to the previous year It wandered off the moment we got there and avoided me at every turn. I tried unsuccessfully to tell it how I was feeling an to find some folks to hang out with. I ended up standing around alone. I started drinking beer and later switched to wine trying to escape how desperately lonely and frightened I was that I had moved in with a man who was completely uninterested in my feelings. I became very intoxicated and got very sick on the way home. It had to pull over several times for me to vomit.

It's new house was literally in the middle of nowhere. When we reached the house it was hitting freezing temperatures. It pulled in the driveway and I got out to vomit again. I passed out in the driveway. When I came to, I realized I had somehow gotten to my car and pulled out a sleeping bag that I kept in it. I had no idea how long I was out for or how I managed to get the sleeping bag. I do know that without it I might have frozen to death. I looked over at the side door and saw Emily (who was only 7 months old) laying on her bed that I put in It's car for her. She wasn't tied up and her bed was covered in frost. She was shivering. I wrapped her up in my arms to try and warm her. I found that It hadn't locked the door, but It made no effort to insure Emily or my safety. I took Emily inside to her crate and held her for a while. I promised her we would get out.

I went to the bedroom to find It sleeping peacefully. I woke It and simply said, "I guess you want me to leave." It replied, "Yes." I laid down and tried to sleep.

There is so much more I could add to this story, but it's impossible to really convey the darkness and emptiness I felt. What I remember most is that my awakening enabled me to see a dark emptiness in It's gaze. A gaze I once saw intense attentiveness in. I read somewhere that sociopaths have the ability to look at you like no one else can and it is true. In the beginning they are exciting and it seems like they are looking deeply into you. In a way they are. They are studying you. But that same empty stare that once seemed so affectionate becomes terrifying once they've used you up. That's what I was finally able to see after that night.

It's not uncommon for an abused woman to stay in an abusive relationship as long as the abuse is confined to her. Once he starts abusing her children she will often wake up and take measures to get out. Emily saved my life. I got out for the love of Emily.

It's last words to me, as It looked at Emily waiting patiently for me in my car, were, "Look at your beautiful dog." As I drove away I thought to myself... No one will ever hurt my girl again. She will always be permitted in my bed no matter who else is sleeping there. She is my best friend and my Angel. Emily and I are living our dream in AZ where we are both respected and well loved. Although we share out lives with two other dogs, Emily will always be my most special girl. My beautiful Portuguese Water Dog who saved my life.

Thank you Emily for saving my life. Mommy loves you!

“Why is this so hard for us mentally?” - Another great article by Liam Leedom MD on lovefraud.com

Excerpt: ..."At the beginning of a relationship, sociopaths determine what a victim’s most sacred dreams are. They then proceed to convince the victim that they are the answer to those dreams. Victims often feel that the sociopath is their dream come true, not realizing that they told the sociopath their dreams and the sociopath then used the information to deceive. No one wants to give up his/her most sacred dream. Sociopaths know this and count on it. This fact makes victims enter a state of denial in order to preserve the illusion that these dreams have come true. When that state of denial is finally broken, depression sets in. The depression is about a feeling of hopelessness that the things wanted most in life will never be achieved."

Love and hugs, Laura

Closing A Very Big Door (at an incalculable cost)

Dear O…

It’s time for me to close a very big door. For the sake of my own healing process I’m asking that we cease contact as long as you remain entangled with It. As long as you’re in It’s web, contact with you is like breathing second hand smoke. Not as dangerous, but dangerous nevertheless, especially for an ex-smoker. Contact keeps me too close to the web. I need to be completely free.

I love you, and I love E*** more than you know. You will continue to be in my thoughts. I’m confident you will continue to find ways to cope. You are truly one of the strongest women I know.

I want to thank you for all of your kindness and love during my escape and recovery. I’m not sure I could have done it without you. When you are ready to escape I am available if you need me. Until then…

Love and hugs, l-

Requested Posting by my Ex-N/S's Ex-wife

I, of course will publish this response at your request…. with my reply insertions. :)


Whew! Guess I hit a nerve. Your bluntness is appreciated but I think in your haste to publish you forgot some aspects of my situation in particular, and, in general, the reality that most people have to hold down jobs where they encounter N/P bosses and will become a liability on society or someone else if they just up and run away. Or, as in my case, they have children with N/Ps which puts them in an unbreakable parenting partnership for 15-20 years unless blood is shed.

Nope… no nerve. Just stuff I’ve been thinking for a while. I am working with an N co-worker at my job now and am planning to quit and find another one if she isn’t dealt with by the management. There is no unbreakable parenting situation, especially when there is abuse going on AND THERE IS ABUSE going on. Difficult to prove yes, but you have lots of documented evidence, witnesses and a diagnosis from a professional. At the very least you could fight for professionally supervised visitation, forced counseling etc.

I realize you cannot fully understand the shift a child creates, but one of the things I have valued in our friendship is that you have been the one person who seemed to truely understand just how much strength it takes for me to co-parent with It and forfeit my personal life in the process. Clearly your empathy on that front did not run as deep as I thought and/or you felt the need for a smackdown here. Since you publicly posted your point of view on my coping skills I hope you will be fair enough to your readers with children to publish this response.

I empathize completely with your pain. In fact my intention in this dialogue is to help alleviate it. In coming in contact with other survivors with children AND knowing Moms in other kinds of abusive situations I know it is possible (albeit VERY difficult) to get out. My empathy is what makes me want to see an end to the abuse. Where we conflict is our view of the situation. I don’t believe you are co-parenting. He is not parenting, he is abusing and damaging you and your son. I lived with him for a year and spent a lot of time with him while he was “parenting” your son. No divorced couple engages with each other in the way that you two do (weekly dinners in your home, holidays spent as a family) let alone with a pathological ex. What It calls co-parenting, and demands with threat of reprisal is designed to keep you deeply entangled in his web.

Of course you are correct that all victims should RUN from narcissists & sociopaths and maintain NO CONTACT in order to thrive. I told you that the minute you saw the real It and you've read it over and over in your research. However, you've also read and forwarded to me plenty of info on how to cope with a pathological if you can't run (i.e. "The Wizard of Oz and Other Narcissists").

Yes. And that’s what I meant by support. I wholly agree with the feminist shelter movement that we must always support a victim’s choices and you know that I think you’re amazing (how many times have I said you are the strongest woman I know?!) But ultimately there is no can’t… definitely more you CAN DO in your situation. You’re financially solvent. You have a network of friends for support and buckets of evidence that you are dealing with a sociopath. There is no reason on earth that this man should have so much control over your life and be allowed to continue damaging that boy.

If I follow your well-meaning, simplistic advice to RUN, my son will end up living with his narcissiopathic father fulltime with no reprive, validation or actual love as I will be serving jail time for kidnapping.

That’s the fear he’s nurtured in you. I know you’ve done general research, but have you checked into all of your options and rights with an attorney specializing in this area? With the women’s shelter? A therapist?

I'm assuming you were not suggesting that I run and leave my child behind. Even if I could convince my little boy that he is being abused because mommy is not being respected and he is being used for supply (have fun explaining "supply" to a child), I could not find a court who would grant me sole custody on the basis of invisible abuse. I have read the legal blogs on lovefraud.com etc and my situation would be laughed out of court. My support check arrives on time, the father never misses a frequent and fun-filled visit, the child returns bubbling with joy at the great time he's just had and there are no visible bruises.

Yes… all GIGANTIC challenges. But there is so much more information available on invisible bruises and so many more avenues for victims to utilize now. And of course I wasn’t suggesting you leave your son behind. But there is absolutely a way to limit the hours It spends alone with him and end the hours YOU are spending with It. It misses visits when it’s convenient for It. We know that. We also know that the less compliant your son becomes the less bubbly will be the times with Dad. I watched your son scramble for entire weekends trying to please It. We both know that It can be a fun playmate and yes that poses a HUGE challenge, but I maintain that no amount of fun trips and outings are worth the damage that is being done. This is where we’ve always disagreed.

You know that I know there is irreparable damage being done to my son by his N/P father under the surface. You know that I have a thorough understanding of what's happening to him and it sickens me and breaks my heart more than words can convey. I guess hitting me over the head with it was helpful to you in some way even if it wasn't kind. For the record, you did not enlighten me here. I'm fully aware that my son's father is deeply emotionally ill and therefore an abusive user (evil, if you prefer that term) and that it is very damaging for my child to be around him, but you offer no responsible, viable option for how I'm suppose to keep the boy away from his father.

I’m sorry if you think it was unkind. It of course wasn’t meant to be and it in no way serves any purpose for me other than presenting a perspective from outside of It’s web, having been in it . A perspective you haven’t been able to see since you started dating It. I know you know, but I also know a lot more now about how a pathological keeps victims in a state of constant fear and anxiety. It’s part of what makes us stay (in whatever capacity) and comply to their wills. Just as it was impossible for me to think clearly while I was caught in It’s web I am suggesting that there is more that you can do than you’re allowing yourself to consider because you are still being manipulated.

Running away is the ideal situation and all victims without children should definitely make every effort to do so, but it really isn't a realistic option for those of us who need to earn a living and have to provide support and security for a child enrolled in school. And, yes, all therapists will tell me that my only option for a real life with happiness is to get completely away from It while at the same time all say that I cannot demean the father to the son and I cannot legally take the child from the father.

Given that you can’t legally take the child you legally limit It’s contact and you protect yourself with no contact. Because there are no legal constraints on It, It has manipulated your life in order to maintain It’s fantasy family, including frequent family dinners cooked by you, family outings to film openings, fireworks displays and GrandIt’s house and mandatory holiday dinners. I agree there is no way you’ll be able to ban It from your son at this point. But there IS so much more you can do to protect the both of you from damage. I’m suggesting your fear is preventing you from doing that.

There is no way it is appropriate for me to tell a 9-year-old that his father doesn't really love him. That will not square up right now with what he regularly experiences. I can move across the country; the result being that my son will spend half the year living with his father and half living with me. All the therapists also say that bouncing around is bad for the kid and all agree that the less time the child spends with the father the better.

Those aren’t the only options. A good therapist , who is well versed in sociopathy and PTSD can help your son understand what It is and isn’t capable of in a way that is appropriate to his age and square up with his experience. NO need to move, but certainly no need to continue as a family. Yes the less time with It the better. What we need to keep in mind is that most of the advice that’s out there about what is good for kids in divorces is based on kids of normal divorced parents, not of sociopathic fathers. Let’s look at it this way… if It were a child molester, serial murderer (Ted Bundy was fun too!), or drug dealer would that advice apply. NO! Well, YOU KNOW that most sociopaths stay below the legal radar, but it doesn’t make the damage they inflict any less damaging. What I’m saying is you can’t think about your situation as if it is a normal divorce. That’s It’s story. It loves to brag about how it is co-parenting and how cool and close you two are. It calls you It’s best friend!!!

Well, the only legal way for him to spend less time with his father is for him to live with me in a stable environment (i.e. home with paid mortgage in one place, consistent schooling, actual love and boundaries from mom) and visit Dad for short periods of time (in my case, an average of 30 hours a week including sleep overs). Is that too time much given the pathology? Of course it is, but it is the least I can get away with legally and any chess move I make will only increase the time the kid spends with Daddy. If you see a move I have that I can't see, by all means please advise.

Again I hear fear talking here. Is it warranted? To some extent possibly, but I do see moves. Lots of them . First putting an end to the fantasy family. How confusing for a child to see his divorced family try to act like a united family, especially when that’s what he wants more than anything. The more the fantasy is built up the harder it will be when it comes crashing down around him. That means no more holidays, in your home visits etc.

I also want to point out that lots of kids do fabulously who have moved around from state to state apartment to apartment with one or both parents. Kids are very resilient and very few kids have the kind of Leave It to Beaver stability that is the Itman fantasy life. Kids need REAL love and genuine bonding more than the best house and school district. Your son is entrenched in a life that is a lie. A lie that is composed, orchestrated and conducted by It.

I completely agree with your point of view if it was all just about me. In your world it really is just all about you. You do not have a child to think about and focusing as much time as you like on your pain and alleviating it is an option for you. That is not my situation as you well know. I have to make having the N/P in my child's life work in the most pleasant way possible while mitigating the damage with validation and all the other tools my knowledge gives me. Judge away from over there, because I know for sure that I'm doing everything I possiblity can to keep my son and I as healthy as is feasible given the reality of our circumstances and I just have to live with the rest of it like anyone who has a handicap.

Yes. I am judging. Remember that I am the first person who has been caught in It’s web and seen from the inside what is happening to your son AND who has escaped AND who is in a position to give you that perspective. I am thinking about your son and I am considering what I would do if I were in your shoes with It’s child… something you know I once longed for with GREAT envy. I love your son. I bonded with him. I miss him. I hate what’s happening to both of you with all of my being. I have also talked to other mothers who are survivors. There is more than one view here. The fact that I don’t have a child is irrelevant.

I've been at this for 8 years and I have not made the decisions and choices I have in my own little vacumn. Not a year has gone by that I have not distanced myself more and more from It, the holidays and mixed visitation the older my son gets. There has been a lot of changes in how I handle many aspects of things since you left and I have absorbed the retribution dished out by the Its without blinking. I think you are forgetting that I allowed myself to be included in group things more often when you were on the scene as I enjoyed your company and having the 4th person made it seem less like I was his wife and more like we were just a group of people who all cared about the kid. I will not be repeating that mistake, but that was my thinking at the time as you and I have discussed. The way you are remembering how I move through the holidays is not how it's done without you and less and less how it's done with each passing year as my son gains age and understanding.

YAY!!! I hope this trend continues and the pace quickens! And I enjoyed my time with you as well as you know. :)

It really is ridiculous to think I can just tell It and the grandmother to their face that they are sick Ns and think that they will sculk away and leave me and my son alone if only I had the balls to call them out. Seriously, Laura, you know that I can scream it in their face and they will just grow a new skin in 5 minutes and go about their next purpose. The only result will be that my son will experience hostility and fighting and my energy will be further drained.

I’m really not trying to oversimplify how incredibly difficult your life is and has been. I know it has. Nor am I oversimplifying how extraordinarily difficult it will be to change the situation from what it is. Nor does what I meant by “coming out” mean screaming in their faces. What I mean is letting others know exactly what It is officially, with a therapist, the women’s shelter. REPORT the abuse! And what I’m suggesting is working QUICKLY toward NO contact for you. Figuring out a way to mediate and protect the child WITHOUT succumbing to the fantasy life. There are agencies and people out there who are able to clearly see the invisible bruises and who call a sociopath a sociopath. Not suggesting they’ll be easy to find, but they’re out there and they can help.

There will absolutely be a time to name it for what It is to my son, but 9-years-old isn't it. I know for sure that bad-mouthing his father will get me the opposite of what I want for my son. He will loathe me for telling him the horrible truth. He, just like the girlfriends, must experience It revealed before I can say much of anything. I do not sugar coat the It's behavior and when my son experiences the rants, selfishness and entitlement, I make sure he knows the label for it and that I don't respect that behavior. You're suggesting I inform my child that his father and grandmother are evil and he must never see them again. I know for sure that doing so would cause another kind of damage. I'd rather not be his abuser.

I agree and we’ve discussed this. I LOVE LOVE LOVE the devices you come up with to help your son unpack what’s happening to him without badmouthing It. What I am suggesting is that there are ways to help him understand the reality without playing into the fantasy AND without becoming the bad guy. A good therapist can help you do that.

Here’s a thought. Find a counselor trained in sociopathy and start going regularly with your son. (If money is an issue demand it from It. It’s HEALTHCARE for your son!) Then demand that his father attend sessions periodically. Of course It will try to refuse, but if It really wants to maintain the mask of normalcy It will have to consider going for the benefit of the child. This will help your son and you cope while building up a stronger arsenal for future battles.

You reference that one of the first girls on the scene after my divorce asked to meet with me which you suggest was my que to warn her. She was asking the right questions for what she knew at the time and I answered her in full and then some. She left the meeting and discussed my comments with It who then learned to not facilitate private meetings with the girlfriends and me after screaming at me for "filling her head with my poison." She ended up leaving It a year later when she had a belly full. Nothing I said caused her to leave until she experienced him in full, but my telling her he was untrustworthy had the affect of limiting my ability to drop clues to the future victims.

Did you say NPD? Abuse? Sociopathy? I remember you telling me how guarded and careful you were with your answers for fear of retribution. Honestly, if you had asked me to look up NPD or sociopathy when we met I would have taken you very seriously. I understand your hesitation, but I think you underestimate the power that’s behind an accurate label. I also think you underestimate how much women watch each other’s backs. We take each other’s experiences very seriously. Not always, but usually.

I have to say that I'm more than a little suprised by your black & white approach to what I thought you understood was a very complex issue. You are clearly angry with me for not warning you, but even your own friends couldn't talk sense into you at the time. I tried to point out that it was crazy for you to commute to school from NY to PA, etc., and you would hear none of it. I'm sure you thought at the time that I was just trying to keep you away from him. How was I suppose to warn you when you were being told by the love of your life that I was a jealous crazy woman? You are out of control to publicly criticize me about not saving his other victims when we've been over this many times and you know full well that neither you or any other girl will listen to my warnings until she's seen under his skin. You can certainly argue that he uses me to enable his abuse, but my focus has to be on what is best for my kid and not on saving people who are not of a mind to be saved when they are under his spell.

No, I am not angry with you for not warning me. And I am not criticizing you for not warning It’s other victims. I understand fear, especially the fear of his retribution. And it’s not your/our job. What I am suggesting is that you aren’t acknowledging the reason for not being more forthcoming, i.e. fear.

My own friends NEVER met It. My therapist at the time told me that the relationship sounded extremely healthy and like it was the first time I had ever experienced REAL intimacy. (How good is his ability to mimic when it’s even translated third party!!!) That was the picture they got. My friends started to see the changes in me much later. It was when Ty said “I don’t know who the fuck you are any more” that I partially woke up!! No, I didn’t think you were trying to keep me away from It. I trusted you from the beginning. The reality was that I was commuting the same distance either way, living up there or in Central PA. Your argument for me not moving up there wasn’t applicable.

I could not be happier that you were free to run and are building a new life in AZ. I don't want to see the massive effort to accomplish that tossed aside with the beer bottle.

You know I was abusing alcohol like crazy when I was with It. I even smoked pot with It (Another abuse It is often high when “parenting” and driving your son around.) Astonishing really. I went from an almost total Tea-totaller to drinking almost every day. I drank to escape the pain It was inflicting on me, and to be quite honest, I think I knew that it would end up pissing It off to the point of no return. The irony is that my self-destructive behavior was actually self-preservation.

I like good beer. I don’t abuse it any more. I rarely drink to escape now (excepting a less and less frequent trigger episode) because I have escaped. But I still like beer. :)

My point, said with love, was that you might want to consider adding some other layers in your life as what I'm hearing from you (I'm particularly thinking of your 1st anniversary blog and a phone conversation we had last month) is that you are not happy with your weight and how it's making you feel and that is connected to medicating your pain with junk food and beer.

Without chronicling my daily diet, there is no junk food in it. Yep I still drink a beer when I get home and sometimes with dinner. I also drink a beer after a really hard ride. My weight gain happened primarily during the first three months of healing. (Yep medication) My high blood pressure and depression kept me much less active for the last year. My life here is actually becoming very rich. I’m developing a network of friends, I have a job. I’m slowly regaining focus enough to work on my thesis. I’m in a wonderfully healthy relationship with an amazing man. I ride almost every day now and have three wonderful four pawed kids. All that I ever wanted… yes tainted with PTSD and all that comes with it. But I’m doing everything possible to get better. I’m in therapy. I’m reading, going on a retreat. Hypnosis, EMDR…And maintaining no contact.

I know that ONE of the pieces of the healing pie is being occupied/distracted with tasks that add to your life. I completely understand that you get high on helping other victims and validated in therapy and research and those are also important parts of the pie too.

Blogging and helping doesn’t get me high. In fact it pains me. I just wrote another e-mail to someone asking for my help explaining that I am not qualified and sending links to available options. Yes it is validating to be in contact with so many other survivors, but it is also very saddening to know just how many of us there are.

I was merely suggesting that you can't have healing without the whole pie and spending the bulk of your time with your mind and energy focused on NPD and other forms of victimizaton cannot be a good thing. As with everything in life, it is not balanced. I believe my exact words were along the lines of next year how 'bout adding some time focusing on your career, sports and home. I never suggested you stop therapy or stop helping others with all the expertise you have gathered over this last year or that making the decision to treat yourself different was easy.

Remember that my career BI demanded I spend the bulk of my time with my mind and energy focused on forms of victimization. That’s what I mean by my background and why I feel obligated to continue the work.

Also, consider that you and I spend most of our time talking about NPD. Gives you a pretty one-sided view of my life. I wish you lived closer so you could come hiking with me and the family. We could go out for beer afterward. ;D

You have all the ingredients for the best Christmas you've had in several years, and I truly hope you have a wonderful time and savour it. Love, O

Will do!

Love you (and the child) too! l-

Choices and Free Will: A Letter to my ex N/S's exwife

The following was written to my exN/S's ex-wife as part of an ongoing discussion. I have removed identifying information for her (and her son's protection). I'm posting it here because I think it may be useful to fellow travelers. Love and Hugs, Laura

Hi,

Glad you and "your son" liked the card. Seeing cactus decorated in lights is really odd (and beautiful!) I realized this will be the first winter of my life that I most likely won’t wake up to a blanket of snow and I’m surprised and a little sad about that to tell you the truth.

I’m glad all my hard work has given you some new insights and coping tools. .I am moving forward with the help of very knowledgeable experts, who all agree you simply can’t just will your mind to recover from a pathological relationship. It’s not simply a choice. The trauma pathologicals inflict on their victims, including you and your son, creates a specific kind of neuro pathway that has to be torn down and rebuilt in order to heal. That does require a kind of reprogramming by way of positive thinking and focusing elsewhere, but it requires much more. Refocusing alone isn’t enough. Further, it can’t be accomplished while you’re still in the grips of a pathological. If you’ve watched I Psychopath – think about his wife. She thinks she’s coping well. Is she? If you listen to her she’s reframed EVERYTHING… She goes so far to claim that she actually DOESN’T NEED LOVE!!!! Coping is not healing.

I know that all of your advice comes from a place of love AND from understanding and experience. But the more I think about it the more I realize that, in most ways, I'm miles ahead of you in the healing process because I'm not in the web and am no longer being victimized. No matter how you frame it you will continue to be victimized as long as you choose to engage with him. Our experiences necessarily overlap, but I’ve come to realize that while you lost the fantasy life that was It (D.I) and continue to give up so much because of It (A.I), I gave up more in terms of my life before it (BI). BI I had extremely high self esteem, a successful business, money, a network of friends I could bank my old age on, a career and was doing well in school. I lost it all. We can talk about accountability all day long, and yes I chose to go out on the first date with It, but no matter how much I want to reframe it and “take ownership” It methodically stripped away everything I had built up little by little. Yes, I’ve learned why I was attracted to It and can better avoid getting trapped again, but It stole my life from me, forcefully and deliberately, just as It continues to hold yours hostage.

Though they would support you, I don’t believe any of the psychologists or therapists I been in contact with or read would advise to keep allowing what you are allowing. While you’ve found ways to cope (just like Vaknin’s wife has) you will never be able to heal and have healthy relationships while you are still Mrs. It because, for all intents and purposes you are still It’s wife. The only thing missing is sex and a common house. Case in point, you spend every major holiday with It and GrandIt instead of with people who genuinely love you and your son. And you KNOW they don't and CANT love either of you. They are wholly incapable of it. I know for a fact that It thinks of you as his wife that he generously "shared" with me. No matter how you rationalize it your son is being harmed with every exposure to It and GrandIt. Yes you do great damage control, but he, and you, are still being damaged. The damage It does to your son simply isn’t worth any amount of ski lessons, camping trips, or financial bling. It is incapable of bonding with your son. He, like you and I, is simply a possession. It has bonded as much with It's car and skis. How is your son going to feel when he realizes the truth?

On the surface, as does everything about It, it looks fine. But there is nothing normal or appropriately parental about this man. This is a man who (along with countless other abuses) twice had sex with me in a motel room with your son in the next bed, yet to the outside world It moralized about not wanting your son to get the wrong idea about our being in a relationship. Hell It even drove me to (and paid for! :0) a motel a couple of months earlier rather than let me camp out BEHIND CLOSED DOORS in It’s bedroom with It while GrandIt was there. You can think that was an anomaly in my relationship with It, but ALL women It will be with will eventually 'allow' inappropriate behavior. If they don’t, they won't be with It for long. And inappropriate behavior and abuse will happen (and I suspect worsen over time) whether It is in a relationship or not. You’ll just be less likely to hear about it. In addition to skiing your son is learning how to treat women and manipulation techniques. He’s learning that while his Mom demands a modicum of respect she also cow tows and bends to a sociopath’s will. My choices landed me in a sorry state, which I’m crawling out of, but your "choices" are destroying your son and your life even with the damage control you struggle to maintain.

You often ask me to give you sources of advice for others who are in pathological relationships because I HAVE become a kind of expert on the subject. Your advice to me a year ago was to RUN and don’t look back. It’s my advice to you now, and no matter how you rationalize it being better for your son, it isn’t! You are choosing to stay in a damaging and destructive pathological relationship. Do you honestly think you are freely making choices now? It may feel like it, but it isn’t. It REALLY felt like I was freely moving to NY (and It repeatedly, and loudly insisted it WASN’T because of him) but the choice really wasn’t mine alone. I know that because I DID FREELY choose to move to Tucson which felt and feels very different. I regret nothing. The so-called "choices" I made to be with It left me with nothing and regretting everything. Do you really think you’re free? How will you choose to spend your next holiday? Will P*** (or any man) ever be allowed openly in your life? One thing I’ve learned is that when you’re caught in the pathological web, it is impossible not to acquire a skewed view of the world and take on some of their pathology. I’ve never said this before, but when you talk about the reasons for your choices you sound remarkably like It and GrandIt.

Because of my background and my writing skills I am in a unique position to help other survivors. Doing psychopathy education is an extremely healthy outlet for me. I believe this will especially be true once I’m a bit more recovered. It isn’t focusing on It. It’s focusing on my, and other survivors’ recovery, and prevention. Instead of letting It know that I know what It is… which I needed to do, and did, I choose to expose It to the world. That’s what takes away It’s power. Letting It know that you know what It is while allowing It to stay under the radar and manipulate you and your life doesn’t take away any of It’s power. In fact in some senses it gives It MORE power, i.e. “look, see she knows what I am and loves me and allows it anyway.” And yes It thinks you love It. And It knows you’re afraid to expose It and that It forces you to make choices that enable It’s abuse.

At least once a week a new survivor finds my blog and tells me how helpful it is for them. It has you so controlled you won't risk "coming out" under the guise of 'they won't listen’ or ‘I'll be punished". I’ve learned that they will listen. Maybe not right away, but eventually. Hell one of It’s victims even scheduled an appointment with you! She WANTED to know, but didn’t know what questions to ask! I care more about keeping them safe than I do about what It thinks. One who is not in It’s web cannot be punished. Doesn't your son have a right to know what his father is? And how he destroys people? Don't you wish someone had told you your mother was incapable of really loving you and it's not your fault? I do!! I wish someone would have protected me. Your son is suffering from a huge delusion that his father loves him. What happens when he learns that’s a big fat lie.

What are you really focusing on? Not just in your head, but in your actions? Your life? Your career? Your emotional health and well being? Nurturing genuine loving relationships for yourself and your son? Or is your life consumed with compromises damage control manipulation deceit and pain? Lots and lots of moms have escaped less abusive situations under much much harder circumstances. You can make a choice now. I know we disagree on this, but the fact that It is genetically related to your son is not a good enough reason to be held hostage. And you both are. Think Stockholm Syndrome.

After my retreat I expect to have gained enough tools to take a few more (and bigger) steps forward toward emotional freedom. You’re right. I am strong enough given the right tools. And you are too. But it can't be done while you’re still caught in the web. Run! Run for your and your son's life! Run!!!!! You are strong enough. You can do it!

With love and respect,

l-

p.s. I’m ccing my therapist with this (your notes are deleted) and I’m going to post an edited version of this letter on my blog. I think others might find it useful.

Cylons and Sociopaths or I Dated a Toaster

Recently I started rewatching the new Battlestar Galactica (BSG) series. I really love(d) this series during the three phases of my life - Before It (BI), During It (DI) and After It (AI). Each phase has brought a new appreciation for the sheer brilliance of the series.

I've always been a huge sci-fi fan ever since I first stepped on the bridge of Kirk's Enterprise, so my becoming a BSG geek was no surprise to anyone. It has all the right stuff, cool technology (in this instance a kind of retro steam-punk variety) great "aliens" and human heroes.

BI I was especially drawn to the treatment of women in the show, which is unprecedented on many levels save the second season feminization of Starbuck debacle. Women in this series do enjoy a kind of equality never before seen in sci-fi television, not even Voyager, which was a true landmark. In any case BSG fit my passion, my personality all of my political sensibilities at that time.

DI BSG became something we did together. It was intelligent and interested in all things geeky (not one of It's bad traits.) Discussing the nuances of the highly charged social, political, moral and metaphysical aspects of the show with It was intriguing. (It was not a fan of Starbuck-shocker huh?)

It has taken me a year to get to a place where watching the series doesn't trigger me. I am grateful that it was something I enjoyed BI making it a bit easier to come back to. I decided to share the series with John (my significant other) who shares my love of science fiction films. Since he hasn't seen any episodes we've started back from the beginning of the series. I'm also grateful I haven't seen the series conclusion and will be able to share that with John. But what's fascinating to me is a new parallel I've discovered in the series that I'm guessing my fellow travelers will also be able to see. Cylons are great metaphors for sociopaths.

Cylon (also spelled Kylon from Κύλων) was an Athenian associated with the first reliably dated event in Athenian history, the Cylonian affair. Cylons—from Cybernetic Lifeform Node—are a fictional race of sentient machines, created by humans. They were originally mechanical, but evolved to a biological form and are almost indistinguishable from humans. Since they were created by humans they consider themselves to be evolved from humans, superior to us and righteously indignant. But what they lack, and aim to acquire through their plan, is a human soul. They want to bond with humans, mate with them and create and advanced species of Human-Cylon DNA.

From that brief description the parallel becomes clear. They lack the capacity to bond, to truly love and feel empathy. This is what they most desire... sound familiar? Watching them struggle with their inadequacy while all the while claiming their superiority is at once pitiable and loathsome. Again... sound familiar?

Another interesting parallel is the reactions of humans who were unwittingly intimate with Cylons. When they find out they feel outraged, angry, hurt, duped...

Watching BSG now is much creepier than it ever was, but in a healthier way. Thinking of sociopaths as Cylons is a useful metaphor for me. It allows me to forgive them in some senses while keeping a sane emotional distance. If you like science fiction and haven't yet checked out this series, do so. It's worth it no matter what stage you're in.

Love and hugs, Laura

Another insightful Lovefraud.com article

This article offers insight into how it is possible for sociopaths to hook normal healthy women and keep them hooked.

Excerpt: " Sociopaths and psychopaths are con artists. They entice others to form attachments to them through deception and trickery. The problem is that our unconscious minds do not distinguish between attachments made after deception and those made legitimately. Furthermore, the anxiety psychopaths create in their victims only serves to strengthen attachment!"

Love and hugs, Laura

Patrick Stewert speaking out against Domestic Violence

Of course his father was not necessarily a sociopath, but this is an important video nonetheless.

love and hugs, Laura

Sociopaths Exploiting Your Faith - Another great Steve Becker lovefraud.com article

Sociopaths Exploiting Your Faith - Another great Steve Becker lovefraud.com article

Excerpt: "...what sociopaths and other exploiters prey upon—our faith—is what most of us are naturally inclined to give. We want to have faith in others. We want to believe that others will have our backs, not stab our backs in order to take something from us and then leave us, heartlessly, to grapple alone in confusion and despair.... "

love and hugs, Laura

Faces of Sociopaths

The Socialized Sociopath

YouTube - sociopath

YouTube - sociopath

A Holiday Message for Fellow Travelers from The Institute for Relational Harm Reduction

Please check this out!

2009 Christmas Message


Happy Holidays!

hugs and love, Laura

One year later...

I started this blog one year ago. Since then, so much as changed yet I am still imprisoned by a man who I haven't seen or spoken to in that time.

If I were to describe my external life I would say that I have everything I've ever wanted. I live in Tucson AZ (a long time dream of mine) in a beautiful house in the foothills of mountains with some of the finest singletrack in the world and two kick-ass bikes to ride it with, a Jeep Wrangler to get to the trailheads and over 300 days of perfect riding weather each year.

I live with the most giving, loving and respectful man I've ever met and am Mom to three beautiful dogs and a sweet kitty. I have a father who loves me unconditionally and who assures me that I will never want for anything important. At the moment I have all the time in the world, good health insurance, enough money to live. I eat well and have a comfortable bed to sleep in at night.... so WTF? When am I going to feel good again? Will I ever be able to actually enjoy it?

My entire body hurts most of the time. I have high blood pressure and early onset menopause. I've gained thirty-five pounds. I have no energy. I can't focus and have no motivation to do anything. I cry at the drop of a hat and wonder when it will all be pulled out from under me. I hide in video games, food and beer and can't seem to sleep through the night because of continual nightmares. Though I feel no love for It at all any more and am more than happy to stay out of contact with It I am still plagued by thoughts and memories that intrude on every aspect of my life. I haven't had fifteen minutes free of It since I left.

Friends said give it time... just wait... a year from now it will all be different. Okay, it's different, but it's also the same. I'm tired. I just want to feel good again. I've done everything "right" in terms of self care. I've maintained no contact, I am regularly seeing a fantastic therapist who specializes in PTSD and sociopathy. I've developed a network of supportive friends and family. I journal in the form of this blog. I do a hypnosis CD every night. I've educated myself to the point of knowing more about sociopathy and narcissism than some PhD's in the field. I simply don't know what else I can do.

I'm still gaining weight, still crying at the drop of a hat, still waking up two or three times a night because of nightmares, still wondering about what It thinks and feels, still struggling to accomplish minimal everyday tasks let alone write the thesis I need to finish. I feel like giving up.... Though I win a few battles here and there I'm tired of the war. I'm out of strength and ideas.

One year later... better and worse in the aftermath of It.





love and hugs, Laura

Who I Was...

I miss her...

Super Women With Super Traits: Victims of Sociopaths are GREAT Catches

Tonight I listened to a lecture on the intensity of pathological relationships by Sandra Brown. This lecture helped me to revisit her book Women Who Love Psychopaths, which I've already highly recommended. In the first edition Sandra wrote:

"...before the psychopath landed in their lives, [their victims] were financially secure, had good self-esteem, goal direction and competitive attitudes." (p. 38)

This quotation begs the question of why we, a group of truly powerful women, are the most likely to end up in these abusive relationships. Sandra is at the forefront of studying sociopathology and is heading leading a phenomenal organization called Institute for Relational Harm Reduction (The Institute). Based on studies conducted by The Institute Sandra reports that women who end up in relationships with psychopaths test SIGNIFICANTLY higher (80-97%) than other women in several specific temperament traits (ingrained aspects of our personalities):

1. Relationship Rewards Sensitivity: When things go well and he is giving us positive feedback we are highly motivated. It also means that we are much more motivated by the positive aspects of the relationship to be very forgiving when things go awry. We respond much more strongly to the positive than to the negative in a relationship.

2. Relationship Investment: Relationships are VERY important to us. We are very relationship oriented.

3. Tolerance

4. Loyalty

5. Trustfulness

6. Hopefulness

7. Bonding

8. Cooperativeness

In discussing these common traits Sandra points out that they are all WONDERFUL, and are incredibly positive when in relationship with a NORMAL man. But in relationship with a sociopath they are used as weapons against us. So, the irony is that while our super traits make us so suitable for good relationships, they also make us much more vulnerable to pathological ones.

To all my fellow travelers who tire of the victim blaming and being told that there is something wrong with you that made you vulnerable to them, KNOW that what makes you vulnerable to them is exactly what is RIGHT about you. :D Indeed it makes sense for us to be more aware and vigilant of our super traits, but the only repair work we need was caused by them.

If you haven't checked out Sandra's work, please do so. So important in our healing process.

Love and hugs, Laura

Institute for Relational Harm Reduction

If you can afford it... buy these CD's, DVD's, books and other materials. I can not recommend them more.

Minimizing and Blaming: A Coping Mechanism (Editid Post)

A fellow traveler recently asked me if people I talk to about my victimization tend to minimize what happened. I answered her with a resounding, "Yes!" During that conversation we decided that unless you've been in a relationship with a sociopath it's impossible to understand. Though people want to help they simply don't know how to because they have no experience to refer to. Another aspect of this reaction is that sociopaths murder with thousands of paper cuts. Described individually none of them seem that bad and it's impossible to grasp the effect of a thousand of them at once unless you've experienced it.

But as I thought more and more about this I started to wonder why survivors also minimize the pathology and damage and why minimization feels like victim blaming. I realized that victim blaming (whether directed at the self or others) and minimization share an important characteristic. They help the minimizer/blamer to feel safe and in control.

It would seem that we, and those who care about us, wouldn't want to embrace this harmful logic. So why do we? Because it HELPS US to COPE. It is a "Not-Me" logic that asserts that what happened to you won't happen to me and if it did I won't be damaged by it because I am in control. It is the logic that sells self-defense courses that promise safety in a dangerous world.

Not-Me Logic: A Kind of Denial

The Not-Me logic behind victim blaming goes like this:

• If I am in control it is possible for me to be safe regardless of what kinds of monsters are out there.
• Since it IS possible to avoid being victimized by the monsters, there is something wrong with whoever falls prey to one.
• If there is something wrong with victims I am safe because there isn't (or is no longer) anything wrong with me. Even if there is something wrong with me, I am in control so I can fix it and stay safe.

The Not-Me logic behind minimization is much more difficult to unpack, but it goes something like this:

• Since there is something wrong with victims that landed them in a pathological relationship in the first place, what he did isn't as horrible as it seems.
  
• Since what victims experience is the result of something being wrong with them, I am safe because there is nothing wrong with me, or I can fix what is and stay safe.
  

One of the many ironies of my relationship with It was It's fervent desire that I become like a sister to It's ex-wife. This was ironic because, more than anyone, she has the power to reveal what It is and yet It invites and encourages the relationship. It does so because like all sociopaths It has a strange kind of optimism that directs It's actions. But It also knows It ultimately wields power over It's ex-wife because they share a son and she is still deeply entangled in It's web and is not immune to It's pathological manipulation.

What's more ironic is that in the end we have become like sisters - "Sisters-In-It". Not only do we share the bond of being survivors of a sociopath, but of the same sociopath. This is an extremely important and valuable relationship and I love and respect her deeply. She is one of the strongest women I know. That said, we have had many disagreements about It's motivations, severity of pathology and my own responsibility for what happened.

Not-Me Logic Offers Comfort

I now believe that most of our disagreements stem from the fact that she feels trapped in a relationship with It for the sake of their son. (More irony...in the beginning of our relationship I went on and on about how much I envied her sharing a child with It. A fate I wouldn't wish on anyone now.) What I'm beginning to understand is that in order to cope with a very dangerous pathological relationship she MUST embrace a logic that says there is something wrong with me (and to some extent with her.) To do otherwise would force her to live in a constant state of fear for herself and her son. Believing that she has control over the situation allows for a modicum of peace within it. Because we know that sociopaths are capable of manipulating even the most learned and skilled experts, embracing a Not-Me logic acts as a kind of protective armor against the terror that would ensue otherwise.

Minimization of Pathology

Another discussion we recently had was regarding sociopaths' ability to bond with other human beings. All of the research indicates that while they can attach to others, they are wholly incapable of bonding with them. The attachments they form are much like our attachments with a favorite car or piece of jewelry. My Sister-In-It often minimizes the severity of It by calling him "mild" and refusing to use the term sociopath. He is, according to her, merely a narcissist -- bad yes, but not as bad as a sociopath. It seems that this sort of minimization allows her to let her son go off with a man who is incapable of loving or bonding with another human being. A man who thinks of his son as simply a valuable (for the moment) possession. I am beginning to understand the necessity behind this kind of denial. I cannot imagine sending someone I loved off with It believing otherwise.

Minimization of the Aftermath

In addition to the psychological effects of a pathological relationship I have also been struggling with a number of physical problems since leaving It. I now suffer from high blood pressure, weight gain, fatigue, and have recently been diagnosed with early onset menopause. Both my doctor and my therapist attribute all of these symptoms to my relationship with It. It does seem more than coincidental that all of these ailments began since the relationship and are commonly associated with PTSD. But my Sister-In-It believes that I am attributing too much to what happened to me. Of course according to Not-Me logic if these symptoms are not the result of the relationship then one has less to worry about concerning their own health.

Head-in-the-Sand Wishful Thinking

I was recently accepted for a five day retreat for survivors of sociopaths and called my Sister-In-It to tell her the good news. I also expressed my wish that she could one day get the help she needs and enjoy something like this retreat. Her response was that she wouldn't be interested in anything that required her to think about narcissists for that long. While I certainly agree that obsessing over it isn't healthy I had to wonder how much of this head-in-the-sand attitude is related to the Not-Me logic that helps so many cope with fear and anxiety.

The Gift of Fear

One of my goals is to one day incorporate my experience with It into my career as a women's self-defense instructor. One thing that I knew before it, and am even more sure of after It, is that NO ONE is safe. The best we can do is keep our head out of the sand, get as much reliable information as possible and make decisions accordingly. I've said over and over again to my students there is no self-defense technique that works in every situation but there is always something you can do to help keep yourself safe. The first step is to acknowledge that we are all vulnerable to one extent or another, that none of us is in complete control and that fear is a gift that let's us know we are in danger. Not-Me logic acts as an emollient to fear, ultimately making us more vulnerable or keeping us in pathological relationships.

love and hugs, Laura