Destruction...

Philosophers are often concerned with the "essence" of a thing. That is to ask, what is it about something that makes it that particular thing. Further, how much can that thing be changed before it is no longer itself?

I've been thinking about this question in terms of my own being and if my ex-N destroyed my essence. To put it another way, did my ex-N change enough of my attributes to make me indistinguishable from what I was?

I miss who I was, Sabum Nim Laura Kamienski. My life was whole. I was able to have a positive impact on the lives of women and girls through my work and my studies, in an extraordinary way. If it is true that sociopaths seek to destroy strength and goodness, I wonder if these very qualities made me more prone to be his target. Did he want to destroy the leader that I had become? But more importantly, am I still a leader? If so, of who/what? What was it that was lost in me? What qualities? In what order did I lose them? How did he destroy them? Are they retrievable?

When I was Sabum Nim I stood tall. I had energy. I was strong! My strength was both physical and emotional. I had integrity.

Sociopaths get something out of the destruction of another. But ironcally their method of destruction is disguised in a kind of creation. In their molding (manipulation) of their victims they are creating a new being. From the outside this seems like a positive, or at the very least a harmless, action. But what is lost is the fact that in order to create the person the they desire the old one must first be destroyed. What power! What control!

So, what am I now? Who am I? Am I Sabum Nim? No. I am no longer that woman. A woman that truly liked and admired. Now, I am the survivor of a sociopath struggling each day to again become someone I like and admire. But even though he stripped so many qualities that made me admirable, my essence is in tact. It is that tiny shining light I try to focus on. The part of me that enabled me to become Sabum Nim and will again enable me to become a woman I like and admire.

This is the journey of the survivor...

Love and hugs, Laura

"Mild" sociopath = Covert sociopath - No less dangerous!

The following is an excerpt from an excellent article on lovefraud.com that clearly articulates the mistake that so many of us make... to believe that a sociopath is somehow "mild" who does not commit overt violence. I believe that the covert sociopaths actually do more damage in the long run for two reasons: First they are far less detectable and second, they commit no "illegal" acts.

Love and hugs, Laura

Learning to identify people with “covert” psychopathic traits in the “wild” is much more difficult than identifying “overtly dangerous” people with psychopathic traits, since most of the people who are “overtly dangerous” will swagger around “looking like a thug” and wanting to impress you with their potential for violence. It is sort of like the difference between the pit bull dog who bares his teeth and growls, versus the dog that quietly sneaks up behind you and sinks his teeth into your calf without any warning growl.

In either case, the best test of either the overt or the covert psychopath is their behavior, rather than what they say. If you observe someone do something (anything) to another person that you deem unjustified, ugly, nasty, hateful, revengeful, etc., then you should be very careful around that person and be watchful of them.

A friend of mine who was a dean of students at a prestigious college was literally sexually attacked by one of her fellow vice-presidents of that college; fortunately she was able to get away from him. Six months later, though, when he was appointed the new college president, his first act was to fire her. She hadn’t seen it coming. She was not only devastated, but was shocked and surprised. She shouldn’t have been. She had been warned that this man was a psychopath by his drunken sexual attack, but she kept her mouth shut at that time rather than “cause a stir.” Later, her silence at the time of the attack cost her her job.

The covert psychopaths count on people being “peace keepers” and keeping their mouths shut about observed bad behavior. They also count on “small” instances of bad behavior being over looked, even though these “minor” transgressions of “niceness” add up to a large mountain of bad behavior over the long haul.

Another thing that is against our being validated when we observe and “label” these instances of psychopathic behavior is the lack of validation we get from others who also know this person, but are not nearly as aware of what it “means” as we (former victims) are. They may pass off the behavior as “Oh, that’s just John” or “Well, he probably didn’t mean it that way” or “Oh, just get along and play nice.”

The covert psychopath may not be physically violent at all, but instead, may only engage in emotional and mental abuse of his/her victims by demeaning and degrading them with subtle put downs. The covert psychopath may also do financial or career damage to their targets, and a covert smear campaign against a co-worker or boss can destroy a career or a reputation.

No understandable motive

Because we, many times, fail to see a “motive” that we can understand for the behavior of the covert psychopath, it makes it difficult for us (and others) to believe that “s/he would do that,” because we cannot see what s/he would gain. Unfortunately, many times the “motive” of the psychopath is the same answer as the mountain climber gave for climbing a very difficult peak, “Just because it’s there and I wanted to prove I could do it.”

It might be fairly easy, you would think, to spot the “overt bad boys” by going to a “bad part of town” or “gang turf” and looking at the guys swaggering in and out of bars or selling drugs on the street and say “that guy acts like a psychopath,” and you might even be right in your assessment, but maybe not. But you can’t be sure you are not dealing with a psychopath at a debutante ball, or a civic meeting, or a political rally, a church group, or a business meeting either, because the fact that people there are cleaner, better educated and dress nicer doesn’t make them less apt to be a psychopath.

My sperm donor used to tell the press that he was “eccentric” and “the reason he was ‘eccentric,’ instead of ‘crazy’ was because he was rich!” Unfortunately, I think in many ways he was right, as people who are in a powerful position because of fame, money or other reasons, seem to be allowed more range in the behavior that is considered “acceptable” than those of us who are not so rich or powerful. Their power over other’s lives, finances, and emotions I think is what feeds their egos and their sense of entitlement to “control” others. Those of the human race who are not high in psychopathic and narcissistic traits don’t usually consider “control over others” to be a stand-alone motive to use, abuse and manipulate other’s lives for their own joy. That being said, it is difficult for us to see this as a viable motive in others who do have the psychopathic traits.

Is effective revenge possible? Not really... but

Of course when you reach the anger stage you begin to wonder what sort of revenge is possible against a sociopath and you begin to realize that almost everything you can think of would provide him with an invaluable source of narcissistic supply.

I was thinking a lot about whether anything could cause my ex pain and I finally settled on his disfigurement. After all what else but his own inability to gather NS could cause him any more pain than he's already in.

I discussed these feeling with my closest friend and he reminded me of a scene from the film "Princess Bride" (1987) in which the hero (Westly) is confronting his enemy (Prince Humperdinck - who is clearly a sociopath) and says to him,

Westly: "To the pain," means the first thing you lose will be your feet below the ankles, then your hands at the wrists, next your nose.

Prince Humperdinck: And, then my tongue I suppose. I killed you too quickly the last time; a mistake I don't mean to duplicate tonight.

Westley: I wasn't finished. The next thing you lose will be your left eye, followed by the right . .

Prince Humperdinck: And, then my ears, I understand. Let's get on with it.

Westley: Wrong! Your ears you keep, and I'll tell you why. So that every shriek of every child at seeing your hideousness will be yours to cherish, every babe that weeps at your approach, every woman who cries out: "Dear God, what is that thing?" will echo in your perfect ears. That is what "to the pain"means. It means I leave you in anguish, wallowing in freakish misery, forever.

Love and hugs, Laura

The background noise... living with the aftermath

It makes me so sad (and angry) to know that I have such a long road of healing ahead, but I keep trying to take my life back one bit at a time.

At this point it all feels like background noise. Behind every thought, every feeling, every sensation is him, his voice, his touch, his demands, his deceit. There's nothing that isn't tainted with him. I'm thousands of miles away and in no danger of ever hearing from him again, but I still wonder, "Will I?"

I still love what I thought was him... what seemed so real... what seemed like the first time I'd ever known real intimacy. But I hate him for making me love an illusion more than I loved myself. For turning me into someone who so thoughtlessly gave up everything and everyone I ever loved and who ever loved me in favor of his 'love'.

Right now I have absolutely everything I ever wanted in life. EVERYTHING... I'm living where I've always wanted to live, with a beautiful man who truly loves me and two amazing dogs, with the worlds best singletrack and three of the best mountain bikes ever made and I still have this background noise of sadness.

It's like living with arthritis... pain all the time... yet you still keep going.

A final letter for my ex...

On several occasions my therapist has recommended that I write a letter to my ex. One that he'll never see, but which allows me to say everything I want and need to say to him. This is a common therapeutic practice that I have resisted until lately. I've been seriously thinking about it for a about a month now. I actually sat down a couple of times to write it expecting a long diatribe of furious epithets and pitiful sorrow. But after several attempts and staring for hours at a blank screen, what I've finally settled on not only surprises me, but IS also surprisingly liberating.

My final letter to my ex would read as follows:

Dear ***,

I know what you are.

Laura

The Narcissist’s Commandments

You must not disappoint me.

You must not inconvenience me.

You must recognize all of my expectations as reasonable.

You must, at all times, accommodate me.

You must recognize my “special needs” (special in an important, not disabled, sense); and must always satisfy them.

You must be glad for my good moods, and understand and tolerate my bad, nasty ones.

You must see my anger, rage and contempt as always arising for justifiable reasons.

You must make tireless efforts to placate me when you’ve upset me.

You must appreciate that my comfort supercedes yours and everyone else’s.

You must find what interests me, interesting; and you must convey your interest.

You willingly assume responsibility for my happiness, and blame for my discontent.

You must never oppose or defy me.

You must always know what I want without my having to ask; and you must always communicate what you want without my having to ask.

You must recognize that double-standards are unacceptable, except when they’re mine (in which case they’re not double-standards, just differently applied standards).

You must stop shoving the word “reciprocity” in my face. Reciprocity means that both of us do what I want and need.

You appreciate at all times my importance and significance, or I’ll find someone who will.

You recognize that, even though we’re both “tired” at the end of the day, my fatigue is ten times more valid than yours, and so you cut me ten times more slack than I cut you.

You worry about your accountability to me, and I’ll worry about my accountability to God.

You find that everything I say makes sense (and therefore brooks no opposition).

You appreciate that your value to me is proportionate to how good you make me look, and feel.

You somehow sustain yourself as an alluring sexual object to me, or I license myself to satisfy that demand elsewhere.

You may have noticed that what underlies all of these commandments is an inflated sense of entitlement (the attitude at the heart of narcissism). I look forward to your feedback and to your adding creatively, and from your own insights, to my assuredly uncomprehensive list.

Trust

Don't know how I missed article 11 in Kathy Hawk's series, but it is on trust. So timely for me.... I encourage all survivors to check this (and the entire series) out.

Love and hugs,
Laura

Reclaiming Self Love

A very quick post as I'm short on time....I received a notice for the next installment of Kathy Hawk's amazing series on healing from a sociopath, entitled "Reclaiming Self Love." For me this is the most critical question because unlike any other kind of abuse the sociopath's main weapon is soul theft. But what does that mean? It means you're left different than you were. He steals all that makes you you and molds you into what it is that he wants you to be for the moment. The worst part for me was the loss of my integrity. Reclaiming self love is difficult enough after an abusive relationship, but even more so when the survivor has to rediscover who the self is.



love and hugs,
Laura

Reminder; After the Sociopath How do we heal series...

There have been several installments in this series since I last updated it. As always I highly, highly recommend it. The latest installment is on Forgiveness. Amazing stuff....

love and hugs,
Laura
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Here is an excerpt, click on the title link to read the whole article.

,,,Here are some of the things we may be thinking as we approach forgiving:

• These angry or frightened feelings don’t have any place in my life anymore. I want to move on.
• I’m ready to find more interests than this bitterness
• I want to clean up my emotional system so I become more positive and optimistic
• I’m starting to remember how I felt before all this happened, and I want to recover some of that joy of life.
• This just isn’t worth the energy I’ve been giving it

But to forgive, we have to overcome one major obstacle. Fear. Forgiving is actually part of overcoming fear. But we have to face it head on too.

Fear and forgiveness

The progress of healing involves us becoming more and more real about what happened and how we feel about it. In anger, we get closer to recognizing our fear, but our reaction is to throw things at it – blame, threats, vengeance, work on fixing things so it never happens again. In grieving and letting go, we accept the specific losses that we have endured. While that is good work, it also clarifies our vulnerability to random events or to specific threats in the world. We may work on accepting that vulnerability, along with our other losses, but it doesn’t change the fact that it exists.

And so now, our increasing awareness of the costs of our vulnerability raises a new issue. How do we live with the fear?

This question makes sense of all we’ve been through to process the trauma. We may have dabbled with fear in our processing. Asking ourselves “what if” this or that. What if no one ever loves me again? What if I am really too stupid to live? But we never sat down to really look it hard in the eye.

Because fear is an extremely uncomfortable emotion. In fact, if we look at all the so-called negative emotions, including shame and guilt, and do enough digging down, we find fear at the bottom of them. Other than love, it is the most fundamental emotion. And it is the antithesis of love or connectedness. We literally can’t feel love and fear at the same time. One will overtake the other.

Fear is designed to stop everything else until it is resolved. It generates the noises of anxiety and need for immediate relief, while blocking or compromising our ability to see into the future, our ability to fully recognize and enjoy what is around us, and our ability to take the normal risks involved in forward movement in our lives. It eats up our energy in a million ways and drives us toward behaviors that are about nothing but self-protection and relief from the mental noise.

This is why facing and acknowledging the fact that we are afraid can be such a powerfully transformative thing, all by itself. It is a form of clearing away all the intermediate structures of trauma-processing and getting down to the center of it in a totally authentic way. So we are no longer lying to ourselves or pretending. So that we are no longer trying to talk ourselves into irrational ideas about being stronger or safer than we are. So that we are finally clear about the fact that the universe whacked us and we don’t know when it will whack us again. It is out of our control.

This is tough stuff, the toughest of the entire grief process, and until we are ready for it, we can’t do it. Our minds won’t let us. We will slip and slide away into denial or bargaining or anger or another round of grieving and letting go, all the things that we know made us feel better than the stage before. And that is fine. Our minds have their own wisdom, and we face this issue when we have the structural underpinning in place to do this. It’s why the healing process is progressive.

But one way or another, when we come to think about forgiving, we’re going to run into this issue. How can I safely forgive if I really don’t know when I’m going to be facing the same thing again, or something worse? Or vice versa, how can I experience my fear if I’m relaxing my angry alert and protection systems by forgiving?...

Ups and Downs

Over the past several days I've had several startling breakthroughs. I AM healing! :D But it took the support of other survivors to remind me that breakthroughs aren't magical and that they require energy. Healing requires energy. So today I'm feeling drained and despondent, but with the love and help of my friends I'm not beating myself up for it.

This afternoon, my fellow traveler Sandra forwarded the following article to me. Unfortunately we don't know the original source. Reading it reminded me of just what I've been through and healing from. Thanks Sandra and all my dear fellow survivors. I don't know what I'd do without you. :D

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Daily Strength:

Abusive people honestly believe they are victims and always take every destructive outburst and turn it around so that they are the helpless and hurting party. Suddenly, the perpetrator is the victim and the recipient is the saviour. Quite insidiously, without our awareness, the abnormal becomes normal, as we make excuses for his behaviour and minimize the impact. Simple acts of considerateness are seen as shining stars of promise, illuminating the darkness of depression and cynicism. For a few days or weeks, he is full of kindness, bringing us flowers or presents, complimenting us, taking us out to dinner. Then suddenly, sometimes without warning, it all blows up in our faces as we're accused of expecting too much, of being selfish and thoughtless.

We certainly don't want to be those things, so we apologize and tell him we're happy without all those "extras" -- the extras being mere kindness and common courtesy. All we want is what we see others enjoying and taking for granted -- a peaceful, loving family. Is that too much to ask? And we are willing to pay any price to attain the treasure. Dreams die very hard. We truly believe we are in love with these men when actually we are only in love with the illusion we so cherish and desperately cling to.
Many of us seek spiritual guidance, turning to clergy for prayer, support and direction. We intuitively know the situation is beyond human aid long before we're satisfied with believing we've done everything in our power to make it work.

We read books, listen to tapes, even attend marriage seminars and earnestly apply what we learn to our own situations. We are told the promises and guarantees of applying these principles and hear testimonies from successful others. With our spirits revived and strength renewed, we gain fresh confidence and determination, believing we have now found the solution. We are recharged with that false sense of power, thinking we know what to do to make it all better. Everything we learn is true and highly effective in the average marriage. There's only one thing missing -- a sane, rational partner. It doesn't matter how fluently or eloquently you can speak English if you're trying to communicate with someone who doesn't know the language. We continue to treat them like normal adult human beings, expecting them to respond as such. When it doesn't happen, we try harder, applying still more patience, effort and understanding. It's like expecting a man with no legs to get up and walk. But we keep expecting, praying, hoping.

It's extremely difficult to get rid of the notion that he will one day start making up for his wrongs and start giving back all he has taken. We have been loyal, faithful and consistent in the face of impossible odds. We desperately want him to clearly see all the pain and humiliation he's put us through, and realize how loving and patient we've been. We want him to feel the full impact of our suffering by thoroughly putting himself in our skin, and to truly be sorry for the harm done. He owes us a great deal -- time, attention, love, peace of mind, security, stability, dependability, trustworthiness, faithfulness, loyalty, devotion, commitment ... He owes us the absolute fulfilment of his wedding vows and we plan to stay until he finally pays up.

It appears to others that we have no pride whatsoever or we wouldn't stay, yet we are driven by an incredible force of pride -- violated pride turned into anger. Twisted, backwards, but pride, none the less. There's nothing as humiliating as a disloyal spouse, especially in the face of our devotion and loyalty. In the overwhelming shame placed upon us, we become determined to hang on and prove to the world, and to the other women, that he truly does love us. We'll force him to love and cherish us.

The reason we cannot stand up for ourselves is because we daily live with his defensiveness and paranoia, falsely- accusing us and refusing to acknowledge our goodness and sincerity. We are determined to prove our worth, to make him see and admit that we are right and he is wrong, that we are good and he has been bad, that we have been saints and he has been a devil, and that he owes us the return of all the love and loyalty we have invested in him. If we do or say anything to make him mad, that will only give him a reason to defend himself and say that's proof that we are not loving, good- hearted women. We mustn't give him any real grounds to base his accusations on. We must always prove ourselves worthy, noble, honourable. As a result, we are driven to give, do, be, and sacrifice anything in order to prove our worth.

We lose our self-worth in trying to prove our worth to him. But it's never enough and we are human -- we make mistakes, we sometimes blow up from all the tension, and these things are unforgivable to him. He waits and watches for us to slip up and make one little mistake or to show one negative quality so he can swoop down and devour us with accusations, insults, mockery, and blame. Unknowingly, we sell our souls in becoming more or less than human, disallowed human needs and emotions. Only he has the right to his feelings and needs while we do not have the freedom to feel any differently than what he wants us to feel or to feel nothing at all.

I think one problem is that the outside world cannot possibly comprehend that any human being could be as cold, calculated and mechanical as the abusive person is. No one, they think, could be completely void of conscience that he could be so abusive without provocation. It must be the woman's fault, at least partially. Thus, we stay for the very same reason.

I still cannot thoroughly comprehend the truth about abusive people. Any loving, compassionate human being cannot believe that another person is void of love and sensitivity, which is what keeps us trusting and hoping in the goodness we believe we see in these men. It is a fact of human nature that each of us perceives life, other people, and the world in general according to what we are inwardly. Life is our mirror and we see only ourselves in everyone around us. This explains the love we believe we see and the deception the abuser believes he sees. They can certainly "act" loving and sensitive at times, showing guilt, remorse, and heartache.

What we fail to recognize is they are only sensitive to themselves, not to anyone else. They are so sensitive to themselves that they are paranoid, constantly fearing that others are out to get one over on them, to take advantage of them, to mistreat them. They have become the very things they fear. In order to guard themselves against being abused, they become abusive. It isn't that they are not void of conscience, as the psychotic murderer is. Yet, their conscience only serves to tell them what they "should" feel and be -- and the problem is, they do not feel what they know they should and have no desire to be what they know they should be. This inner battle enrages them, as they furiously defend themselves through all sorts of justifications and blame. They truly are sick individuals. We somehow sense this and it calls out our compassion and maternal instincts to heal and protect and nurture. That is exactly what these men count on. We believe we can love them back to health and soundness of mind, while they merely need someone to help them stay the way they are.

I think one problem is that the outside world cannot possibly comprehend that any human being could be as cold, calculated and mechanical as the abusive person is. No one, they think, could be completely void of conscience that he could be so abusive without provocation. It must be the woman's fault, at least partially. Thus, we stay for the very same reason.

If he gives us a place to live and food to eat, we are not supposed to want or need anything else. Even those provisions are inconvenient infringements upon "his" money. Everything is "his". His money, his time, his house, his vehicle, his feelings... He will rarely refer to anything in the marriage as "ours". If the wife has a car, it will be "her" car, meaning she is completely responsible for the maintenance and condition. He will not contribute time or money to her car. The children are "hers" too, unless he needs to use them as trophies to brag about, and then they aren't our children but "his". Practically speaking, they are her children and she is completely responsible for their care and for their behaviour. There is very little he will label as "hers", but the minute she gets out of line, he will take what is hers -- the car or the children -- away from her, to punish her, threaten her and thereby put her back in her place. They will almost always use the children to keep a hold of their wife.

Sadly enough, they truly do not care about their own children. That too is impossible to comprehend, but they have not developed the ability to recognize others as being individual people. It's as if they see themselves as the only actual human being on earth. The only "love" they feel for others is actually just loving the way others make them feel. That's the whole of their love-hate relationships.

Others are seen as completely responsible for the way he feels. If you make him feel good, he loves you. If he feels bad, it's your fault and he hates you. They expect wife and children to run to them with open arms, lavishing them with love, devotion and praise, making him feel like a god, and they are to treat him this way regardless of how he behaves, never asking nor needing anything in return.

Sometimes, he offers attention and affection, which we are so hungry for that we rejoice and feel satisfied. Our hopes are renewed with the vision of how it could be, having been given just a taste. Pathetically enough, we have been reduced to the family dog, sitting at the master's feet, waiting for crumbs to fall to the floor. We are so hungry for love that we thankfully lap up any crumbs we can get and hope for more. This is his control. We are starving to death, managing to survive on the few crumbs he offers, while awaiting the grand feast he continually promises.

We know there will be no peace in our lives unless he is happy, so we do everything in our power to please him. It is not a matter of worshipping him, but one of survival, self- preservation. If he is unhappy, there will be a price to pay. So we keep quiet and try to keep the children at bay. We are constantly taking his emotional temperature to determine how we must act. We must be on guard, prepared to impede a possible disaster. We must anticipate his needs before he makes them known, hoping we've chosen the proper approach. At times, we must smooth his ruffled feathers, pampering and soothing him. Other times, we must become invisible and leave him alone. After all, we are there only for his convenience and if we inconvenience him in any way, we will be punished, if not physically, then verbally and emotionally. No one else in the house can have feelings or needs when dad "doesn't feel good". And when dad does feel good, everyone else must feel good, too, or they ruin his good mood.

If you are angry, depressed or physically ill, you will either be mocked or abandoned. These men are truly emotional icebergs, entirely isolated and emotionally unavailable. They have built a fort around themselves which is impossible to penetrate and they will protect their walls with violence, just as in any war. To these men, life is a one-man war, and protecting themselves and providing for themselves means survival. They do not trust anyone, nor believe anyone has sincerely good and loving motives.

They believe everyone is out only for themselves, ready to destroy anything in their paths, just as they are. Through his belief that the whole of life and humanity revolves around him, we get sucked into that madness and our lives centre on him, trying desperately to prove our sincerity, to earn his trust and acceptance. He sees our attempts at emotional intimacy and our efforts to prove ourselves trustworthy as calculated, deceptive tactics to penetrate his fort and destroy him. The closer we try to get to him, the more layers he adds to his walls of defence, lashing out and pushing us further and further away.

No one can understand why so many of these women go back to their abusive husbands after finally leaving, and they believe she must have some sick, masochistic desire for punishment. That couldn't be further from the truth. We have learned to monitor his mood, taking his emotional temperature before we know whether to talk, laugh, be attentive, or to be completely still and silent. We may need something from the supermarket, but we must first determine his state of mind before we even ask to go. The children may have a problem or a need, but we don't dare bring it up until we are certain the coast is clear. There is a tremendous problem with building and centering your life around someone else. We do not crave the excitement of crisis, the heartache, turmoil nor abuse. Even after we leave, we do not know peace.

We cannot hear the silence nor feel the tranquility in his absence for the raging storm which continues to blow like a hurricane in our minds. We have lost ourselves in basing every decision and action on him. We have become conditioned to think, feel, and behave according to what we believe someone else expects. We have lost the ability to act independently and base our decisions solely on our own needs and desires. We have learned to base everything we do or don't do on what we believe or hope his reaction will be. For those women who grew up in abusive homes, they have thought and behaved in this manner all their lives and have never known how to be an individual. Without intense, professional help, we cannot learn to function as whole human beings, separate from another. Thus, many go back.

The only thing you can count on is that you can't count on anything.

Have you ever wondered what it would be like to live in a world without any rules? For example, imagine if traffic rules shifted arbitrarily. One minute red means stop and a few minutes later it means go. Later on red means that the area is under attack by aliens.

Or let's explore an even stranger scenario. Imagine that physics shifts without notice. One minute gravity is holding you down, the next you're floating in the air. On Monday your lungs breathe air to survive and on Tuesday you suddenly have gills and need to go under water. The following Monday breathing anything is optional.

This is what loving a sociopath is like. The rules change at a moments notice. One minute you're beautiful, the next you need a plastic surgeon. On Monday hugs are welcome, on Tuesday touching is off limits. July is the month that you're brilliant, in August you're seen as a moron. In the morning you're a great help, while in the afternoon you don't do anything useful. You're welcome one minute, unwelcome the next. His best friend at work, a mere acquaintance at home.

Life on this precipice leaves you a bit, well, edgy, and for good reason. You never know when you'll be the best thing that ever happened to him, or just a momentary amusement. Compliments are really backhanded criticism (or was it?). Which way is up? Which way is down... give yourself the greatest gift of all and find your way out as soon as you can!

hugs and love, Laura

PTSD-Defeat and Victim Identity

The sociopath is much like a tick

Recognizing the Real...

They say there's a silver lining behind every cloud. I guess the silver lining of the sociopath cloud is learning to recognize the real.

I've been nurturing a relationship with a man who is for all intents and purposes not "my type", but who is the kindest, most loving and giving person I've ever met. We have tons in common and he treats me not only like a human being, but like a woman who is beautiful, desired and loved.

I'm not sure I that I would have been capable of loving him if I hadn't gone through what I did with my ex-sociopath.

It is a bit ironic that it took being destroyed to find happiness. Pink wrote, in her song "Crystal Ball" that, "I wouldn't trade the pain for what I've learned." When I first heard this lyric I thought, "I sure would trade the pain...", but now I think I wouldn't. I am satisfied loving a man who is pure and real and wonderful and who is , for all intents and purposes, not "my type"... because what I've learned is that he is EXACTLY my type. :D

I love you John! xo

How Do We Heal? Part 8 - Waking Up by Kathleen Hawk

Next installment in a must read series! love and hugs, Laura

Am I Responsible For How He Acts? Do I Drive His Behavior?

www.saferelationshipsmagazine.com

(To go directly to the magazine, click the link above).

 

One of the most frequently asked questions in pathological relationship counseling is "Did I make the person behave like this?" The clients often believe they bring out 'the worst in them' or so the pathological wants them to believe.  The pathological likes to label their own acting out or cheating or other inappropriate behavior as someone else's fault. One of the characteristics of a number of permanent personality disorders is the trait that they don't take responsibility for their own behavior. They have a victim mentality and blame others and the world for their short comings and ultimately, their bad behavior. Normal people 'own' their own behavior, pathological people project it onto others.

 

By the time the client comes to counseling from the aftermath of effects from the relationship, they believe the relationship, it's problems and it's demise were all her fault. She believes the pathological's propaganda and has a lot of remorse, guilt, and self depreciating thoughts about herself that 'if she only acted differently then so would he' and the relationship would be on better footing.

 

Let me ask you this...."If he had brain tumor would you feel responsible that his body produced a brain tumor?  Would that be your responsibility?"  I doubt it. People do feel bad that someone else got a brain tumor but they don't feel 'responsible' or 'to blame' because someone got a brain tumor. 

 

The often shocking aspects of Cluster B personality disorders is that what is driving their behavior is not a brain tumor, but it is a brain disorder---in many, many forms. We expect that a brain disorder would be 'noticeable' to others.  It is--in time. By the time the relationship ends, you DO know that there are behavior problems you just don't know how, why or where they are generated.  Cluster B personality disorders carry with them an astounding array of problems stemming from the brain and their own neurology that are driving their impulsive, out of control behavior and distorted thinking processes.

 

Even a decade ago, we didn't have the information we have today about the wide reaching neuro problems associated with pathology and personality disorders. While for many years we may have 'suspected' a very physical reason for the behavior--the pathological lying, spending, cheating, violence, addiction, and other behavioral problems, we didn't have the concrete knowledge that is now generated from neuroscience, neurobiology, brain imaging, and other 
brain studies.

 

Here is a tiny snippet of the kinds of information being generated about brain dysfunction in personality disorders. This in no way covers all of it--but it gives us some place to begin looking at it as being as much a medical brain syndrome as it is a psychological syndrome.

 

Genomics--molecular building blocks of DNA affected by pathology

Proteomics--location, interactions, structure, and proteins affected by pathology

Neurotransmitters affected

Hippocampus--part of the brain that is related to impulsivity affected by pathology

Amygdala--part of the brain that is related to impulsivity affected by pathology

Neuroinformatics -A library data base about thousands of different brains and what is unusual about them including pathological brains 

 
Cellular signaling show involvement of genetics in pathology

Low levels of brain enzymes are related to violence

Genes on certain chromosomes create schizophrenia, bipolar, etc. New research wants to find out if it contributes to pathology.

Genetic vulnerability causes significant differences in neurological development in children with psychopathic tendencies.

The number of copies of different genes has already been linked with a variety of medical conditions and the expectation is that these copy number variants will be very significant in personality disorder research.

A complex array of varying genes underlies the many different outward manifestations of personality disorders which can be seen in early childhood despite a loving and stress free environment.  

Stressful/abusive environments can push a milder case of personality disorders into a full blown active personality disorder.

Phenotype images the size and shapes of brain organs related to personality disorders.

Serotonin reception 5-HT plays a role in controlling offensive aggression (or not!)

The lack of transporter molecules predisposes people towards impulsivity, emotional instability, etc.

Polygeny (a single trait that can affect many genes) seems to underlie personality disorders.

Those who metabolize dopamine faster are at higher risks for anti social behavior.

An enzyme that helps break down dopamine and serotonin are linked to impulsive and aggressive behavior, substance abuse, criminal behavior.

MAO-A gene is linked to Cluster B personality disorders
Neural circuitry problems are related to trouble with reinforcement learning so they are not likely to learn from punishment, also related to impulse violence.

TPH brain enzyme is related to behavioral problems associated with anti social behavior.

MRI imaging shows that areas of the brain related to excitability respond differently in psychopaths.

Certain words cause psychopaths to respond differently than normal people (blood, sewer, hell, rape, etc.)

Some parts of the brain show higher activity in psychopaths, some areas lower activity in psychopaths.

Weak limbic regions of the brain in psychopaths cause them to grapple with emotional language.

Corpus callosum is different in psychopaths so they process information between brain hemispheres differently which effects interpersonal skills and low reactions to stress, high reactions to aggression and unregulated behavior.

The amygdale in psychopaths have less reaction to fight-flight responses, causes them to feel restless, spurring them on to raising hell just for the excitement value.

Slower neural reactions are related to their lack of fear which is also genetically based.

Lack of fear throttles the development of the conscience.

Orbitofrontal portion of the brain causes psychopaths to have trouble organizing their behavior, reduces their ability to control their impulses and the ability to learn from punishment.

Difficulty with abstract meanings like the word 'justice' generated from right brain quadrant, also problems with nonverbal cues related to emotions.

 
Dorsolateral Prefrontal Cortex affects some personality disorders ability to think logically and rationally.

The anterior cingulate cortex affects some personality disorders ability to fpcus on something they don't wish to hear thus being able to block what they want to hear, it also produces (or doesn't) the feelings of empathy.

The limbic system which is affected in some personality disorders negatively influences their ability to regulate their emotions through emotional reasoning.

The hippocampus is affected in some personality disorders which negatively impacts the emotional response system.

Hyperactive amygdalae cause intense and slowly subsiding emotions when they suffer even just a minor irritation. This can cause an overreaction to a minor constructive critcism.

Lowered serotonin levels in the brain affects increased impulsivity
Smaller size of right parietal lobe in some personality disorders.

 

Yeah, I know--that's a lot of science to wade through but maybe you get the point...you didn't break him and you can't fix him. This fascinating decade of science has answered so many questions for so many---people who can let go of the guilt and fantasy that what's wrong with him is merely 'willful behavior' or 'a bad attitude' or 'needs more counseling.'  Personality disordered brains are different in their genetic make up, in their chemistry, their circuitry, regional brain development, their neurobiology and the list goes on. In fact, we are realizing so much of the brain is affected---in borderline personality disorder, in anti-social, in psychopathy--so much of Cluster B is traced now to significant brain impairment. (For more information read the book 'Evil Genes' available on our magazine).

 

www.saferelationshipsmagazine.com

 

For many years I have been teaching the 3 Inabilities related to pathology: The inability to grow to any great emotional depth, the inability to sustain positive change, and the inability to develop insight about how their behavior affects others. I developed these inabilities from 20 years in the field of providing services to the personality disordered.  Although I suspected there was hard-wiring and hard science behind it, it wasn't until recently that I was finally 

able to find out why the 3 Inabilities are actually correct and why they don't sustain positive change. It's not because they want to screw with your head....it's because of their head.

 

You didn't produce anything--you're not that influential to set up his genetic patterns.  Sorry--you're not strong enough to 'will' his amygdala to change. Bad news here--you are not gonna 'love' his limbic region into correct functioning. '  And hate to break the news that all the 'Law of Attraction' books isn't gonna get his brain chemistry to be normal.  And you might as well cancel the relationship counseling because being tolerant it isn't gonna change the size and function of various brain regions. If you stopped nagging or tried the relationship 'just one more time' it isn't going to alter his brain enzymes and neurotransmitters.  Even Batterer Intervention groups aren't gonna change his corpus callosum and make it less aggressive.

 

He doesn't have a brain tumor that you are responsible for 'giving him.' He does have a brain disorder and you aren't responsible for that either--how his brain did and did not form. In the medical world, we seem to accept some of the disorders much more easily like Cystic Fibrosis or Mental Retardation--of course, you can often tell by looking at the person that something is wrong. But even in pathology, that too becomes evident...in time but not through external medical conditions but through relationships. And while it is odd, where we DO find the symptoms of psycho-pathology related to brain dysfunction is right in the middle of your relationship.

 

www.saferelationshipsmagazine.com

Song by a Narcissist - Wow!

Sociopathic Weapons of Choice: A Post for My Ex's Victims Both Past and Present

When I first learned that my ex had been diagnosed with NPD I desperately wanted to believe that something could be done and that he was on the "mild" end of some sort of sociopathic spectrum. As my research continues I've come to the conclusion that those who are most often considered mild sociopaths are simply sociopaths who don't want to get their hands dirty. They choose not to commit acts of physical violence. Instead they prefer emotional torture, which all too often results in the suicide of the sociopath's victim. 

Since psychological aggression isn't considered a crime, and since sociopaths are experts at appearing blameless and upstanding, and since victims are often left feeling responsible for their own abuse, these emotional rapists are commonly dismissed as mild sociopaths who merely have "narcissistic traits" or "tendencies." (By the way, my ex was aware of his diagnosis when I met him. If he really believed this wasn't a  problem he wouldn't have chosen to withhold this information.)

Sociopaths don't feel emotion the way normal people do, but they learn to mimic it by closely observing the behaviors and responses of others. If you ever felt like a lab rat in a maze with your N, know that you in fact were! He was learning how to direct you to the cheese and what kind to leave out for you. Sociopaths want to experience authentic emotion and many of them cause pain in others in the hope of feeling something, anything. But just as (Michael Fox points out) bodily torture isn't called physical persuasion. Likewise the harm caused by the psychological warfare waged by a sociopath isn't simply a matter of emotional manipulation or persuasion. It is emotional rape, the purpose of which is no different than bodily rape. Victims of sociopaths end up with PTSD symptoms exactly like any other victim of any other kind of torture.

So was my ex mild? Hell no! 

Because he chooses not to destroy with his hands or hire an assassin does not mean that his weapon of choice is any less destructive or vicious. The trail of tortured souls he has left behind him, and continues to leave in his wake may not be bloody or bruised, but are just as real and every bit as damaged. Emotional assault is as devastating for victims and those that love them as any criminal assault. Unfortunately this weapon is legal and is (as was spousal rape in the past) considered socially acceptable. 

The people currently forced to stay in my ex's life continue to be victimized. Some know what he is and are able to defend themselves to some degree, but are still being held as prisoners of war. Those he manages to captivate in future will be victimized until they are able to see behind the mask, hopefully make a clean escape, and begin the long road to recovery. My heart goes out to all of them... this post is for them.

love and hugs,

Laura   

There is no hole in me...

When it comes to experiencing victim blaming there is nothing like what I've experienced as a survivor of emotional rape. Before my emotional rape, I survived both date rape and domestic violence and the inevitable victim blaming that comes with it. But since both those behaviors are considered criminal, the blame stops short of trying to convince the victim that she is somehow inherently flawed. Not true as a survivor or emotional rape (sociopathy). Along with some of my family members and close friends, who all have their version of why or how I could have prevented my emotional rape from happening, my ex's ex wife insists that there is some kind of hole in me which inadvertently caused my abuse. This post is for her...

Dear O,

There is no hole in me. After months of intensive research and consulting with several experts, I know that every normal human being is vulnerable to sociopaths. This is because, as Michael Fox (author of Emotional Rape Syndrome) points out, emotional rapists (malignant narcissists/sociopaths) exploit the four most primary human needs: health, achievement, love and faith. In the case of a man - woman relationship love is the primary (though not only) target for exploitation.

He explains that there are four basic ingredients that make emotional rape (the victimization by a sociopath) possible. They are:

1. The reality that every normal human being absolutely NEEDS achievement, love, faith and health in combination, usually in that order, to survive.

2. We are powerless in the face of these needs. We simply cannot make ourselves be okay in the absence of one or more of them.

3. Bad-call bias: It is human nature to believe as true what we wish were true. This is the case in all human activities, not just relationships. He gives the example of scientific errors based on wishing or wanting a result to be true. These errors are usually driven by the need for achievement. In the case of love it is almost impossible for us to believe that someone we love, and who we believe loves us really doesn't.

4. Evil exists and the actions of malignant narcissists are evil because they aim to destroy (or at least reduce) the victim's access to her primary needs. He does this by first becoming the soul "provider" of them and then stripping them away little by little.

If humans didn't need to achieve, be loved, strive for purpose or be healthy, i.e. if we had the power to simply dismiss our needs as optional, and if we could always see the actions and intentions of others as they truly are and not as we would like them, sociopaths would have absolutely no power over us whatever. Sociopaths know this.

There is nothing wrong with me. No hole to fill! No co-dependent or unusual need that led me to be more easily victimized by my ex sociopath than anyone else. In fact, like many victims, I was and am a trained expert in avoiding the bad-call bias. It can happen to ANYONE and it does. It happens to normal healthy humans who, like all other normal healthy humans NEED love, faith, achievement and health - all of which my ex provided for in abundance and then robbed me off little by little over time.

Saying "No" to emotional rape isn't easy or simple. It's saying "No" to something that controls your needs, thoughts and perceptions. It has nothing to do with being co-dependent, co-narcissist or having some sort of hole that needs to be filled.

As long as you believe there is some flaw, inadequacy or hole in you, you will never heal from emotional rape. As long as you continue to try to take "ownership of" or accept your "responsibility for" or "part in" what happened to you, you will continue to be a victim. Only after coming to terms with the fact that someone took advantage of your basic humanness and that short of becoming an android there's nothing you could have done to prevent it, will you cross the line to become a survivor. I am not to blame for what happened to me. I know this... and it is only now I can begin to heal.

love and hugs,

Laura

The Emotional Rape Syndrome: How to Survive and Avoid It by Michael Fox PhD

I highly recommend this book for all survivors.

Excerpts:

• We have a natural tendency to accept responsibility for what happens to us because we want to believe we are always in full control of our lives. When bad things happen, rather than admit they might have occurred because of some outside, non-controllable, set of circumstances,we prefer to believe our own actions were the cause. We blame ourselves. (p. 19)
  
• Why not simply identify relationships such as Steve's and Ellen's as "exploitative relationships"? The answer is readily apparent: For the same reason we don't call torture a form of physical persuasion. Rape is the only word which adequately conveys the trauma experienced by the victim; one of the few words in our language, as one writer astutely observed, "with the power to summon a shared image of a horrible crime." (p. 10)
  
• In sexual rape the words "without consent" refer to the victim having withheld something, having not freely agreed to sex. In contrast it is the perpetrator, the rapist who withholds something in emotional rape, employing deceit to conceal his or her true motives. If sexual rape is the violation of the human body, emotional rape is the violation of the human soul. (p. 12)
  
• In contrast [to physical rape], almost all cases of emotional rape are perfectly legal. The emotional rapist may even be widely admired. It's a telling commentary on society's moral priorities that a person who exploits someone's affections for personal gain...might well be considered a shrewd entrepreneur rather than a villain. (p. 14)
  
• Victims of emotional rape can't psychologically protect themselves from feelings of isolation by attributing what happened to the abhorrent and exceptional behavior of one individual, as a victim of stranger rape might be able to do. Instead, more like the victims of date rape, they may begin to question themselves, doubting their own judgment and values. In some instances they may will be encouraged to embark on this process of self blame. (p. 15)
  
• Friends, family members, and even some professional counselors often make well-meaning, but potentially extremely damaging, observations; something along the lines of

"What is it about you which is attracted to to a person like that?"
or
"How did you fail to see what he/she was up to?" (p. 15)

• As a result victims of emotional rape invariably come to see themselves as responsible for what happened. The do not recognize that what happened to them was rape, rather they rationalize that it was simply and instance of personal failing. This is a destructive fallacy. (p. 15)

More later...

love and hugs, Laura

Happy Birthday to Me!

It is 10:15 pm and I just realized today is my ex's 46th birthday. It was only after being reminded that it was another friend's (who shares the same birthday) birthday that I remembered. Although I am feeling much better about life in general, this is the first tangible sign I've had that makes me believe he won't always haunt me. So why do I feel a twinge of guilt and sadness about it. Hmmm...

love and hugs,

Laura

I had a dream... by Bryan Erskine

An amazing piece to inspire closure and forgiveness by my friend and fellow survivor Bryan Erskine...

****************
I had a dream.

I was walking along the beach and there you were, sitting on a rock with your bare feet in the water. You were wearing your long white skirt, and your hoop earrings were gleaming beneath your hair. You looked every inch the beautiful Gypsy Princess

I'd met all those years ago.

You seemed pleased to see me and smiled.

Yet suddenly, you froze, as if time was standing still.

We were like we were before the crazy times. Before the fighting, the storming out, the breaking glasses. Before all the hatred and bad feeling. I sat down next to you as you stared into the distance, unblinking.

'I know that you remember me,' I said. 'I've come to make peace with you.' You didn't move. I picked up a piece of seaweed to absent-mindedly play with as I spoke.

'There is a lot of things left unsaid,' I continued. 'I know what you are, and why you tried to break me. You nearly did it, you know?'

There was still no response,

'I understand now how empty you are, and how I was just a mirror - an object to see yourself in, to prove to yourself that you exist. I want you to know that I never forgot the person I thought you were, or the person I really am. I want you to know that the day I came to your house, I still thought that those people could be together - but a new mirror answered the door.

You see, I had this crazy idea that if I left it just long enough, we could have left all the madness behind. I'm sorry for all I did. I'm also sorry that you can't face up to your own part in it all, because of what you are.'

I gazed at your beautiful, unmoving face and then turned my head to the Ocean.

Our ocean.

For a moment, I was back there, where we drank wine and watched the sun set. The place where we ate our chips and made each other laugh. The place where we made our dreams, dreams that answered my prayers and promised to last forever. I could feel the warm sun on my face, and hear the sounds of the sea. Dreams can be very real if you want them to be, but a dream can just as easily be a mirage - a cruel trick that can make you run to cool water that isn't really there.

Suddenly, you snapped. Cracks began to appear in your porcelain skin.

'What do you mean, Bryan?' you shouted.

'You abused me! You bullied me.. and then you left!'

I smiled to myself and looked down to the pebbles in the sand. I knew that there was no point in trying to get you to see things differently. I knew that I had heard it all before, about the mirror before me - the one that broke. I knew that the new mirror believed it about me too. Mutual hatred is a useful tool to draw someone in with, but true love doen't need hate in order to fly.

I stood up.

'I'm sorry that you never really knew love,' I said. 'You know.. you could only have done what you did to me because I can.'

Standing there, I could see you for what you really were - a wounded soul that needs to destroy in order to live. You were still beautiful as all predators are.

'I will never forget you, but I can forgive you', I said.

After all, it was forgiveness that had set me free. I smiled at you one last time and walked away. The beach was all mine now, as it had really been all along.

For all those sociopaths who believe that models really look like that!

• Dove shoot
  
• Extreme photo makeover
• The Perfect Lie
• Transformation
• Are you beautiful?
• Hollywood Unmasked
• Hollywood Unmasked 2
• Hollywood Unmasked 3
• Hollywood Unmasked 4
  

Best book I've come across yet...

NPD/Sociopathy/Psychopathy same predator in varying sheep's wool...


A MUST read!

hugs and love,
Laura

Monsters vs. Aliens

Last night my ex's son and his mom went to see Monsters vs. Aliens. This film is not only entertaining, but offers deep lessons on NPD and Sociopathy. I highly recommend seeing it. Without going into detail about the movie (I don't want to spoil it!) the following is a conversation my ex's son and his mom had at the end of the movie.

Mom lightheartedly comments, "Wow, I sure have known some Dereks in my life!"

Ex's son rolls his eyes and replies, "Yep, Daddy..."

This remarkable boy, with the help of his amazing mother gets it already! When Mom asked him to explain why he said that, he replied, "Oh Mom, it's a long story. I don't have the words for it now. I'll have to explain it to you when I'm older."

I can't tell you the joy I felt hearing this story. He's going to be okay! :D

hugs and love,
Laura

David Baldwin's Trauma Information Pages

These Trauma Pages focus primarily on emotional trauma and traumatic stress, including PTSD (Post-traumatic Stress Disorder) and dissociation, whether following individual traumatic experience(s) or a large-scale disaster. The purpose of this award winning site is to provide information for clinicians and researchers in the traumatic-stress field. Specifically, my interests here include both clinical and research aspects of trauma responses and their resolution. For example:

1. What goes on biologically in the brain during traumatic experience and its resolution?
2. Which psychotherapeutic procedures are most effective with traumatic symptoms, for which patients and why?
3. How can we best measure clinical efficacy and treatment outcome for trauma survivor populations?

Supportive resources supplement the more academic or research information of interest to clinicians, researchers, and students. I do realize that these are not mutually exclusive groups.

Continuously online for eleven years - since May 19, 1995 (a month after the Oklahoma City bombing), this site has welcomed 1,299,574 visits (464 today). Please check back, and enjoy exploring the extensive trauma resources available on this site!

Site Overview

About Trauma

Narrative: "Traumatic events shake the foundations of our beliefs, and may shatter our trust..."

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Full-text articles on traumatic stress, including dissociation, diagnosis and treatment issues.

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Research-related trauma resources: online databases, organizations, treatment approaches...

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Feel free to email comments or suggestions to David Baldwin, PhD

Yes, he is a Sociopath!

I found the following on a Sociopath group on Facebook... I agree with the experts who claim that sociopathy and NPD are one in the same. I definitely am the survivor of a sociopath!

*****************************************************************************

WHEN YOU SAY THE WORD "sociopath" most people think of serial killers. But although many serial killers are sociopaths, there are far more sociopaths leading ordinary lives. Chances are you know a sociopath. I say "ordinary lives," but what they do is far from ordinary. Sociopaths are people without a conscience. They don't have the normal empathy the rest of us take for granted. They don't feel affection. They don't care about others. But most of them are good observers, and they have learned how to mimic those feelings remarkably well.

Most people with a conscience find it very difficult to even imagine what it would be like to be without one. Combine this with a sociopath's efforts to blend in, and what you get is most sociopaths go undetected. The reason this is a problem is that they wreak havoc on their family, on people they work with, and on anyone who tries to be their friend. A sociopath deceives, takes what he wants, and hurts people without any remorse. Sociopaths don't feel guilty. They don't feel sorry for what they've done. They go through life taking what they want and giving nothing back. They manipulate and deceive and convincingly lie without the slightest second thought. They leave a path of confusion and upset in their wake.

Researchers have found that the brains of sociopaths function differently than normal people. And their brains function in a way that makes their emotional life unredeemably shallow. And yet they are capable of mimicking emotions like professional actors.

Sociopaths and psychopaths are the same thing. The original name for this disorder was "psychopath" but the general public and media confused it with "psycho" and "psychotic" so in the 1930s the name was changed to sociopath. Recently the media again caused a misperception that sociopaths were always serial killers, so now many call the condition "antisocial personality disorder (ASPD)." But some experts think ASPD includes many things like narcissism, paranoia, etc. And also including sociopathy. And others think ASPD is the same thing as sociopathy, but the diagnostic criteria used to describe and diagnose ASPD is different than sociopathy, so for the purposes of this article, we'll stay with the term "sociopathy."

Sociopaths don't have normal affection with other people. They don't feel attached to others. They don't feel love. And that is why they don't have a conscience. If you harmed someone, even someone you didn't know, you would feel guilt and remorse. Why? Because you have a natural affinity for other human beings. You know how it feels to suffer, to fear, to feel anguish. You care about others. And if you hurt someone you love, the guilt and remorse would be very bad because of your affection for him or her. Take that attachment and affection away and you take away remorse, guilt, and any kind of normal feelings of fairness. That's a sociopath.

HOW COMMON ARE THEY?
Some researchers say only about one percent of the general population are sociopaths. Others put the figure at three or four percent. The reason the estimates vary is first of all, not everyone has been tested, of course, but also because sociopathy is a sliding scale. A person can be very sociopathic or only slightly, and anywhere in between. It is a continuum. So how sociopathic does someone have to be before you call them sociopathic? That's a tough question and it is why the estimates vary.

But clearly sociopaths are fairly common and not easy to detect. Even when the evidence is staring you in the face, you may have difficulty admitting that someone you know, someone you trusted, even someone you love, is a sociopath. But the sooner you admit it, the faster your life can return to normal. Face the facts and you may save yourself a lot of suffering.

Profile of a Sociopath:

Glibness and Superficial Charm

Manipulative and Conning
They never recognize the rights of others and see their self-serving behaviors as permissible. They appear to be charming, yet are covertly hostile and domineering, seeing their victim as merely an instrument to be used. They may dominate and humiliate their victims.

Grandiose Sense of Self
Feels entitled to certain things as "their right."

Pathological Lying
Has no problem lying coolly and easily and it is almost impossible for them to be truthful on a consistent basis. Can create, and get caught up in, a complex belief about their own powers and abilities. Extremely convincing and even able to pass lie detector tests.

Lack of Remorse, Shame or Guilt
A deep seated rage, which is split off and repressed, is at their core. Does not see others around them as people, but only as targets and opportunities. Instead of friends, they have victims and accomplices who end up as victims. The end always justifies the means and they let nothing stand in their way.

Shallow Emotions
When they show what seems to be warmth, joy, love and compassion it is more feigned than experienced and serves an ulterior motive. Outraged by insignificant matters, yet remaining unmoved and cold by what would upset a normal person. Since they are not genuine, neither are their promises.

Incapacity for Love

Need for Stimulation
Living on the edge. Verbal outbursts and physical punishments are normal. Promiscuity and gambling are common.

Callousness/Lack of Empathy
Unable to empathize with the pain of their victims, having only contempt for others' feelings of distress and readily taking advantage of them.

Poor Behavioral Controls/Impulsive Nature
Rage and abuse, alternating with small expressions of love and approval produce an addictive cycle for abuser and abused, as well as creating hopelessness in the victim. Believe they are all-powerful, all-knowing, entitled to every wish, no sense of personal boundaries, no concern for their impact on others.

Early Behavior Problems/Juvenile Delinquency
Usually has a history of behavioral and academic difficulties, yet "gets by" by conning others. Problems in making and keeping friends; aberrant behaviors such as cruelty to people or animals, stealing, etc.

Irresponsibility/Unreliability
Not concerned about wrecking others' lives and dreams. Oblivious or indifferent to the devastation they cause. Does not accept blame themselves, but blames others, even for acts they obviously committed.

Promiscuous Sexual Behavior/Infidelity
Promiscuity, child sexual abuse, rape and sexual acting out of all sorts.

Lack of Realistic Life Plan/Parasitic Lifestyle
Tends to move around a lot or makes all encompassing promises for the future, poor work ethic but exploits others effectively.

Criminal or Entrepreneurial Versatility
Changes their image as needed to avoid prosecution.
Changes in Name
Changes life story readily.

WHAT DO THEY WANT?

This is an interesting question. Of course most people have purposes that are strongly influenced by our connections and affections with others. Our relationships with others, and our love for them, give us most of the meaning in life. So if a sociopath doesn't have these things, what is left? What kind of purposes do they have? The answer is chilling: They want to win. Take away love and relationships and all you have left is winning the game, whatever the game is decided to be. If they are in business, it is becoming rich. If it is sibling rivalry, it is defeating the sibling. If it is a contest, the goal is to dominate. If a sociopath is the envious sort, winning would be making the other lose, or fail, or be frustrated, or embarrassed.

A sociopath's goal is to win. And he is willing to do anything at all to win. And sociopaths have nothing else to think about, so they can be very clever and conniving. Sociopaths are not busy being concerned with relationships or moral dilemmas or conflicting feelings, so they have much more time to think about clever ways to gain your trust and stab you in the back, and how do it without anyone knowing what's happening.

One of the questions above was about boredom. This is a real problem for sociopaths and they seem fanatically driven to prevent boredom. The reason it looms so large for them (and seems so strange to us) is that our relationships with people occupy a good amount of our time and attention. Take that away and all you have is "playing to win" which is rather shallow and empty in comparison. So boredom is a constant problem for sociopaths and they have an incessant urge to keep up a level of stimulation, even negative stimulation (drama, worry, upset, etc.).

And here I might mention that the research shows sociopaths don't feel emotions the same way normal people do. For example, they don't experience fear as unpleasant. This goes a long way to explaining the inexplicable behavior you'll see in sociopaths. Some feelings that you and I might find intolerable might not bother them at all.

HOW TO DEAL WITH A SOCIOPATH

There is no known cure or therapy for sociopathy. In fact, some evidence suggests that therapy makes them worse because they use it to learn more about human vulnerabilities they can then exploit. They learn how to manipulate better and they learn better excuses that others will believe. Given all that, there is only one solution for dealing with a sociopath: Get him or her completely out of your life for good. This seems radical, and of course, you want to be fairly sure your diagnosis is correct, but you need to protect yourself from the drain on your time, attention, money, and good attitude. Healing or helping a sociopath is a pointless waste of your life. That is not your mission. That's not your responsibility. You have your own goals, and those are your responsibility. I don't recommend you tell anyone you have diagnosed someone as a sociopath. In fact, I strongly urge you not to. I don't even know if it's a good idea to tell anyone about your conclusion. Just get the sociopath out of your life with as little fanfare as you can. The only exception I would make to this rule is if the sociopath is making someone else's life a living hell, it seems wrong to leave them to the wolves while you slink off. I don't recommend you try to convince your friend they are dealing with a sociopath. I recommend that you simply say you got a lot of insight from this or that book or whatever, and let your friend draw they're own conclusions. It is not your mission to save your friend, either. Tell them what you know and if they ignore you, that's they're problem, not yours.

If this all sounds cold or heartless, maybe you're not dealing with a sociopath, or maybe she or he hasn't driven you to the point of madness (yet). But remember what the solution is; you may someday need it.

And besides, the point of all this dismal information is so you no longer need to think about such negative things and so you can turn your attention to positive, life-affirming, uplifting goals of your own.

How Do We Heal? - by Kathleen Hawk

This link goes to a sevem part article on healing from a relationship with an NPD/sociopath. Lovefraud.com has strict rules on reproduction, so I won't reprint anything here, but this is seriously a MUST READ for all survivors.

Part I: The Path

Part II: Painful Shock

Part III: Denial

Part IV: Bargaining

Part V: Getting Angry

Part VI: Getting Over Not Getting Angry

Part VII: Letting Go 

love & hugs,
Laura

Free Will, Coersion and Consent - Laura's Master Thesis

I am currently finishing up a masters degree in philosophy. I am ABD (All But Defense), which basically means I need to write and defend a thesis. Originally my thesis topic was "Sexual Consent." This isn't a typical philosophical paper topic and I wasn't quite sure where I would take it.

My personal experiences with NPD and sociopathy have moved my thinking toward the philosophical debate surrounding the existence of Free Will and how consent fits into this existential question.

My own victimization included an underlying sensation of losing myself and my ability to maintain my own convictions and desires. I became him, or at least an extension of him. My extensive research on NPD shows that this experience is universal for VoN's and that what we've experienced is a kind of Stockholm Syndrome brainwashing. The more survivors of N-abuse that I come in contact with, the more familiar I become with just how similar our experiences are. The main question for my thesis is whether or not informed consent, or any kind of consent can be freely given in circumstances of emotional or physical abuse.

Several weeks ago I posted that I intend to apply to law school to "defend victims of abuse." and pointed out how upside down that concept seems. Why on earth should victims need to be defended? That question has led me to a plethora of research on a new brand of blaming victims for their own abuse (also previously posted on) based on the premise that survivors should take responsibility for consenting to the relationship.

Another N-survivor recently pointed me to a book called, Stalking the Soul: Emotional Abuse and the Erosion of Identity written by Marie-France Hirigoyen, from which I offer some excerpts below. Hirigoyen is a Victimologist. When I saw this neologism I first thought, oh brother another "ism." But Victimology is a legitimate and important branch of psychology and criminology that is widely recognized and respected. Hirigoyen recommends that anyone dealing with survivors study victimology. She specifically mentions lawyers. " A degree in victimology can be of particular interest to professionals in the field of helping victims: emergency-trained doctors, psychiatrists, psychotherapists, and lawyers." (Hirigoyen p. 9) I intend to seek out as many relevant resources as possible before applying to law school.



Excerpts from Stalking the Soul*

• It is effectively possible to destabilize or even destroy someone with seemingly harmless words and hints, inferences, and unspoken suggestions; usually those close to the situation will not intervene. A narcissistic abuser grows in stature at he expense of the other; he also avoids any inner or spiritual conflict by shifting responsibility for what is wrong onto the other person. If the other is responsible for the problem, wrong doing, guilt, and suffering don't exist. This defines emotional abuse. (p. 5)
  
• In order to satisfy their insatiable need for admiration and approval, these individuals must degrade others to acquire first self-esteem, and then power. Because they are not concerned with relationships, they show no compassion or respect for others. To respect a person is to value their humanity and acknowledge the suffering we can inflict upon them. (pp. 5-6)
• Psychiatric illness does not cause abusiveness. It arises from dispassionate rationality combined with an incapacity to respect others as human beings. (p. 7)
• Whether the subject is serial killing or pervasive abusiveness, the matter remains one of predatory behavior: an act consisting in the appropriation of another person's life. (p. 7)
• ...predators first paralyze their victims in order to prevent any possible counter attack. The lack of defense mechanisms keeps the victims from understanding what is happening to them. (p. 8)
• There are fairly innocuous manipulative tricks that leave behind traces of bitterness or shame at having been duped, but there are much more serious manipulations that affect a victim's core identity and become a matter of life or death. Emotional abusers directly endanger their victims; indirectly, they lead those around them to lose sight of their moral guideposts and to believe that freewheeling behaviors at the expense of others are the norm. (pp. 8-9)
• Even if a victim's reactions to emotional abuse contribute to a sustained, even seemingly equal, relationship with the aggressor, one must not forget that this person suffers from a situation for which he or she is not responsible. (p. 9)
• There are individuals whose road through life is strewn with people they have wounded or irreparably damaged. This doesn't prevent them from fooling most people and from seeming to be totally adjusted social beings. (p. 14)
  
• The most intimate other will become the subject of the greatest abuse because too much closeness can terrify the aggressor. A narcissistic individual imposes control on his partner in order to hold her back, while simultaneously fearing her closeness and invasiveness. In order to maintain complete power over her, she must be kept in a dependent or even proprietary relationship. The partner mired in doubt and guilt cannot react. (p. 15)
• The unspoken message is "I don't love you," but it remains indirect and hidden so the other won't leave. The partner must stay put and be permanently frustrated; she must be prevented from thinking on her own and becoming aware of the process. (p. 15)
  
• The narcissistic abuser introduces the element of control to paralyze his partner by putting her in a situation of uncertainty. Keeping her within limits and at a safe distance avoids commitment to a relationship he fears. By stifling and subjecting her, he forces her to submit to what he most dreads and must avoid at all costs: invasiveness by another person. (p. 16)
• He wants her to be financially independent but submissive at the same time; if not, he agonizes and rejects her...When she talks at dinner, he rolls his eyes. At first she says to herself, "What I just said must be idiotic!" and then she begins to progressively censor herself. (p. 18)
• It would be simpler if [the aggressor] were an absolute monster, but he was once a tender lover. [The victim believes he now] acts like this because he is not well. He can change, She will therefore change him. (p. 19)
• An individual with idealistic ideas about marriage carries on an apparently normal relationship with his partner until the day he has to choose between this relationship and a new one. Abuse will grow in proportion to yesterday's idealism. It is impossible to accept responsibility for a failure of this kind. The partner is held responsible when love is withdrawn because she has committed an unnamed fault. The denial of love is acted upon although verbally denied. (p. 21)
  
• Recognizing this manipulative behavior leaves the victim in a state of terrible anxiety she cannot get rid of alone. At this stage, victims experience shame as well as anger: shame at not being loved, shame at having accepted humiliation, and shame that what they have submitted to and undergone. (p. 21)
• He very skillfully provides a mirror for [the victim's] insecurities...He knows she doubts. (p. 23)
• He attacks with small, unsettling jabs, preferably in public, where it's difficult for her to react. When she tries to talk about it later, he coldly says that she bears grudges and makes mountains out of molehills. (p. 23)
• [He] never raises his voice; he only displays an icy hostility that he subsequently denies if the matter is brought up. [p. 25]
• An abuser needs to turn his previous partner into a scapegoat and project everything bad onto her in order to idealize the new love object and establish the relationship. Any obstacle standing in the way must be destroyed. For love to exist, there must be hate somewhere. The new relationship is founded on hatred of the previous partner. (pp. 29-30)
• [The victim believes] that if [he] rejects her, it's because she's "not good enough" to live up to his expectations. On the contrary, with abusive individuals, love must be split off and surrounded by hate. (p. 30)
• The goal of abusive conduct is to destabilize the other person and make them doubt themselves and others. Anything goes in order to achieve this end: lies, improbabilities, innuendos. (p. 31)
  

The Seduction

• [A]n emotionally abusive relationship goes through two phases: (1) identity erosion, and (2) open violence....The first phase , which psychoanalyst P.C. Racamier has termed "brainwashing," can take place over several years. It builds progressively through a seduction process at he beginning of the relationship. The victim is destabilized and gradually loses self-confidence during this initial phase. (p. 89)
  
• The seductive process consists not only in overpoweringly winning over the person, but also corrupting and suborning her. The manipulator bypasses reality, operating secretly and by surprise. He attacks underhandedly, gaining the admiration of another person, who is dazzled by him and sends back to him a positive image. (p. 89)
• Narcissistic seduction confuses and erodes the boundaries of one's own identity and that of another individual. This is not the world of transference--for example, when a lover's idealization, in order to sustain passion, refuses to acknowledge any shortcomings in the beloved--but a world of incorporation where the objective is to destroy. The other person's presence is considered threatening, not complimentary. (p. 90)
• The period of influence consists in leading someone, with out argument, to think, make decisions, and behave other than she would spontaneously on her own. During the "seductive stalking" period, the targeted person is unable to freely consent a priori because her sensibilities and vulnerabilities are influenced and manipulated. As in any manipulative process, the victim must first be made to believe she is free, even when she is insidiously deprived of the freedom to act. There can be no question of a discussion between equals; the abuser must subtly impose himself while preventing the other from becoming aware of the process and from discussing or resisting it. (p. 90)
• The victim's ability to defend herself is withdrawn, and her judgment is negated, thereby eliminating any possibility of rebellion. (p. 90)
• The victim is caught in a spiderweb, held captive at an other's disposal, bound psychologically, and anesthetized. She is completely unconscious of what's happened. (p. 91)
• Little by little, victims see their resistance and potential to oppose eaten away. They lose all critical ability. Prevented from reacting, literally "shattered," they are made accomplices to their own oppression. This has nothing whatsoever to do with consent.

More later...

love and hugs,
Laura

*I have made a conscious decision to change many of the she's to he's in the quoted text for ease of clarity. As bulleted items they are almost impossible to follow the way the author strayed back and forth in the original text.

That said, my thesis will consistently use the masculine pronoun to designate the N and the female pronoun the VoN because most N's are, in fact, male and because there is the added component of genuine male social power. I will never deny that women are N's and that they cause a great deal of destruction. But generally speaking female N behavior differs given the reality of social power, and their abuse is more ofen directed toward children. Therefore when talking about N romantic relationships I will generally stick to this format, but it is conscious and not accidental, just as I always use "she" as the general pronoun when writing academic papers.

My Healing Song - Finally

Reclaiming Rainbows

Moving to Tucson was the best decision I've ever made. Here I sit, unemployed and alone, but in most ways very happy. I'm certainly not completely healed, nor will I ever look at the world the same way again, and I still find it impossible to trust completely, but my life is my own and I am loving the person I am re-becoming.

I've had a number of requests to make my blog public again, so I have recently removed all identifying information. This blog is a place for me to explore what happened to me, but I also want to help others navigate the labyrinth of emotions that come with surviving emotional abuse. If this profile sounds familiar to you please feel free to contact me.

I am reclaiming much of what was stolen from me and finding parts of me I never knew existed. A silver lining can be found in the darkest of all clouds... rainbows shine underneath.

Hugs and love,
Laura

The transformation

Adicolor Pink

Narcissist AND Sociopath!

In a previous post I mentioned that during one of my sessions, my therapist said she believes that because he exploits others for his own gain or pleasure, my ex is not only a malignant narcissist, but a sociopath as well. After a great deal of research, I am now 100% convinced that she was correct. The following is an excerpt from an article by Steven Becker LSCW is one of many I've found on this topic. His argument successfully erases the fuzzy line that separates the two pathologies. Full article can be found by clicking on the title. - Laura

******************************************************

The Single Most Powerful Signifier of Sociopathy

"...It is a high level of exploitiveness that most singularly exposes the sociopath.

Now exploitiveness is also associated with the narcissistic personality. For this reason extremely destructive (“malignant”) narcissists can be hard to distinguish from sociopaths. Still, a high level of exploitiveness is rarely the single best signifier of narcissistic personality disorder, whereas it is, I suggest, the best single indicator of sociopathy....

Now it is true that empathic individuals will generally be nonexploitive. Why? Because their empathy will prove a deterrent against exploitative impulses or ideas. Empathy, in other words, surely is a powerful deterrent against exploitation....

However, exploitation and remorselessness go hand in hand. The essence of exploitation is the intentional violation of another’s vulnerability. The exploiter knows, on some level, that his behavior is exploitive.

By definition, the exploiter is grossly indifferent to the damaging effect of his behavior on his victim. All that matters is his perceived gain, his demanded, greedy satisfaction. There is indifference to the loss and damage to others resulting from his self-centered, aggressive behaviors...."

Are We Gluttons for Punishment? - The Pathologizing of the Victims of N's

From What Makes Narcissists Tick - by Kathy Krajko

Conventional wisdom says that many ask Must I leave him? because they are "codependent" or "inverted narcissists." That is a fancy way of saying that they are gluttons for punishment, that they get some masochistic pleasure out of being abused. The line is that they seek out narcissistic mates. In other words, they are mentally ill themselves.

There is such a thing as the "martyr complex." But it doesn't apply to an abusive relationship with a narcissist. A person with a martyr complex isn't really abused and doesn't seek real abuse. He or she likes to imagine themselves abused and portray themselves as abused. There's a big difference between that and seeking real abuse!

Yet the victims of narcissists are relentlessly re-victimized (for the sin of having been victimized) by this irrationale for blaming the victim called "codependence." Not only is it unresearched psychobabble masquerading as science, but by now, everyone should know that any explanation that blames the victim should be viewed with healthy skepticism. Why? Because it is anti-logical.

Remember that society used to blame the victim for rape, racism, and every other form of abuse. Different forms of blaming the victim pass in and out of vogue, but blaming the victim is as old as the Bible (illness or misfortune was punishment for sin) and goes on forever. It starts in the schoolyard and continues in the workplace.

Every time the big guy hits on a little one, everyone agrees that the little guy "asked for it." Nobody ever asks, "Now why would he do that?" For, they readily believe that the little guy is so stupid or crazy as to have poked his finger into that big guy's eye. But if you try to say that the big guy just attacked without being provoked, they never fail to skeptically ask, "Now why would he do that?" See the double standard?

Some things never change: anything to blame the victim. Anything.

Here's how this codependency "theory" (pseudoscience) goes: If you have a relationship with a narcissist, your parents abused you as a child and you now subconsciously try to control your narcissist through cunning enabling behaviors to make him or her abuse you, too.

See "The Codependency Idea: When Caring Becomes a Disease," by Robert Westermeyer, Ph.D.

This popular construct is shunned by research psychologists and behaviorally-oriented clinical psychologists particularly for it's lack of empirical support. The allure of codependency is demonstrated by the sales of books on the topic (the only resources on codependency come from self-help sections and fluffy journals). Millions of codependency books have been sold over the past ten years. ...codependent, or co-alcoholic, was originally defined in the late 1970s and early 1980s to help families and spouses of individuals with alcohol and drug problems. ...The idea was that the caring behavior manifested by family members and spouses actually "enabled" the addict to continue using. ...Unfortunately, from the mid eighties to the present, the codependency idea has become bastardized, and with each new self-help book the symptoms of codependency mount. It is literally impossible for anyone walking the planet, with a fourth grade English reading capacity, to finish one of these books and not consider the possibility that he or she is a codependent. ...Not only is all caring manifested by the spouse of an alcoholic deemed pathological, but the very act of compromising one's needs to aid a loved one is now deemed symptomatic of a progressive disease processes, a relationship addiction.

[...]

I've read a fair amount of what the popular press has bequeathed upon us regarding the codependency idea. The three books I scrutinized the most were the most popular. ...Below is my understanding of these authors' conceptualizations:

Codependency is a progressive disease brought about by child abuse, which takes the form of anything "less than nurturing." Codependency is epidemic (maybe all of us are codependent) and defines a vast array of psychological and physical symptoms. The caring manifested by codependents is an unconscious effort to keep repressed pain at bay, and the codependent actually contributes to the addictive behavior of their loved ones by enabling. Enabling keeps the loved one addicted so the codependent can go on caring to gain a sense of self worth. Recovery from codependency requires drastic attitude and lifestyle change (Detachment) and a lifelong commitment to the 12-step regime.

[...]

Codependency is a nebulous idea, born not of science but of the gut feelings of counselors and frustrated lay people. It's black and white requirements for recovery, though seeming reasonable on the surface, are not in line with empirical research and have dangerous implications with regard to the most human of attributes, caring.

See also: Scott O. Lilienfeld, Ph.D., Scientific Review of Mental Health Practice

The past several decades have seen a virtual explosion in the use of controversial and poorly studied psychiatric labels, such as codependency, sexual addiction, road rage disorder, infanticide syndrome, parental alienation syndrome, premenstrual dysphoric disorder, and Munchausen's syndrome (factitious disorder) by proxy (see Mart, this issue). Although some of these labels may ultimately be shown to be predictively useful, many are of undemonstrated validity (McCann, Shindler, & Hammond, in press). Nevertheless, such labels are commonly invoked by mental health professionals as scientific explanations of problematic behavior and are introduced by them into courts of law with increasing frequency. In still other cases, there are serious concerns that some psychiatric conditions (e.g., dissociative identity disorder, known formerly as multiple personality disorder) are being substantially overdiagnosed in certain settings.

Saying that a mate reluctant to leave a narcissist is codependent ignores the countless ways that normal people can end up in a crucible, through no fault of their own.

For example, much of what we know about narcissism has come from families in which the poisoned fruit ripened during the last fifteen-to-twenty years. These families were formed after World War II, when there was a shortage of men, and women alone could not support themselves. Doubtless, many women settled for husbands they would not settle for in today's world. Divorce was both financially unfeasible and taboo. Also, if a woman has a narcissistic father, she has no way of knowing that all men are not like that. She has been raised to view his dissatisfaction with her as her fault and to put up with being treated as inferior. She also has feelings abused from early childhood. Bruised feelings. So they are more sensitive than most people's feelings. Narcissists target women like this as easy prey because their self-esteem is easy to puncture.

Narcissists need not be exceptionally intelligent, but they are exceptionally experienced, because they have been playing this game since childhood. So they are diabolical. Therefore, unless a narcissist is manifestly brilliant, he is bound to be underestimated and thought incapable of cunning and duplicity. It is amazing how little suspicion he arouses as he goes to great lengths weaving a web that traps a mate by isolating her from other people and making her financially, socially, and emotionally dependent on him. Then suddenly the honeymoon is over.

Plus, there is such a thing as the cycle of abuse

The Ghost in the Mirror

by Laura Kamienski

You’ve dated some strippers

And fucked a few whores

Though I knew it would kill me

I bowed on all fours

To satisfy and please you

Was my greatest cause

For you wanted perfection

Adulation, applause

Your mask was convincing

Your love seemed so real

But was only a shadow

Of what you can’t feel

A reflection of beauty

Shown in your eyes

But you are so ugly

You need that disguise

Like a slab of white marble

You chip and you shape

The souls of your lovers

You torture and rape

Our pain gives you pleasure

Our death gives you joy

A penniless addict

"Love" is your ploy

Score your next quick fix

The mask dons once more

Prey hopeful, unguarded

You’re sure you will score

Unsuspecting and open

She offers her heart

You fill it with poison

Then rip it apart

Her remains are discarded

You hunt your next prey

Son, friend or ex lover

Will suffice for today

No one of us better

No one of us worse

We are all merely objects

Fallen victims, your curse

In your wake is destruction

Lives tattered and torn

Each the same as the next one

For them never mourn

The lost child inside you

That screams all alone

Is worthy of pity

But is now too far gone

In place an illusion

So inviting so warm

Alive and exciting

Alluring with charm

Your mask is so brilliant

Technicolor so bold

Surface beauty, so stunning

But beneath it, so cold

Mirror, mirror please tell me

My essence is real

Though my reflection was pillaged

My soul will soon heal

The world once so splendid

Seems bitter and cruel

What I wanted was real love

What I found was a ghoul