I highly recommend this book for all survivors.
Excerpts:
- We have a natural tendency to accept responsibility for what happens to us because we want to believe we are always in full control of our lives. When bad things happen, rather than admit they might have occurred because of some outside, non-controllable, set of circumstances,we prefer to believe our own actions were the cause. We blame ourselves. (p. 19)
- Why not simply identify relationships such as Steve's and Ellen's as "exploitative relationships"? The answer is readily apparent: For the same reason we don't call torture a form of physical persuasion. Rape is the only word which adequately conveys the trauma experienced by the victim; one of the few words in our language, as one writer astutely observed, "with the power to summon a shared image of a horrible crime." (p. 10)
- In sexual rape the words "without consent" refer to the victim having withheld something, having not freely agreed to sex. In contrast it is the perpetrator, the rapist who withholds something in emotional rape, employing deceit to conceal his or her true motives. If sexual rape is the violation of the human body, emotional rape is the violation of the human soul. (p. 12)
- In contrast [to physical rape], almost all cases of emotional rape are perfectly legal. The emotional rapist may even be widely admired. It's a telling commentary on society's moral priorities that a person who exploits someone's affections for personal gain...might well be considered a shrewd entrepreneur rather than a villain. (p. 14)
- Victims of emotional rape can't psychologically protect themselves from feelings of isolation by attributing what happened to the abhorrent and exceptional behavior of one individual, as a victim of stranger rape might be able to do. Instead, more like the victims of date rape, they may begin to question themselves, doubting their own judgment and values. In some instances they may will be encouraged to embark on this process of self blame. (p. 15)
- Friends, family members, and even some professional counselors often make well-meaning, but potentially extremely damaging, observations; something along the lines of
"What is it about you which is attracted to to a person like that?"
or
"How did you fail to see what he/she was up to?" (p. 15)
or
"How did you fail to see what he/she was up to?" (p. 15)
- As a result victims of emotional rape invariably come to see themselves as responsible for what happened. The do not recognize that what happened to them was rape, rather they rationalize that it was simply and instance of personal failing. This is a destructive fallacy. (p. 15)
love and hugs, Laura
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11 comments:
I live in Canada. I really want some help as I have, so far, survived a three year emotional rape relationship. I'm standing on my feet...but I'm wobbly. It's been about 2 months since I left the condition and my mind is heavy. I could certainly use some assistance.
Laura? Can you help me...this experience has stymied me, it has damaged me. I feel frozen in time. I don't know whom to talk to and am not in a position, because of choices I made while involved with this gentleman, to afford a counselling situation. I need someone's guidance out of this no man's land I have ended up in after this very, very difficult relationship.
By the way Laura, I have the book Emotional Rape Syndrom and have read it from beginning to end. It was amazing in that the descriptions were so familiar they incited an emotional welling up inside of me. Getting into first geer and moving forward is my most sincere desire and I been stuck in this place I'm in now for so long, I'm afraid I won't ever move forward.
Dear nn_308... I'm glad you found this blog and even more glad you're seeking help. I am, however, not qualified to help you. I suggest finding a therapist near you and checking into www.saferelationshipsmagazine.com There you will find links to useful materials and workshops for survivors. Best wishes on your healing journey.
Laura
I hv just emergd from 1 year relationship with a narc. It was his own daughter who blew the whistle on him. She loves him but has seen the damage he does in relationships including her own mother. One puzzle. He never lied to me. He made a virtue of blunt candour. Early in r relationship he sd he was falling in love with me. But then he turned the temperature down. He wd use like instead of love and talk disparagingly about womens fantasy. Four mths into the relationship he declared unasked that he was not in love with me. He didn't think he cd do that ever again. But his actions and his cuddles gave me hope. I was desperate to get his love and put up with escalating criticism and humiliation in hope of winning declaration of love which never came. Now realise that he really ws telling the truth when he sd he cdnt love anyone. I once saw him weep profusely and I think genuinely when describing a period when he was suicidal after his wife of 25 yrs left him.
Wow! Thanks for this comment. Mine was a champion of "blunt candor"... wore cruel honesty like a badge of honor. Underneath it all were many lies though. I saw mine sob too... over other women, lost wife and fantasy life, i.e. lost possessions like a child crying over a broken toy.
My boyfriend suffered in the hands of, and is still suffering through the hands, of his narcissistic ex. I know a lot of women who also do this to their men, so please don't make this another women are victims only cause. Men suffer too, and women abuse too!
My boyfriends ex now uses his children as a way to control and punish my ex. He has been close to suicidal many times, it's devastating, not to mention what it does to the kids!
Thank you for your blog, it's nice to see people talking about this form of abuse!
A mom.
Dear A mom,
Glad you're finding my blog useful.
My mother was an N and my boyfriend's first wife was also an N. I am well aware that women can be N's or S's. That said the fact remains that the vast majority of them are, in fact, male and I have made a conscious decision to use the male pronoun throughout. I stated in a previous post that:
"My thesis will consistently use the masculine pronoun to designate the N and the female pronoun the VoN because most N's are, in fact, male and because there is the added component of genuine male social power. I will never deny that women are N's and that they cause a great deal of destruction. But generally speaking female N behavior differs given the reality of social power, and their abuse is more often directed toward children. Therefore when talking about N romantic relationships I will generally stick to this format, but it is conscious and not accidental, just as I always use "she" as the general pronoun when writing academic papers."
Love and hugs, Laura
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