There is no hole in me...

When it comes to experiencing victim blaming there is nothing like what I've experienced as a survivor of emotional rape. Before my emotional rape, I survived both date rape and domestic violence and the inevitable victim blaming that comes with it. But since both those behaviors are considered criminal, the blame stops short of trying to convince the victim that she is somehow inherently flawed. Not true as a survivor or emotional rape (sociopathy). Along with some of my family members and close friends, who all have their version of why or how I could have prevented my emotional rape from happening, my ex's ex wife insists that there is some kind of hole in me which inadvertently caused my abuse. This post is for her...

Dear O,

There is no hole in me. After months of intensive research and consulting with several experts, I know that every normal human being is vulnerable to sociopaths. This is because, as Michael Fox (author of Emotional Rape Syndrome) points out, emotional rapists (malignant narcissists/sociopaths) exploit the four most primary human needs: health, achievement, love and faith. In the case of a man - woman relationship love is the primary (though not only) target for exploitation.

He explains that there are four basic ingredients that make emotional rape (the victimization by a sociopath) possible. They are:

1. The reality that every normal human being absolutely NEEDS achievement, love, faith and health in combination, usually in that order, to survive.

2. We are powerless in the face of these needs. We simply cannot make ourselves be okay in the absence of one or more of them.

3. Bad-call bias: It is human nature to believe as true what we wish were true. This is the case in all human activities, not just relationships. He gives the example of scientific errors based on wishing or wanting a result to be true. These errors are usually driven by the need for achievement. In the case of love it is almost impossible for us to believe that someone we love, and who we believe loves us really doesn't.

4. Evil exists and the actions of malignant narcissists are evil because they aim to destroy (or at least reduce) the victim's access to her primary needs. He does this by first becoming the soul "provider" of them and then stripping them away little by little.

If humans didn't need to achieve, be loved, strive for purpose or be healthy, i.e. if we had the power to simply dismiss our needs as optional, and if we could always see the actions and intentions of others as they truly are and not as we would like them, sociopaths would have absolutely no power over us whatever. Sociopaths know this.

There is nothing wrong with me. No hole to fill! No co-dependent or unusual need that led me to be more easily victimized by my ex sociopath than anyone else. In fact, like many victims, I was and am a trained expert in avoiding the bad-call bias. It can happen to ANYONE and it does. It happens to normal healthy humans who, like all other normal healthy humans NEED love, faith, achievement and health - all of which my ex provided for in abundance and then robbed me off little by little over time.

Saying "No" to emotional rape isn't easy or simple. It's saying "No" to something that controls your needs, thoughts and perceptions. It has nothing to do with being co-dependent, co-narcissist or having some sort of hole that needs to be filled.

As long as you believe there is some flaw, inadequacy or hole in you, you will never heal from emotional rape. As long as you continue to try to take "ownership of" or accept your "responsibility for" or "part in" what happened to you, you will continue to be a victim. Only after coming to terms with the fact that someone took advantage of your basic humanness and that short of becoming an android there's nothing you could have done to prevent it, will you cross the line to become a survivor. I am not to blame for what happened to me. I know this... and it is only now I can begin to heal.

love and hugs,

Laura