It makes me so sad (and angry) to know that I have such a long road of healing ahead, but I keep trying to take my life back one bit at a time.
At this point it all feels like background noise. Behind every thought, every feeling, every sensation is him, his voice, his touch, his demands, his deceit. There's nothing that isn't tainted with him. I'm thousands of miles away and in no danger of ever hearing from him again, but I still wonder, "Will I?"
I still love what I thought was him... what seemed so real... what seemed like the first time I'd ever known real intimacy. But I hate him for making me love an illusion more than I loved myself. For turning me into someone who so thoughtlessly gave up everything and everyone I ever loved and who ever loved me in favor of his 'love'.
Right now I have absolutely everything I ever wanted in life. EVERYTHING... I'm living where I've always wanted to live, with a beautiful man who truly loves me and two amazing dogs, with the worlds best singletrack and three of the best mountain bikes ever made and I still have this background noise of sadness.
It's like living with arthritis... pain all the time... yet you still keep going.
July 4, 2009
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
.jpg)
Posts
4 comments:
You kinda have to keep going. The alternative is death. We are survivors you and I. Great mythical birds of beauty and grace born of the ashes of who we used to be. It's six years now since he "died" and three since I won the divorce because he finally physically died. It's getting a little better every day, but the background noise, well you obvious know. I wish you didn't.
You my dear are stronger than I, in many ways so much further along than I that you give me hope. One of these days I'm going to finally get back on a bike, even if I have to go into target and buy something from there. I used to live on my bike, I traveled thousands of miles on my bike, and I'm starting to miss that freedom, that feeling. So I need to take that back along with so many other things.
But yeah, the background noise. I think I commented on it over on FB, but it's been on my mind and heart today.
We will get there. It takes time, but I know we can do it, cause we're worth it!
Even though I am just now starting to read your blog(and have a long way to go) I have to say that it has already done a world of good. Thanks to this, I now understand why I feel the way that I do and why I have had such a difficult time getting rid of this person in my life. I never understood it before. Like you I had never been "loved" like that before and was sure that it was the real deal. I was sure she was the love of my life. That she loved me like no other. After all she told me that I was the most important thing in her life; shouldn't I believe that? Sighs. Anyway, also like you I almost lost everything and everyone in my life. I gave up so much to be with her. It took me a long time to realize the cost of this relationship. Your blog gives me hope that eventually...well, I will heal. I know it is a very long road and will take time. I have hope that maybe I will also have what you have now...someday.
I have read much of your blog after finding it today and I already feel better. I thought I was alone in some parallel world where no one could see me and I couldn't even see myself. I thought my automatic transmission was pooched because I can't seem to move forward. I don't think I really even want to look at my own reflection in the mirror anymore. I'm tired. I used to be the most bubbly and happy of people. That was my touchmark and everyone knew me that way. Now I can only summons the appearance of bubbly and happy and I feel guilty because only I know in my soul it's for everyone else's benefit. I don't feel that wonderful energy and lust for life I felt three years ago before I met Mr. NPD. He came out of nowhere with his incredible upright figure, beautiful silver hair, impressive intellect, a soothing and gentle voice and a kind of wisdom and compassion and understanding I had never known in a man. He was all together and he liked me. Wow! He romanced me for five months and I finally let the bunny out of the bag. He was very physically attractive. He made love with me as though we had been practicing this aria together for a lifetime, and now was the performance with ease and with passion I had never known. I fell in love. Then, a year later when I acquiesced to the intoxicating euphoria we shared was something very special...somthing I had never know...suddenly, without warning...he was gone. In his place was an unhappy, negative, demanding, condescending, frantic, insecure, unfaithful, pathological lying con artist who expected me to accept all of what had evolved and on top of all that he expected me to pour money into his financial mess. Only a week after I left his home he referred to me in a letter as "his cheap friend"....this from a man only weeks before treated me as though I was a delicate piece of expensive bone china. It took three weeks, after we moved in together for this monster to. That was a year and a half ago and I am still reeling in pain and suffering the loss of a man who never existed.
Now every day when I awake I ask myself, "Will I ever be me again? Will I ever be happy again? Will I ever trust a man again?"
It is a horrible existence. I have good days and I have bad days. Please someone take my hand and lead me out of this dark forest where I cannot even see the light of day, some days.
This morning, after reading your blog for hours yesterday, the sun is brighter. Can you imagine? Simply knowing others have walked this road and ended up at the same detour as me actually gives me strength!
About a month ago in this year and some long journey I performed a kind of exorcism on my home, gathering up anything and everything my Mr. NPD gave me throughout the year and a half I knew his picture perfect self. I boxed it all and gave it to goodwill. I even boxed up every book he had given me and written a love note in. I pulled all the love letters he emailed me off my computer and archived them...you know...the ones that promised when we entered into intimacy he would absolutely be monogamous to our relationship. I have since requested and have to date been cleared of all or any STD's out there. You see, he was dating and romancing another woman, the same time he was romancing me for over a year and I never knew. In the end he picked me. Aren't I just the lucky one?
Removing reminders of him from my environment did help a little. When I look around my condo, there is nothing of him left here.
So this process has been long and arduous and I expect it to continue being long and arduous but it is uplifting however and it gives me hope to know I am not the only person on this painfully sad and what seemed a very lonely journey.
So thank you Laurie. I will keep reading and writing and I have regained faith in myself. I feel one more that I will emerge from this and I will be grateful for the gift that life is as I always had been before Mr. NPD. hugs....Heather
Post a Comment