Destruction...

Philosophers are often concerned with the "essence" of a thing. That is to ask, what is it about something that makes it that particular thing. Further, how much can that thing be changed before it is no longer itself?

I've been thinking about this question in terms of my own being and if my ex-N destroyed my essence. To put it another way, did my ex-N change enough of my attributes to make me indistinguishable from what I was?

I miss who I was, Sabum Nim Laura Kamienski. My life was whole. I was able to have a positive impact on the lives of women and girls through my work and my studies, in an extraordinary way. If it is true that sociopaths seek to destroy strength and goodness, I wonder if these very qualities made me more prone to be his target. Did he want to destroy the leader that I had become? But more importantly, am I still a leader? If so, of who/what? What was it that was lost in me? What qualities? In what order did I lose them? How did he destroy them? Are they retrievable?

When I was Sabum Nim I stood tall. I had energy. I was strong! My strength was both physical and emotional. I had integrity.

Sociopaths get something out of the destruction of another. But ironcally their method of destruction is disguised in a kind of creation. In their molding (manipulation) of their victims they are creating a new being. From the outside this seems like a positive, or at the very least a harmless, action. But what is lost is the fact that in order to create the person the they desire the old one must first be destroyed. What power! What control!

So, what am I now? Who am I? Am I Sabum Nim? No. I am no longer that woman. A woman that truly liked and admired. Now, I am the survivor of a sociopath struggling each day to again become someone I like and admire. But even though he stripped so many qualities that made me admirable, my essence is in tact. It is that tiny shining light I try to focus on. The part of me that enabled me to become Sabum Nim and will again enable me to become a woman I like and admire.

This is the journey of the survivor...

Love and hugs, Laura