Minimizing and Blaming: A Coping Mechanism (Editid Post)

A fellow traveler recently asked me if people I talk to about my victimization tend to minimize what happened. I answered her with a resounding, "Yes!" During that conversation we decided that unless you've been in a relationship with a sociopath it's impossible to understand. Though people want to help they simply don't know how to because they have no experience to refer to. Another aspect of this reaction is that sociopaths murder with thousands of paper cuts. Described individually none of them seem that bad and it's impossible to grasp the effect of a thousand of them at once unless you've experienced it.

But as I thought more and more about this I started to wonder why survivors also minimize the pathology and damage and why minimization feels like victim blaming. I realized that victim blaming (whether directed at the self or others) and minimization share an important characteristic. They help the minimizer/blamer to feel safe and in control.

It would seem that we, and those who care about us, wouldn't want to embrace this harmful logic. So why do we? Because it HELPS US to COPE. It is a "Not-Me" logic that asserts that what happened to you won't happen to me and if it did I won't be damaged by it because I am in control. It is the logic that sells self-defense courses that promise safety in a dangerous world.

Not-Me Logic: A Kind of Denial

The Not-Me logic behind victim blaming goes like this:

• If I am in control it is possible for me to be safe regardless of what kinds of monsters are out there.
• Since it IS possible to avoid being victimized by the monsters, there is something wrong with whoever falls prey to one.
• If there is something wrong with victims I am safe because there isn't (or is no longer) anything wrong with me. Even if there is something wrong with me, I am in control so I can fix it and stay safe.

The Not-Me logic behind minimization is much more difficult to unpack, but it goes something like this:

• Since there is something wrong with victims that landed them in a pathological relationship in the first place, what he did isn't as horrible as it seems.
  
• Since what victims experience is the result of something being wrong with them, I am safe because there is nothing wrong with me, or I can fix what is and stay safe.
  

One of the many ironies of my relationship with It was It's fervent desire that I become like a sister to It's ex-wife. This was ironic because, more than anyone, she has the power to reveal what It is and yet It invites and encourages the relationship. It does so because like all sociopaths It has a strange kind of optimism that directs It's actions. But It also knows It ultimately wields power over It's ex-wife because they share a son and she is still deeply entangled in It's web and is not immune to It's pathological manipulation.

What's more ironic is that in the end we have become like sisters - "Sisters-In-It". Not only do we share the bond of being survivors of a sociopath, but of the same sociopath. This is an extremely important and valuable relationship and I love and respect her deeply. She is one of the strongest women I know. That said, we have had many disagreements about It's motivations, severity of pathology and my own responsibility for what happened.

Not-Me Logic Offers Comfort

I now believe that most of our disagreements stem from the fact that she feels trapped in a relationship with It for the sake of their son. (More irony...in the beginning of our relationship I went on and on about how much I envied her sharing a child with It. A fate I wouldn't wish on anyone now.) What I'm beginning to understand is that in order to cope with a very dangerous pathological relationship she MUST embrace a logic that says there is something wrong with me (and to some extent with her.) To do otherwise would force her to live in a constant state of fear for herself and her son. Believing that she has control over the situation allows for a modicum of peace within it. Because we know that sociopaths are capable of manipulating even the most learned and skilled experts, embracing a Not-Me logic acts as a kind of protective armor against the terror that would ensue otherwise.

Minimization of Pathology

Another discussion we recently had was regarding sociopaths' ability to bond with other human beings. All of the research indicates that while they can attach to others, they are wholly incapable of bonding with them. The attachments they form are much like our attachments with a favorite car or piece of jewelry. My Sister-In-It often minimizes the severity of It by calling him "mild" and refusing to use the term sociopath. He is, according to her, merely a narcissist -- bad yes, but not as bad as a sociopath. It seems that this sort of minimization allows her to let her son go off with a man who is incapable of loving or bonding with another human being. A man who thinks of his son as simply a valuable (for the moment) possession. I am beginning to understand the necessity behind this kind of denial. I cannot imagine sending someone I loved off with It believing otherwise.

Minimization of the Aftermath

In addition to the psychological effects of a pathological relationship I have also been struggling with a number of physical problems since leaving It. I now suffer from high blood pressure, weight gain, fatigue, and have recently been diagnosed with early onset menopause. Both my doctor and my therapist attribute all of these symptoms to my relationship with It. It does seem more than coincidental that all of these ailments began since the relationship and are commonly associated with PTSD. But my Sister-In-It believes that I am attributing too much to what happened to me. Of course according to Not-Me logic if these symptoms are not the result of the relationship then one has less to worry about concerning their own health.

Head-in-the-Sand Wishful Thinking

I was recently accepted for a five day retreat for survivors of sociopaths and called my Sister-In-It to tell her the good news. I also expressed my wish that she could one day get the help she needs and enjoy something like this retreat. Her response was that she wouldn't be interested in anything that required her to think about narcissists for that long. While I certainly agree that obsessing over it isn't healthy I had to wonder how much of this head-in-the-sand attitude is related to the Not-Me logic that helps so many cope with fear and anxiety.

The Gift of Fear

One of my goals is to one day incorporate my experience with It into my career as a women's self-defense instructor. One thing that I knew before it, and am even more sure of after It, is that NO ONE is safe. The best we can do is keep our head out of the sand, get as much reliable information as possible and make decisions accordingly. I've said over and over again to my students there is no self-defense technique that works in every situation but there is always something you can do to help keep yourself safe. The first step is to acknowledge that we are all vulnerable to one extent or another, that none of us is in complete control and that fear is a gift that let's us know we are in danger. Not-Me logic acts as an emollient to fear, ultimately making us more vulnerable or keeping us in pathological relationships.

love and hugs, Laura