Emily has recently developed pain in her lower back and right hip. After a series of X-rays the veterinarian has determined that the damage is soft tissue damage and is likely the result of overuse or injury.I believe that Emily's injury is the result of my taking her riding with me too often and too hard without giving her proper warm-ups and stretches etc. My responsibility in harming my girl has got me thinking more about the questions concerning responsibility, blame and victim blaming in terms of relationships.
Coincidentally an anonymous reader recently posted the following comment on my "Choices and Free Will" blog entry:
OMG!!! What a diatribe! You blame him for everything, why don't you grow some balls and take responsibility for your actions too!! You permitted him to walk all over you. Stop being the victim and lick your wounds. The real problem lies with you, not him!!! Was he an asshole??? Most likely... But there is a proverb,"Never acquire a taste for shit, otherwise you'll eat it for the rest of your life!"
If our poster's comment were valid it seems Emily would do well to lick her wounds and take responsibility for her injuries. Is this a fair analogy or a false one? After all, Emily has a brain no larger than a plum. But Emily can feel pain and exhaustion and has been known to refuse to do what she doesn't want to do. Emily has free will and knows when she feels bad. So, what is Emily's real responsibility in all of this? Hers is the same as mine was with It. Ignorance, innocence, a desire to enjoy life and to please the one she loves the most.
It might follow that my responsibility for Emily's injury and It's responsibility for mine are equal. The fact is in terms of sheer responsibility, we are both 100% responsible. But our responsibility differs qualitatively. I did not hurt Emily on purpose. I didn't go out and get a dog for the sheer purpose of using up, destroying and discarding her. I adopted Emily to share my life with her and to make her happy. I am taking Emily to physical therapy and doing everything in my power to help her to heal. I won't make the same mistake again.
It targeted me for the sole purpose of using me up and destroying me. It realized I was vulnerable and played the role of lover until I wanted to please him as much as possible. Then It proceeded to consciously and systematically destroy me. It will continue to seek out others to destroy.
Now here's another difference. The love of a dog is unconditional and infinite, so is their innocence. My hurting Emily didn't rob her of her innocence. The aftermath of It robbed me of mine. Emily will always be vulnerable. So will I, but hopefully not as vulnerable.
One of the many intrusive thoughts that haunt me is a desire to ask It, "How does it feel to have destroyed so many lives?' What an ironic question to ask a psychopath! But it's one that succinctly describes the difference between us and them. They CAN'T feel! No matter how much you try to explain what they've done they simply are incapable of comprehending it...AT ALL. In destroying me (and It's previous lovers) it felt nothing. In destroying It's ex-wife It felt only the twinge of a lost reputation and having been exposed.
I believe that a pathological's lack of remorse is at the core of why victims are never able t0 feel closure. How does it feel to have hurt Emily? It hurts me more than I can express. I miss my girl when I ride. I cringe when I watch her in pain. My heart sinks to my stomach when I see her unable to do what she used to be able to do.
Ask It how it feels to have destroyed so many lives? My guess is It's answer would be much like the anonymous poster's comment:
"The real problem lies with her. She needs to take responsibility for her ignorance, innocence and desire to love. "
Love and hugs,
Laura
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That poster's comments are trash and deserve little attention. He or she is under the false impression that your posts here are about narcissists. Your posts here are for US, not THEM, and for that we thank you Laura. x
ReplyDeleteI suspect that poster is either a victim in the making or perhaps a victimizer.
ReplyDeleteYou make a great point.
There is a difference in hurting someone accidentally and wanting to make it right vs hurting someone because it brings pleasure.
The poster obviously is in some kind of fog and without empathy at all.
Either way, posting anon is a sure sign of cowardice.
I think you're right about the poster's motivation. Empathy is not these folk's strong suit. But some fellow travelers post anonymously out of fear that is warranted. :)
ReplyDeleteA friend of mine posted a comment on my FB page about this entry. I'm reposting it here followed my my response because I think it's important.
ReplyDelete"OK, the dog analogy is strained at best. Left to their own free will, dogs would eat from dumpsters, bark at the neighbors, chase squirrels and copulate with other dogs. You put the dog in a contrived situation with its "master," one it's placed in day after day where it more or less "trained" to perform and you expect it to assert it's free will... See More like a person. Hmmm. As to your somewhat tactless commenter, I think his or her clumsily made point is that the solution lies in front of you, not behind you. Careful. It's tempting to extrapolate in the opposite direction and say "I too was trained by a master to perform and am therefore not responsible" but we are not dogs. While you could not for whatever personal reasons extricate yourself then, you can now!"
You've just strengthened my analogy...
ReplyDeleteBefore It, left to my own devices I was a strong, independent, overly opinionated woman with strong convictions a career, a huge network of friends. I was an active part of a large community and had money in the bank.
After being _trained to perform_ by It (and that's exactly what they do...It even said to me once, "Be careful. We train others how to treat us) and being led to a contrived situation I turned into a begging heap of compliant jello with nothing. ... See More
Ever see how long it takes to revive an abused dog psychologically. Same thing here.
Try reading "The Betrayal Bond" by Patrick Carnes and "Women Who Love Psychopaths" by Sandra Brown for an in depth discussion of the training process psychopaths use on their "dogs".
Another well thought out and written analogy! The Anonymous post (not mine) obviously has never been in any of our shoes, at least not on the receiving end.
ReplyDeleteThe “N” in my life was an “Asshole” but that was far from the worse quality they
possessed. Don’t let any of his or her Ignorant comments rent any space in your
mind since they obviously don’t “Get It”.
The analogy of the Dog was definitely not “Strained at Best”. It is the perfect analogy for the points you are making. The paragraph in which you state that you were
targeted by it for the sole purpose of destroying you is exactly right! We are being
trained daily to perform for their goals, needs and false expectations.
My independence developed into their insecurities!
I was trained not to question their lies!
I learned that my honesty, my values and my heart offered no value to “It” at all.
What happened to me as a result of this training is amazing to me. I am still in a
discovery stage.
I mentally and physically when through a huge transition. It happened
slowly and unconsciously. Everything started to separate, there were eventually
no emotion associated with any words. At work people viewed me as a Great
Boss because I would never react in High Stress Situations. All as a result
of my “home training classes”. Which I paid highly for!
One of your final comments stating “Ever see how long it takes to
revive an abused dog psychologically” is what we are all learning. We are all
trying to revive ourselves in therapy, with friends and with your blog to somehow
fit some of the pieces of the puzzle back together.
Thank you yet again for your post, and also for the positive comment
regarding the fear some of us still have and remain (for the time) anonymous.
P
Laura, I visited your site here tonight because I am still struggling. It's hard for me to put into words what I feel sometimes because my "It" took that away from me, as well as my innocence, trust, hope, and more. By sharing your pain and guilt about your beloved Emily with us and your resolve to right what was wrong, although unintentional in the first place, is what is different about "us" and "them": caring and loving versus one who doesn't care and doesn't love.
ReplyDeleteI was fortunate enough to share a week of my life with you and other fellow travelers this past January at a retreat for survivors of pathologicals. Although there were no visible wounds on you, each of us there had experienced this unique type of assault that carries pain and scars that someone like "Anonymous" might be lucky enough to never have to include as part of one of her "lessons" in life. You were and are a beautiful creation. You didn't set out to hurt or destroy anyone or anything, unlike the predator that you sought you out. You were living life. He had no regard for your life or anyone else's. He is a Scott Peterson, an O.J. Simpson.
"Anonymous" might pose this question to herself: "What responsibility did Scott Peterson's and O.J. Simpson's victims have in bringing on themselves?"
Each of us makes choices and we should take responsibility for our part -- when what we have done was wrong. Part of the insanity of what people like you and I have lived through and managed to survive comes from the not really knowing but thinking that she ("Anonymous") does. The marriage "counselor" my husband(?) and I went to was of that same mindset. He said that I was as much at fault as my "It" was, that we treat others how to treat us. My thought on that subject is this: How does one "teach" an abuser anything?
How could Laci Peterson, Nicole Simpson, and Ron Goldman have "taught" their ultimate abusers anything?
Keep on teaching, Laura. Fellow survivors need your reminders and encouragement, just as I did tonight.
Much love,
I love your response Laura. Very well said and painfully true. My guess? The poster is a victimizer...perhaps even your victimizer.
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
ReplyDeleteDear Laura
ReplyDeleteFor purposese of clarity please allow me to state that I am a mental health profressional. That being said allow me to commend and congratulate you on your openness and willingness to share your story. As a survivor of childhood sexual abuse I understand personally and professionally how powerful sharing one's story is for the person sharing and the people having the honor of hearing the story. It saved my life!!!
I am on your website because I have a very dear girl friend who is dealing with this issue and I am trying to support her the best I can. Dealing with intractable NPD is one of the hardest situations I think I've every come inyo contact with. I honor all of your guests for their courage and you for the power of your story.
I wish you all the best
Kristen