It can happen to anyone...NPD unmasked: Finding new pieces when you can't pick up the old ones...

June 4, 2010

Finding new pieces when you can't pick up the old ones...

The following is a reply I wrote to a dear friend of mine who knew me before It. She is understandably concerned about me and offers the kind of advice well meaning loved ones give when something sad happens. She asks me to find strength to stop wallowing in and mourning a relationship that concluded over a year ago. Here's my reply:

I'm not offended. What I read here is love and concern. Thank you. I hope you never understand what I'm going through. I don't wish it on anyone. But it's not wallowing or mourning a relationship. It's recovering from the aftermath of it. I have complex PTSD, which means that along with the triggers, high blood pressure, early onset menopause, weight gain and all the other host of symptoms my brain has been rewired. I am not your tkd instructor, feminist inspiration, political mentor any more. I don't know who I am. I'm starting from scratch and that's not easy. This isn't something one can pick themselves up, brush themselves off and move on from. You're right having known who I was before this, it would seem likely that if anyone could, it would be me. Well I'm as fallen as the dozens of others I'm in contact with who are struggling with the same disease. None of us are mourning the relationship. What we are mourning is the death of who we were before them. I'm no longer self deteriorating... I'm simply struggling to find pieces that fit together that will create a whole me again. love el

8 comments:

Keeper of the CakeJun 4, 2010 01:56 PM
Beautifully, eloquently and accurately stated! Thank you Laura!
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SamanthaJun 5, 2010 05:35 PM
Amen sister, amen! Our journey is not, NOT something I'd wish on anyone else, but by the same taken it is almost (or completely) incomprehensible to them what we have to live with everyday. What we know as self evident truths borne of having lived, died, and trying to live again are wholly alien concepts to those who've not walked in our shoes.

Like trust. People bandy about the phrase "You can trust me..." like candy to children. It's inconceivable to them that our ability, or lack thereof, to trust them is directly related to a simple truth. We are once again trying to learn how to trust ourselves, let alone anyone else. Especially people who say "You can trust me..." Yeah, where have we heard THAT before. I know for me, that's a trigger, one I'm trying to repair.

We are like children again, but scared because we know that the monsters in the dark ARE real. We have to learn all over again, and put distance between ourselves and our violent pasts. We have to as you say put the pieces together in a way that makes sense, that works, and hope somehow that we do it right. We are the orphaned Tasha Yar, leaving behind a life and planet of violence and destruction to start the long journey to become Lt. Tasha Yar of the federation flagship.

We have work to do, and so many people can't seem to connect that up in their heads and hearts to our reality. I wish it wasn't so, but it's what I know we are all going through as part of our journey to ourselves.
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AnonymousJun 5, 2010 08:05 PM
It is impossible for people to understand who haven't been through a break up with an N - it is incredibly different than a 'normal' break up. And, of course, we don't wish for them to ever be able to understand! I'm just now one year out of a 17 year relationship with an N and I'm still reading, writing and recovering. It's like every time I get to a new phase of healing I relearn something else. I'm also terrified of repeating the same thing in another relationship as I know Ns can pull off the good guy routine for a few years before their true selves are revealed.

I started a helpful healing plan before I left my N, which I think was paramount to me finding the strength to leave at all. I also was experiencing symptoms of perimenopause, loosing hair, not sleeping, panic/anxiety attacks, etc. I went to see a holistic doctor who put me on some homeopathic remedies that made a world of difference. It's amazing how PTSD can affect your body - it can actually mess up your adrenal glands which in turn can play havoc on your hormones (it's called adrenal fatigue http://thyroid.about.com/cs/endocrinology/a/adrenalfatigue.htm). One of the things I did that I think really helped was nettle tea. I would drink a liter of it a day (cold with juice like iced tea because otherwise I wasn't fond of the taste). There were other things I did too - evening primose, lots of vitamen C and all the Bs, and of course eating really well.

I am still recovering, which I know not to say to certain people anymore because they look at me like I'm clinging on to something on purpose and I know they wonder why I can't get over it or why I'm still talking about it. My journal is essential to healing - and I'm sure you find yours just as healing. I wish you well - you definitely deserve it. We'll get there eventually!
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SamanthaJun 5, 2010 09:12 PM
Oh, yes, journaling! I started in '04 with a 200 page college ruled comp book. I'm on Volume 18 now and still writing. My therapist said it would be important. It helps me express myself, and helps me see how far I've come. I record the good stuff, and the bad. Especially the things that have been steps forward.

I do it the old fashioned way, with pen to paper because even my handwriting tells a story about my mood and feelings at the time. Never imagined journaling would become so important to my growth. Sometimes I pour out pages and pages at a time.

And yeah, I don't usually discuss things in detail with other people because they don't get it. I leads to endless platitudes born of a complete lack of understanding and is particularly frustrating.

Yeah, recovery, takes a while, and I've resigned myself to focusing on the hardest project of my life. There are no shortcuts to healing. I wish I there was.
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AnonymousJun 7, 2010 10:09 AM
You spoke for all of us Laura. Thank you.
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AnonymousJun 8, 2010 11:32 AM
Thank you Laura,
Very well said!

I had at one time thought that at this point of
my life I would be discussing with family and
friends the excitement and enjoyment of the last trip or vacation I had just returned from.

Never...Ever.. Would I have imagined that as an
adult a memorable and precious moment would be
connecting actual words with an emotion! I ended
my relationship with "IT" 9 months ago after more than 10yrs. I got my feelings hurt for the
1st time 2 weeks ago and it took 9 days after the conversation to "feel" that actual emotion..
and tears at that point fell. Who on earth would
understand this process unless they have been in
our shoes? It is for me...an embarrassing process. I absolutely am a child learning again!

I do not want to forget even one of these embarrassing but precious moments. I want the REALITY of what happened and could happen again
to stay with me. I do not ever deserve to be
treated with so little respect that I feel like
a helpless child! I want to accept it....but I
never want to forget it..

I also want to thank Samantha for her entry's.
Thank you for your honest and important comments
on "Trust" and how many people just don't
"Get It" and they can't. Just as we try looking
through the eyes of our "N's" to understand how
and why...."We Can't"
Thank you very much.
Paula
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AnonymousJul 16, 2011 03:48 PM
Wow...I know that this blog is really not in operation anymore but I had to comment that this is exactly what I realized I am going through...it hit me last night. I found myself googling...lost identity brainwashing sociopath and husband.

Thank God for the gift of your eloquence and ability to put it down exactly the way it is!
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Laura KamienskiMar 7, 2012 08:52 PM
An update on this post. You WILL lose friends in the aftermath of an N/S/P. The woman who wrote this letter has decided that I am no longer worthy of her love and respect because of what I became under his control. There's really nothing I can do about that. I hope she never understands what I've been through. But in my recovery I've also realized that those who have abandoned us because of what has happened have proven to be unworthy of our love to some degree. I focus on the many wonderful friends who have stuck with me through and after all of it. There are lots of loving people out there. You are not alone! love and hugs, Laura
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by Laura Kamienski 11/23/2008

For the past decade I have taught women and girls to protect themselves. I am considered an expert in the field of women's self-defense. My course consists not only of helping women to learn to protect their bodies, but includes activities designed to help women develop skills to protect their hearts as well.

Over the last few months I've been asking myself how it happened that in 2007-2008 I found myself immersed in an emotionally abusive relationship to the point of losing my heart, soul and all of my self-esteem. A relationship that robbed me of my essence and destroyed my capacity to believe in the goodness of humanity. The answer is that I fell in love with a man with...

Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD)

Before I continue it's important to point out that labeling my ex's behavior as the result of a disorder awards him too much sympathy and leniency. He, and all other narcissists (N's) and sociopaths, know exactly what they are doing. While their inclinations are driven by a tragic psychological disorder, their actions are chosen. They choose to abuse! Plain and simple. If you're not sure about this and want to believe that their behavior is beyond their control, ask yourself two questions. First, why are they able to behave in diametrically opposing manners depending on who's watching? and Second, if they don't know right from wrong, why are they bothered when someone finds out about their cruelty or abuse?

All couples share special phrases or gestures. For my ex and me it was that we were a "perfect fit." I can't tell you how astonished and devastated I was to learn how many Victims of N's (VoN's) are perfect fits for their N's. Of course they are! N's write the script and VoN's become the leading lady. As soon as they've secured your love they start "training" you for your role. Once you were beautiful, now you need make-up. Once you were incredibly insightful, now your thoughts are trite, once your being a tom-boy was endearing, now you're just not feminine enough, and on and on...

The purpose of this journal is not to vent or to bash my ex. It's only purpose is to aid in my healing and to help other victims of emotional abuse. I have very conflicted feelings about doing this. N's can consume both positive and negative Narcissistic Supply (NS)*. A potential side effect of my blog is as a grand source of negative NS. I have weighed this reality against the potential value that it has for my own recovery and the possibility of it helping others. More than anything survivors need to solidify their experiences and to realize that they are not crazy, and that what they've experienced is real.

Over time I will use this space to describe the devastating consequences of loving someone with NPD. It is impossible to fully comprehend the depth of damage that a relationship with an N causes unless you've experienced it for yourself. (A fate I don't wish on anyone!) The best metaphor I've come across so far (and there are many) is that being in a relationship with an N is like living in a house of mirrors. Nothing is real, though some of it seems more real than reality. In fact, even better than reality!!

Briefly stated N's have the uncanny ability to read you cover to cover in the blink of an eye. N's are typically very intelligent, often good looking, usually charismatic and charming. When they spot a source of NS they morph into exactly the man (less frequently the woman) you've only dreamed about. They become everything you've always wanted and then some. They make you feel like you matter more than anything in the world and that you are special.

Just like a soap opera in which this week's star is discarded in favor a new leading lady who seems better able to measure up to some ideal, it simply doesn't matter how perfect the first one was for the leading man last season, she simply isn't good enough. (Think Robert Palmer's Addicted to Love video. We're all replaceable sources of NS.)

This process of idealization and devaluation is inherent in the narcissistic relationship. Devaluation begins long before the break up, when the NS you're supplying becomes stale or weak. It is during that process that your soul is chipped away until you're no longer recognizable to anyone who knew you before your N.

In order to heal, it's important that you understand the person you've been dealing with, but it is as important to learn about yourself and why you are not to blame for the abuse you've experienced. If nothing else I hope this blog will help strengthen your Nar-dar! None of us are ever completely safe from N manipulation, but we can learn to more quickly recognize certain behavior patterns and escape before it's too late.

If you are involved with an N, as you read you will find yourself in a state of relief and disbelief. "OMG that's him!" will cross your mind, or your lips repeatedly. All of a sudden all the confusion, mixed messages, and disconnects will make a bit more sense, though I can tell you now that you shouldn't expect it to ever make complete sense or to experience genuine closure.

It is important to remember that N's are capable of controlling their actions and to know right from wrong. Once I realized that my ex had a disorder I found myself feeling sorry for him. Though understanding does make it easier for me to cope, it's important that VoN's place responsibility where it rightfully belongs, on the abuser. I now refuse to feel anything but regret and disdain for him.

*******************************************************

The following is a passage from Narcissistic Loves: How to Cope, Recover and Move On by Cynthia Zayn & Kevin Dibble, M.S.

Though realizing that his cruelty wasn't intentionally directed at you is of some explanation, we know it doesn't offer complete comfort. When in the throes of heartache, however, after understanding the N is afflicted with a personality disorder, and is seemingly at its mercy, many people tend to feel pity for him. Remember, though, not to pity the N for very long. Beware that although his motivations are spurred by his disorder, he is an adult, regardless of his childlike, emotional state of being. As an adult, he knows right from wrong and has the ability to make moral choices. By giving in to his cravings and cruelly using others, he demonstrates a weakness in his personality (one of many character flaws). He can and must be held accountable for his actions regardless of the fact that he feels no remorse for them.

So don't waste sympathy on your N. Sure, he feels driven by the desire to obtain ideal love and feels he is at the mercy of those desires. While his mother may have given him too much or too little love, chances are she taught him right from wrong. Even if she failed in that area as well, adults don't become adults without being exposed to that knowledge and somewhere along the way must be held responsible for their own actions.

******************************************************

I plan to work on this regularly so check back often. For now... remember that if you are recovering from a relationship with an N, the 18 inches between your head and your heart will be the longest journey you've ever been on.

*Narcissistic Supply is any form of attention, be it positive (adulation, admiration) or negative (anger or pain perceived to be caused by the N in question.) In other words, any behavior that reifies the False Self of the N.

Peace,
Laura

Are You Dating a Sociopath?

10 Ways to Identify a Sociopath

Listen to the way your partner speaks. Most sociopaths put themselves on pedestals. Their grandiose sense of self makes them feel entitled to certain things. They see these things as "their right."
Pay attention to the way the person treats you. A sociopath is manipulative, domineering, controlling, and takes pleasure in humiliating his victim(s). Sociopaths have self-serving behaviors.
Count the lies. Sociopaths are notorious liars. It's almost impossible for a sociopath to tell the truth.
Observe the way the person expresses his or her emotions. A sociopath has an incapacity for love. Promiscuity, addictions, verbal outbursts and physical punishments are the sociopath's way of stimulating himself.
Wait until he or she says or does something wrong. The sociopath shows no remorse, shame or guilt. Although a sociopath may be outraged by insignifican matters, he or she will remain unmoved by serious matters.
Count his or her friends. A sociopath has trouble making and keeping friends. He will make up an excuse for this, too.
Listen to other people. Sociopaths do not become sociopaths overnight. They have a history. Sometimes these histories include aberrant behaviors, including: stealing, lying, promiscuity, and cruelty to people or animals.
Observe the way she blames others. The sociopath does not take responsibility for her actions. Instead, she blames others, even for acts she obviously committed.
Listen to his plans for the future. The sociopath makes unrealistic plans for the future. He does not fulfill his promises and exploits those that try to help him achieve his goals.
Take a step back. It may be hard to recognize a sociopath, especially when you're in a relationship with this person. A sociopath can become very abusive. Unfortunately, the abuse will not stop. The sociopath "gets by" by promising, lying, and manipulating. This will create a sense of hoplessness in the victim, thus producing an addictive cycle for abuser and abused.

46 Characteristics of a Narcissist

1. Self-centered. His needs are paramount.

2. No remorse for mistakes or misdeeds.

3. Unreliable, undependable.

4. Does not care about the consequences of his actions.

5. Projects his faults on to others. High
blaming behavior; never his fault.

6. Little if any conscience.

7. Insensitive to needs and feelings of others.

8. Has a good front (persona) to impress and exploit others.

9. Low stress tolerance. Easy to anger and rage.

10. People are to be manipulated for his needs.

11. Rationalizes easily. Twists conversation to his gain at other’s expense. If trapped, keeps
talking, changes the subject or gets angry.

12. Pathological lying.

13. Tremendous need to control situations, conversations, others.

14. No real values. Mostly situational.

15. Often perceived as caring and understanding and uses this to manipulate.

16. Angry, mercurial, moods.

17. Uses sex to control

18. Does not share ideas, feelings, emotions.

19. Conversation controller. Must have the first and last word.

20. Is very slow to forgive others. Hangs onto resentment.

21. Secret life. Hides money, friends, activities.

22. Likes annoying others. Likes to create chaos and disrupt for no reason.

23. Moody - switches from nice guy to anger without much provocation.

24. Repeatedly fails to honor financial obligations.

25. Seldom expresses appreciation.

26. Grandiose. Convinced he knows more than others and is correct in all he does.

27. Lacks ability to see how he comes across to others. Defensive when confronted with his behavior. Never his fault.

28. Can get emotional, tearful. This is about show or frustration rather than sorrow.

29. He breaks woman's spirits to keep them dependent.

30. Needs threats, intimidations to keep others close to him.

31. Sabotages partner. Wants her to be happy only through him and to have few or no outside interests and acquaintances.

32. Highly contradictory.

33. Convincing. Must convince people to side with him.

34. Hides his real self. Always “on”

35. Kind only if he's getting from you what he wants.

36. He has to be right. He has to win. He has to look good.

37. He announces, not discusses. He tells, not asks.

38. Does not discuss openly, has a hidden agenda.

39. Controls money of others but spends freely on himself.

40. Unilateral condition of, "I'm OK and justified so I don't need to hear your position or ideas"

41. Always feels misunderstood.

42. You feel miserable with this person. He drains you.

43. Does not listen because he does not care.

44. His feelings are discussed, not the partners.

45. Is not interested in problem-solving..

46. Very good at reading people, so he can manipulate them. Sometimes called gaslighting.

Grieving the Narcissist

I found this to be an inspired, meticulous and empathetic detailing of the grief experience. Truly amazing. ~Invicta

Author: nickyskye

Date: March 13, 2001 10:31 AM

Subject: grieving a N/Hermes

In response to message posted by Hermes:

My heart goes out to you in your recovery. Grieving the loss of a relationship with a N has many layers. They are not the usual layers of grieving a healthy person. The problem is that some of the layers ARE the same as grieving a healthy person but then there are layers reserved only for the loss of a N relationship, which are not understood by the 'civilian' population and can ONLY be understood by those who have survived a significant relationship with a N.

In a healthy relationship break-up one grieves:

The dream of love not continuing.
The break in the continuity of the familiar.
The pain of saying goodbye.
The sadness of the exchange of ill will in the parting.
A sense of loss.
Living with the nostalgia of things one used to do together, broken memories of past pleasures.
Hope interrupted.
Well wishing put aside for self-survival.

Those are typical feelings that can come up after a break-up of a healthy relationship.

But grieving a N there are other ingredients, not available to the public understanding, such as:

The nightmare of going from being idealized to being devalued.
Discovering the web of lies on many levels.
Coming to terms with the terrible, terrible understanding that one was not an object of love but a source of NS. That in itself is so painful that it has many stages of comprehension.
The dawning of understanding that one's nostalgia and tender memories of affection for the N were corrupted by the N's agenda.
Not being believed by people about some of the weird things the N did and feeling isolated in one's grief more than in grieving a healthy break-up.
Discovering with some horror, mingled with relief of a strange kind, that the person one loved was not the person one thought one loved.
Everything about the relationship shifts into the garish clinical light of the DSMlV. One's object of former love is now something of a lab specimen, "a typical N".
Not being able to let go with love but having to let go only with understanding. The closure itself has the sadness of knowing the ex is disfigured, deformed but always dangerous. [I'm not certain closure is possible. ~Invicta]
When one hears one's healthy ex is having sex with a new person, married, or has gone on in their life, there is a sting of sadness, the nostalgia for 'what could have been'. That itself, the astringency becomes part of the detaching. And as time goes by that sting becomes a well wishing, including the ex in one's loving prayers. The ex gets woven into the fabric of one's fond memories.
But with a xN, news of their present life always bring chills of fear and twinges of unresolved grieving. Who are they hurting now? Will they ever come into my life again? Was I not important to them, was it all that for nothing? Knowing about the N's need for NS one cannot help thinking will they come back for my NS? Was *my* NS something they treasured and miss?
But in the light of day, understanding the N means that one is not valued for who one IS but only as a commodity, for NS, empty, meaningless NS.
After the detachment is physically complete with a N there is the nagging abyss of was that all for nothing? It's a terrible loss and there is nowhere to go with that loss. It's static. It doesn't evolve into lost love. It just remains as a loss.

Grieving a N is a burden, it's a hole in one's life.

Love, Nicky

It can happen to anyone...NPD unmasked

June 4, 2010

Finding new pieces when you can't pick up the old ones...

8 comments:

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A Blog of Hope and Recovery for Survivors of Narcissistic Abuse

by Laura Kamienski 11/23/2008

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Are You Dating a Sociopath?

10 Ways to Identify a Sociopath

46 Characteristics of a Narcissist

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