Resurfacing Hope

Dear Fellow Travelers,

Since my last post I’ve heard from many of you who have expressed your gratitude and shared your stories with me. I too want to express my gratitude for all of your kind words and love. For those of you in the beginning stages of recovery, I emphasize that there IS HOPE.

O told me on many occasions that, “the best revenge is to live well.” My greatest wish for myself and all of you is that we are able to live well.

The dictionary defines revenge as: “to exact punishment or expiation for a wrong on behalf of, especially in a resentful or vindictive spirit.” Anger is an important part of healing. All of us have had fantasies of revenge for what we’ve gone through. These images, however always include some level of remorse from our ex-pathological, which is inherently impossible.

How many of us have asked ourselves, “How could I have done that?” “What was I doing?” “What was I thinking?” Lately when I think back to that time in my life it is more like thinking about another person, perhaps a friend or star in a tragic drama. I think, “That wasn’t me!” I’ve realized that those instincts are right on the mark. It truly wasn’t me. The shell of a woman that was his possession was the manifestation of his pathology. I was buried in an hypnotic trance, unable to surface. So, while I think that living well is the goal we all need to strive for, it is important to remember that living wholly and fully free from the grip of pathology isn't revenge so much as a gift to ourselves.

When we begin to understand that revenge against a pathological is impossible, and forgive the monster for behaving as he must -- as a monster -- it is then and only then that we can begin to live well. And perhaps our dismissal of our ex-pathological is, to whatever small degree, the only revenge we can exact on one without a conscience.

Healing is work, the hardest you’ll ever do. It is not something that happens spontaneously as in the case of a scrape or bruise. It requires a great deal of conscious effort, research and help. It is easy to become trapped in an identity of being his ex. It is HIS trap and his way of remaining in contact with you. Imagine that your ex-pathological has implanted a device in your soul that feeds on your pain and fears. In essence that’s what they do. It’s a way of staying connected with you even if you never see or hear from him again. The good news is that the device does have limitations and a life span. It malfunctions and becomes weaker every time we recognize that our pain and fear are his pleasure and reject them whole cloth. I still trigger on occasion. Perhaps it’s a song on the radio, a smell, or something I see that reminds me of him. The difference is that now, after a great deal of hard work, I am able to recognize triggers for what they are, thereby disabling them from feeding what’s left of my own implant. In fact, I have developed the ability to recognize it almost immediately and have caught myself laughing out loud while thinking, “Oh, there you are again! I know what you are!” Breaking contact with your ex-pathological means disabling his device. It’s an experience I hope all of you come to know.

I don’t think we ever totally get past what has happened to us, but I do believe we get to a place that our experiences take on a different light. One that feels more like a bad dream that has stuck with us for a long time. Who was that woman? Was she me? I believe that the woman I was with him was not me. Resurfacing is the final step toward living well. I am profoundly happy to say that Laura has resurfaced and the woman my ex-pathological created lives only in his dark and distorted psyche waiting to become his next victim. Of course I am different now. No one can experience being imprisoned in a pathological’s zombie and resurface as before. My world view has changed. My life has changed. But, my essence remains in tact and I am now able to recognize evil and appreciate goodness in ways I never could before. And perhaps I should thank my ex-pathological for that. :)

Love and hugs,
Laura