It can happen to anyone...NPD unmasked

Resurfacing Hope

2011-05-13T09:41:00.005-07:00

Dear Fellow Travelers,

Since my last post I’ve heard from many of you who have expressed your gratitude and shared your stories with me. I too want to express my gratitude for all of your kind words and love. For those of you in the beginning stages of recovery, I emphasize that there IS HOPE.

O told me on many occasions that, “the best revenge is to live well.” My greatest wish for myself and all of you is that we are able to live well.

The dictionary defines revenge as: “to exact punishment or expiation for a wrong on behalf of, especially in a resentful or vindictive spirit.” Anger is an important part of healing. All of us have had fantasies of revenge for what we’ve gone through. These images, however always include some level of remorse from our ex-pathological, which is inherently impossible.

How many of us have asked ourselves, “How could I have done that?” “What was I doing?” “What was I thinking?” Lately when I think back to that time in my life it is more like thinking about another person, perhaps a friend or star in a tragic drama. I think, “That wasn’t me!” I’ve realized that those instincts are right on the mark. It truly wasn’t me. The shell of a woman that was his possession was the manifestation of his pathology. I was buried in an hypnotic trance, unable to surface. So, while I think that living well is the goal we all need to strive for, it is important to remember that living wholly and fully free from the grip of pathology isn't revenge so much as a gift to ourselves.

When we begin to understand that revenge against a pathological is impossible, and forgive the monster for behaving as he must -- as a monster -- it is then and only then that we can begin to live well. And perhaps our dismissal of our ex-pathological is, to whatever small degree, the only revenge we can exact on one without a conscience.

Healing is work, the hardest you’ll ever do. It is not something that happens spontaneously as in the case of a scrape or bruise. It requires a great deal of conscious effort, research and help. It is easy to become trapped in an identity of being his ex. It is HIS trap and his way of remaining in contact with you. Imagine that your ex-pathological has implanted a device in your soul that feeds on your pain and fears. In essence that’s what they do. It’s a way of staying connected with you even if you never see or hear from him again. The good news is that the device does have limitations and a life span. It malfunctions and becomes weaker every time we recognize that our pain and fear are his pleasure and reject them whole cloth. I still trigger on occasion. Perhaps it’s a song on the radio, a smell, or something I see that reminds me of him. The difference is that now, after a great deal of hard work, I am able to recognize triggers for what they are, thereby disabling them from feeding what’s left of my own implant. In fact, I have developed the ability to recognize it almost immediately and have caught myself laughing out loud while thinking, “Oh, there you are again! I know what you are!” Breaking contact with your ex-pathological means disabling his device. It’s an experience I hope all of you come to know.

I don’t think we ever totally get past what has happened to us, but I do believe we get to a place that our experiences take on a different light. One that feels more like a bad dream that has stuck with us for a long time. Who was that woman? Was she me? I believe that the woman I was with him was not me. Resurfacing is the final step toward living well. I am profoundly happy to say that Laura has resurfaced and the woman my ex-pathological created lives only in his dark and distorted psyche waiting to become his next victim. Of course I am different now. No one can experience being imprisoned in a pathological’s zombie and resurface as before. My world view has changed. My life has changed. But, my essence remains in tact and I am now able to recognize evil and appreciate goodness in ways I never could before. And perhaps I should thank my ex-pathological for that. :)

Love and hugs,
Laura

Okay.... One last post! :D

2010-09-13T11:30:00.001-07:00

F.I.D.O. - My Surrender - Stage Six

2010-07-15T19:17:00.007-07:00

Dear Fellow Travelers,

The time has finally come to make my last It Can Happen to Anyone blog entry. I have surrendered and have found peace.

It is impossible to put into words the leap of faith that brought me here, but it has a great deal to do with becoming fed up with feeling bad and turning back to the work of Eckhart Tolle, whose teachings were not coincidentally what got me through the hardest parts of my escape and recovery. My last recommendation to all of you is to read and listen to all of his teachings. Here's a taste:

One of the things I've come to understand through Tolle's teaching is that pathological people are pure unadulterated ego. Ego without the possibility of ever awakening to consciousness in their present form. They are not aware, in any meaningful sense of the word, of what they are doing to others. That is not to say they don't know what they're doing (they do!) but only in the realm of ego driven pathology. This realization has opened up space in me to be able to forgive my ex-pathological for what he has done to me and to others, and to forgive myself as well. This does not mean that I will ever be willing to communicate with him in any shape or form. I won't. It simply means that I have dissolved all emotional entanglements to him and am ready to live life.

I will leave this blog up and continue to moderate comments and replies. I hope that it continues to be a source of help for future travelers.

When I first mentioned to one of my dear fell0w travelers that I was ready to move on and to end my blog, she replied, "Oh yeah! FIDO!", which stands for "fuck it drive on."

I laughed. Thought for a moment.... and replied,

"No. It's really...FORGAVE IT. Driving on..."

Another fellow traveler congratulated me for finally reaching stage six of my recovery. In her e-mail she included an insightful list of stages survivors of pathologicals go through. I leave you with this list and send positive energy out to each and all of you who find this blog that you reach stage six soon.

Stages of recovery for victims of NPD:

The following is a non-scientific observation with absolutely NO empirical data to back it up. Just some personal observations.

1. Realization: In the beginning, it was a dream come true. The most intoxicating earth-shattering love imaginable. Then came the 1st crack in perfection. An inexplicable rage in your partner that seemed way out of line with the circumstance.

Then, maybe you remember that moment when it finally dawned on you that "something" was not right. At first, you thought you were dealing with a person who had 2 sides to him: A good side and a bad (conflicted) side. You figured others (the ones who warned you or sensed something "not right") didn't understand the underlying good person. You thought you could be the person who made that person whole: At least that's what he told you.

In a short period of time, you went from being perfection in his eyes, to a person who could do nothing right. You walked on eggshells avoiding anything that might set him off. You lived for the moment that things would go back to the way they were.

The fights were confusing. Sometimes you didn't even know what you'd done to anger him. The rages became more frequent and began to resemble abuse (verbal or physical). The lies were the most confusing because sometimes they were about things so insignificant, there was no point to the lie. He made you think that YOU were the one with "memory problems" and at one point, you actually thought it might be true that you were losing it. (You were a victim of gas-lighting).

The more dominant he became, the more submissive you became...losing yourself in the process.

Then one day, perhaps via the Internet or a magazine article, or TV special....you became aware of NPD and suddenly you realized you weren't alone and there was an actual disorder associated with the person you thought you knew.

2. Denial: You researched NPD and because the prognosis for it is so bleak, you continually searched for a different (more treatable) disorder.

You left him, then fell victim again, and "danced the dance" over and over again until your emotions were so sapped that you were at the point of breakdown yourself.

You drove your family, friends, and yourself crazy talking about it constantly. This also served to make you look like a complete idiot every time you once again fell for his manipulative declarations of love and change.

Eventually you realized that your partner was a Narcissist and you were terrified.

3. Anger at the N: You began to uncover all the lies and deceptions. The anger was overwhelming. How could he act that way to someone who had given so much of themselves? You were so angry that you had constant thoughts and even nightmares about him. You watched as he continued his routine of exploitation with others and even thought of "outing" this master of deception to the rest of the world.

4. Anger at yourself: (The most difficult stage of all.) You began to feel like an idiot for having let yourself be so obviously deceived. You realized you were going to have to eat mud, because many of your friends warned you that he was not what he seemed. You became deeply depressed and had a long road ahead recuperating the part of yourself that you sacrificed to an illusion. The fact that you finally realized he and your relationship was only an illusion, only served to depress you more deeply.

5. Coming to terms: You made a complete emotional (and hopefully physical) break from him. At this point he didn't even like you anymore as you weren't supplying NS, anyway. You started to pick up the pieces and regain the inner strength you previously had. You networked and your friends began to enjoy the fact that you had something to talk about that didn't involve your "N." You started to laugh again and enjoy the things you'd unconsciously given up. You began to feel like a valuable person again.

Oddly enough, this for many, was a dangerous moment because with your new strength, you became once again "attractive/valued" to your "N." But this time you knew enough to know that he was a "Soul Without Footprints" and the person you thought existed was a figment of his own imagination mixed in with a little wishful thinking on your part.

So you walked away, half-healed, but still slightly marred by self-doubt. Perhaps you began to see NPD EVERYWHERE...even when it wasn't merited.

But most important, you came to know you were involved with a person with an illness of the emotions that can rarely be treated....and it wasn't your fault.

*Note: And although the disorder is not his fault and empathy can not be surgically transplanted, he is well aware of the harm and hurt he causes. He just honestly doesn't care because he does not have the capacity to actually feel what others feel...only what he himself feels. N's are emotional predators. They will steal your heart to acquire your happiness, money, prestige....or whatever it is that feeds their NS needs.

6. True Recovery: One day you wake up and find that you honestly don't care anymore. It is the most liberating feeling imaginable. You realize that normal people are everywhere and your brush with this previously unimaginable individual or anyone else like him, is not likely to ever happen again.

You are now ready to resume life. Make lemonade from the lemons in your life. Use the information you unwillingly acquired, as a life lesson. Use it to realize that you are one of the luckiest people in the world because YOU have the ability to laugh and enjoy life. YOU have a chance at happiness. The "N" never does and never will. If perchance you have a need for revenge...that in itself should suffice.

So, for now (and that is all there really is) Emily and I are just fine!

Much love and great big hugs.... Laura

Questions of Closure and the CRITICAL Importance of NO CONTACT.

2010-06-12T18:19:00.007-07:00

I will be traveling back east for an extended vacation this summer. While there I will have the opportunity to travel to upstate NY to visit some friends I made while I was with It. That possibility has resurrected the fantasy that many fellow-travelers share. The fantasy of being able to have some sort of closure in the aftermath of a relationship with a pathological.

This closure fantasy has an essential component. That afterward, It/They will somehow understand what they've done to us. What we want is to let them know that we know what they are and explain it in such a way that they will understand and experience remorse.

I discussed this possibility with a fellow traveler and with my therapist. My fellow traveler believes that there is therapeutic value in my confronting It for me. Confronting someone who's hurt us, whether in person, by journal etc. is a common therapeutic devise for those who are dealing with NORMAL relationships. Knowing this, my friend was exploring the possibility of any therapeutic value for me in confronting It.

I thought about it for a long time after our conversation and even before talking to my therapist about it, I decided that it would only feed It with negative supply and could have no value for me whatever. The fact that confronting a pathological can't have any value is part of why there is NO closure from a relationship with a pathological. The outcome will inevitably leave us more frustrated at their inability to empathize with what they've done - and remember empathy is an impossibility for these people. But after discussing it with my therapist I realized that confronting It can do nothing but put me in REAL danger in two specific ways:

A: Exposing ourselves to our ex pathological leaves us WIDE open to be sucked in again. Remember they have the ability to hypnotize us and place us in a trance-like state VERY quickly. Confronting our ex-pathological leaves us wide open for re-victimization.

B: Psychopaths absolutely HATE to be exposed face to face. Confronting our ex-pathologicals puts us in danger of severe wrath and retribution at the hand of someone who has absolutely no empathy for anyone and who is prone to rages. Very dangerous!

Though there are many, many other reasons, these two reasons alone establish why having an ABSOLUTE rule of NO CONTACT is essential not only for healing, but also for our own safety. So even though I will probably always feel the need to confront It with the truth of what It is and what It's done to me and It's other victims, I understand that it can only result in opening me up to more danger and more pain with no possibility for a positive outcome whatever.

love and hugs, Laura

Finding new pieces when you can't pick up the old ones...

2010-06-04T13:05:00.004-07:00

The following is a reply I wrote to a dear friend of mine who knew me before It. She is understandably concerned about me and offers the kind of advice well meaning loved ones give when something sad happens. She asks me to find strength to stop wallowing in and mourning a relationship that concluded over a year ago. Here's my reply:

I'm not offended. What I read here is love and concern. Thank you. I hope you never understand what I'm going through. I don't wish it on anyone. But it's not wallowing or mourning a relationship. It's recovering from the aftermath of it. I have complex PTSD, which means that along with the triggers, high blood pressure, early onset menopause, weight gain and all the other host of symptoms my brain has been rewired. I am not your tkd instructor, feminist inspiration, political mentor any more. I don't know who I am. I'm starting from scratch and that's not easy. This isn't something one can pick themselves up, brush themselves off and move on from. You're right having known who I was before this, it would seem likely that if anyone could, it would be me. Well I'm as fallen as the dozens of others I'm in contact with who are struggling with the same disease. None of us are mourning the relationship. What we are mourning is the death of who we were before them. I'm no longer self deteriorating... I'm simply struggling to find pieces that fit together that will create a whole me again. love el

Healing...

2010-05-25T23:30:00.004-07:00

Dear Fellow Travelers... it's been a while since I've blogged. I suspect I'm trying to limit the amount of time I spend immersed in "It's" space. But I wanted to give you a brief update.

Emily and I are healing. Though neither of us will ever be the same again, we're both finding ways to live and love life again.

I'm encouraged with the positive results I'm experiencing with EMDR therapy. I'm finding that the intrusive thoughts are less frequent and when they do come up I'm much more aware of what they are and where they are coming from, enabling me to dissipate them more quickly.

I'm also embracing the experience of becoming whole again. It's kind of like a rebirth. I get to decide who I am all over again, with the luxury of knowing who I was before I was destroyed. With the help of loved ones I'm rediscovering my love of playing piano and flute again. I'm still riding mountain bike and enjoying the Sonoran Desert. I'm decorating the house of my dreams and loving a wonderful man who supports me through the good and bad times.

Rebuilding a life after a pathological relationship is the hardest thing I've ever done. I know I've got a long way to go, but I'm on my way... :D

Love and hugs,
Laura

Responsibility, Blame and Injury

2010-04-04T11:31:00.019-07:00

Emily has recently developed pain in her lower back and right hip. After a series of X-rays the veterinarian has determined that the damage is soft tissue damage and is likely the result of overuse or injury.

I believe that Emily's injury is the result of my taking her riding with me too often and too hard without giving her proper warm-ups and stretches etc. My responsibility in harming my girl has got me thinking more about the questions concerning responsibility, blame and victim blaming in terms of relationships.

Coincidentally an anonymous reader recently posted the following comment on my "Choices and Free Will" blog entry:

OMG!!! What a diatribe! You blame him for everything, why don't you grow some balls and take responsibility for your actions too!! You permitted him to walk all over you. Stop being the victim and lick your wounds. The real problem lies with you, not him!!! Was he an asshole??? Most likely... But there is a proverb,"Never acquire a taste for shit, otherwise you'll eat it for the rest of your life!"

If our poster's comment were valid it seems Emily would do well to lick her wounds and take responsibility for her injuries. Is this a fair analogy or a false one? After all, Emily has a brain no larger than a plum. But Emily can feel pain and exhaustion and has been known to refuse to do what she doesn't want to do. Emily has free will and knows when she feels bad. So, what is Emily's real responsibility in all of this? Hers is the same as mine was with It. Ignorance, innocence, a desire to enjoy life and to please the one she loves the most.

It might follow that my responsibility for Emily's injury and It's responsibility for mine are equal. The fact is in terms of sheer responsibility, we are both 100% responsible. But our responsibility differs qualitatively. I did not hurt Emily on purpose. I didn't go out and get a dog for the sheer purpose of using up, destroying and discarding her. I adopted Emily to share my life with her and to make her happy. I am taking Emily to physical therapy and doing everything in my power to help her to heal. I won't make the same mistake again.

It targeted me for the sole purpose of using me up and destroying me. It realized I was vulnerable and played the role of lover until I wanted to please him as much as possible. Then It proceeded to consciously and systematically destroy me. It will continue to seek out others to destroy.

Now here's another difference. The love of a dog is unconditional and infinite, so is their innocence. My hurting Emily didn't rob her of her innocence. The aftermath of It robbed me of mine. Emily will always be vulnerable. So will I, but hopefully not as vulnerable.

One of the many intrusive thoughts that haunt me is a desire to ask It, "How does it feel to have destroyed so many lives?' What an ironic question to ask a psychopath! But it's one that succinctly describes the difference between us and them. They CAN'T feel! No matter how much you try to explain what they've done they simply are incapable of comprehending it...AT ALL. In destroying me (and It's previous lovers) it felt nothing. In destroying It's ex-wife It felt only the twinge of a lost reputation and having been exposed.

I believe that a pathological's lack of remorse is at the core of why victims are never able t0 feel closure. How does it feel to have hurt Emily? It hurts me more than I can express. I miss my girl when I ride. I cringe when I watch her in pain. My heart sinks to my stomach when I see her unable to do what she used to be able to do.

Ask It how it feels to have destroyed so many lives? My guess is It's answer would be much like the anonymous poster's comment:

"The real problem lies with her. She needs to take responsibility for her ignorance, innocence and desire to love. "

Love and hugs,
Laura

The Trauma Response by Dr. Patti Levin

2010-04-03T12:13:00.003-07:00

The following links to a pdf file listing normal responses to abnormal events entitled The Trauma Response"

Those of us with complex PTSD will recognize the symptoms, while the specific event(s) will be much murkier. The suggestions for self care are helpful.

http://www.drpattilevin.com/educational/trauma_response.pdf

Love and hugs, Laura

PTSD Documentary recommended by my therapist

2010-03-31T22:17:00.002-07:00

The reaction is usually, "Well you were never in combat." but PTSD is also the result of being shattered by a psychopath. This documentary offers insight. Love and hugs, Laura

Help for "Co-parenting" with a Sociopath - Another great lovefraud. com article

2010-03-16T11:05:00.002-07:00

This article gives great advice and suggestions for how to establish and maintain no contact with your ex-NS should It still have legal rights to your child.

Love and hugs, Laura

Psychopaths' brains wired to seek rewards, no matter the consequences

2010-03-14T21:55:00.000-07:00

Psychopaths' brains wired to seek rewards, no matter the consequences

Political Ponerology - A Must Read!

2010-01-31T10:35:00.003-07:00

The presence or absence of concience is a deep human division, arguably more significant than intelligence, race or even gender.

-Laura Knight-Jadczyk Editor of Political Ponerology by Andrew M. Lobaczewski

Game Theory, Evolution and Pathologicals

2010-01-25T12:27:00.002-07:00

Game Theory article on lovefraud.com

Psychopathy as evolutionary niche pdf article

The sociobiology of sociopathy article.

Haiku sent by a Fellow Traveler

2010-01-18T14:12:00.004-07:00

My storehouse having burnt down, nothing obscures my view of the bright moon.

-Japanese Haiku author unknown

Resistance is Futile

2010-01-13T16:16:00.007-07:00

This retreat has solidified all of what I’ve come to know to be true about recovering from a pathological relationship. While differing in specifics for each fellow traveler the process shares some essential qualities. One of these is the absolute need to purge the poison of evil we’ve consumed during our victimization. The nausea that our awakening brings causes us to vomit all of the gory details of what our respective pathologicals did to us. * Luckily I had O to help me through my purging. She had a vested interest in my healing process since we share the same psychopath. Most of us don’t have that luxury or even the luxury of having someone around who understands at all. Those of us who find avenues (though I’m not sure there are any others) like the retreat I’m attending find, perhaps for the first time, other survivors and an opportunity to share our stories and purge, purge, purge. **

For the past year I’ve been politely purging on this blog and rudely vomiting on my friends and family to the point of alienating them. I think I’m almost done with that part of my healing process, and am very glad. It feels remarkably like the sensation of relief one feels after actually physically vomiting as the nausea subsides and you pray that was the last time for a while.

Of the many insights I’ve gained during the course of this retreat there is one in particular I think will serve me the most afterward. That is that no matter what specific things our specific pathological did to us (and they are remarkably the same) the end result is the same. Inevitable harm by an incurable psychopath. Focusing on the minutia of what happened keeps alive the illusion that we can somehow figure out a way to avoid evil. But we can’t. And it is that fact… that evil exists, that it has always existed and that it will continue to exist until the end of the world… that each of us is resisting with our entire being.

I have spent my entire life struggling to eliminate “evil” in some form. Whether the evil of capitalists, war, misogyny, racism or whatever; I believed that human beings are ALL inherently good and can, therefore figure out a way to live in peace. This was the fundamental belief that I have lost. For other fellow travelers it is a fundamental shift in how they view God or whatever belief system they have in place. What is common to all these belief systems is a stubborn refusal to accept that evil exists, has always existed and will always exist until the end of the world and that there is absolutely NOTHING we can do to eliminate it. Resisting the acceptance of this reality is futile. The misalignment I feel is the final vestiges of the cognitive dissonance that defines a relationship with a pathological. We as normal people have been trying to reconcile being with resident evil while denying its existence. Continuing to try to understand why a pathological did this to me is an attempt to find a solution where there is none. It did it because that's what psychopaths do and there is NO changing that.

As a philosopher I have studied these questions in great depth, but have struggled tooth and nail to resist the seemingly pessimistic view that human beings are not redeemable as a species. My whole cloth rejection of Existentialism and Post Modernism is the most obvious example of this resistance. My guess is that if any of my philosophy professors are reading this they are probably smiling. I hope one day to smile about it too, but I'm feeling pretty pessimistic at the moment.

Love and hugs, Laura

*There are lots or reasons why and how this happens, e.g. PTSD symptoms, brain chemistry, etc. I highly recommend reading Women Who Love Psychopaths: Inside the Relationships of Inevitable Harm by Sandra Brown.

**Thank you Sandra Brown and the Institute for Relational Harm Reduction, for providing this safe space.

It Won with a 49

2010-01-11T20:38:00.005-07:00

I am currently attending a retreat for survivors of a pathological relationship given by Sandra Brown entitled Healing the Aftermath of Pathological Love Relationships. Sandra is a cutting edge leader working on helping survivors of psychopathic love relationships. She is the author of several books including, Women Who Love Psychopaths - Inside Relationships of Inevitable Harm. Attending this workshop is a gift I wish all survivors could receive. Today was the first day of the five day retreat. Although I was going to wait until after the entire event was over to blog about it I decided to write this post in advance while it's still fresh in my mind. I'm emotionally drained and very tired, so I don't plan on editing this. My apologies for typos or lack of clarity in this post....

Robert Hare is well known in the field of psychology as the leading expert on psychopathy who developed the first standardized test for psychopathy. His work has been primarily with convicted criminals, but the test has proven to be accurate in measuring psychopaths who remain under the legal radar. His tests include a psychopathy checklist test for those involved with psychopaths. This makes perfect sense since accurately testing psychopaths themselves is virtually impossible since part of psychopathy is pathological lying.

From Wickipedia:

PCL-R Model of psychopathy

The PCL-R is a clinical rating scale (rated by a psychologist or other professional) of 20 items. Each of the items in the PCL-R is scored on a three-point scale according to specific criteria through file information and a semi-structured interview. A value of 0 is assigned if the item does not apply, 1 if it applies somewhat, and 2 if it fully applies. In addition to lifestyle and criminal behavior the checklist assesses glib and superficial charm, grandiosity, need for stimulation, pathological lying, conning and manipulating, lack of remorse, callousness, poor behavioral controls, impulsivity, irresponsibility, failure to accept responsibility for one's own actions and so forth. The scores are used to predict risk for criminal re-offence and probability of rehabilitation.

The current edition of the PCL-R officially lists four factors (1.a, 1.b, 2.a, and 2.b), which summarize the 20 assessed areas via factor analysis. The previous edition of the PCL-R^[4] listed two factors. Factor 1 is labelled "selfish, callous and remorseless use of others". Factor 2 is labelled as "chronically unstable, antisocial and socially deviant lifestyle". There is a high risk of recidivism and currently small likelihood of rehabilitation for those who are labelled as having "psychopathy" on the basis of the PCL-R ratings in the manual for the test, although treatment research is ongoing.

PCL-R Factors 1a and 1b are correlated with narcissistic personality disorder and histrionic personality disorder. It is associated with extroversion and positive affect. Factor 1, the so-called core personality traits of psychopathy, may even be beneficial for the psychopath (in terms of nondeviant social functioning).

PCL-R Factor 2a and 2b are particularly strongly correlated to antisocial personality disorder and criminality and is associated with reactive anger, criminality, and impulsive violence. The target group for the PCL-R is convicted criminals. The quality of ratings may depend on how much background information is available and whether the person rated is honest and forthright.

I have known about this test for some time, but have (subconsciously) avoided taking it. Last night when Sandra announced we would be taking it, my first reaction was to fear that It would rate below the cut off level for psychopathy. This is a normal reaction given the nature of pathological abuse and victims' proclivity toward minimizing their abusers behavior and even though I am aware of that reality still wondered how It would "measure up."

After listening to the introduction stories of the four fellow travelers who are also retreating I was fairly sure It would fall below the men that these women were describing. I decided that I would approach the test as openly and objectively as I could, not awarding It any leniency based on the "good" times nor condemning it unfairly. After all, I really want to know what the hell happened to me and this is a useful tool.

Surprising to me -- but not to anyone else I know -- It not only tested fairly high on scale, but was higher than my fellow traveler's pathologicals with a 49 out of 60 (30 being the cut-off.)

This knowledge is both validating and unsettling. It seems that even with all of the research I've done and distance I've gained I am still minimizing It's pathology and what happened to me. This test validated my experience in a very tangible way. But it also made me even more grateful than ever that I was able to escape as quickly as I did. This man IS dangerous. VERY dangerous. For whatever reasons it may not be acting out now, but it is capable of so much more than even the unspeakable damage it has already done to those around It.

One thing is a given, It is, by definition, incapable of changing or even improving. It will continue to damage and destroy all who come in close contact with it. Knowing that someone is a psychopath isn't enough. Case in point - Hare, like other mental health professionals, was consistently taken in by his inmate patients knowing full well who he was dealing with. No one is immune... the only real safety is in NO contact. I pray for the safety of all those who come in contact with It.

Love and hugs, Laura

Another GREAT lovefraud article from Kathleen Hawk; "Comfort and Joy

2009-12-29T19:23:00.002-07:00

Part 15 of the "After the Sociopath - How do we heal series. It never stops amazing me how similar our stories and healing processes are. Excerpt:

"Because the challenge is threatening, because it makes us question ourselves and what we know, the first part of the learning seems like recognition of evil in the world. Sociopaths seem to be dark messengers, informing us that our love, goodness and hope cannot triumph over their selfishness, greed and senseless destruction. But in time, we come to realize that this lesson is not really about evil at all, but despair."

Love and hugs, Laura

Emily Saved My Life

2009-12-24T09:34:00.024-07:00

Several of my recent posts have paved the way for me to finally get around to writing this one, a post which is long over due and one that I've thought about writing many times over the past year. I've hesitated writing it for several reasons. First, it is almost impossible to tell this story without a solid understanding of the events that led up to it without it sounding as if It was somehow justified in doing what It did. Funny, as I typed that last sentence I realized that there is NO way It could be justified and that my prior hesitation was based on self-blame, the most debilitating kind of victim blaming. It's definitely time for this post.

When I separated from my first husband I was in a solid position to start a brand new life. I was finishing up graduate course work and preparing to write a thesis. I had a successful business teaching martial arts and self-defense for women and girls. I had recently published a book, Training Women in the Martial Arts: A Special Journey. I had a solid five figures in my bank account and no debt. I had a close network of friends and lived in a community who loved and respected me. My goal was to finish my course work and then begin thinking about opening a school and applying for a Women's Studies teaching position in Arizona, Colorado or New Mexico when the time was right.

After It, I still have the book and I made it out west.

But I also have Emily. Emily is a 48 pound Portuguese Water Dog, who saved my life....

When Oliver died I felt as if I had lost the very last part of who I was and the dreams I had dreamed before meeting It. At the time I thought I had given them over to the man of my dreams. But, of course, I had actually been robbed of them by a sociopath. When I look back it's clear to me that there was always a small part at the core of my being that knew what was happening. It was the part that prevented me from investing too much in a life with It. For example I resisted starting a career and making close friends in Saratoga. In fact I resisted anything that resembled planting roots there. Somehow I knew It was temporary and was going to come crashing down around me. It was only a matter of how and when.

Life with a sociopath is filled with thousands of emotional paper cuts that leave you bleeding and drained. Some of them become infected and fester, others are kissed and salved by the sociopath. This is the dynamic that creates a bond much like experienced by those victimized in the Stockholm bank hostage incident for which The Stockholm Syndrome is named. Paper cuts hurt! Sometimes it's all we can do to focus on anything else with a fresh paper cut. Imagine having thousands of them. When someone helps relieve the pain we are grateful; EVEN if they are the one who cut us in the first place. The more cuts the less able we are to heal. Some get infected. Others scar over. We get used to the pain and long for whatever relief is available.

In the midst of it all I decided my life felt incomplete without a canine friend. Over the years I had been told by several close friends that the Portuguese Water Dog would be the perfect breed of dog for me given my tastes and lifestyle. In spite of It's objections, and after a great deal of deliberation (mostly about the problems I'd face with It) I decided to find a breeder and adopt a Portie. I adopted Emily in June of 08.

My dogs have always been my kids, i.e. members of the family. I've always permitted them in the bed to sleep with me and have treated them as if they were almost human. Though It liked Emily (It found her to be a fabulous status symbol, especially when the Obama family started discussing adopting one) and treated her kindly for the most part, Emily was never allowed in the bed and spent a lot of time in her crate. She did join us on camping trips and really enjoyed swimming in Lake George etc, but I had to buy Emily her own tent as she was not permitted to sleep in the same tent with us. That tent cost a pretty penny and was deliberately destroyed by It while It was packing my things (a story for another time.)

I felt awful about Emily being sent so often to her crate, but since that was what she knew I dealt with it and rationalized that it was just one of the kind of compromises made in any relationship. What I didn't realize was that Emily was nourishing my core being and would end up being my wake up call.

As time went on I began to soothe my paper cuts with alcohol and marijuanna. Before It, I drank only on occasion and hadn't been in the presence of pot since high school (with the exception of once on a trip to Europe.) My self-esteem was in the toilet. I was too fat ( 5'5" - 135 solid muscle), not pretty enough, not feminine enough, not young enough and on and on. I went from being a feminist who spoke out publicly about violence against women and body issues and who was openly and vehemently opposed to cosmetics, to a woman considering plastic surgery and any other means to please It. After a skiing accident, followed by surgery and a blood clot which forced me to close my martial arts school in PA I was alone in It's world and began spiraling downward more quickly.

After several breakups and reconciliations I moved into It's house in October of 2008. I later found out that the only reason It reconciled with me was that It wanted my help moving, paying rent, and cleaning house. By that time I was aware that It has NPD and was trying to get It into therapy (I believed they could be cured at that time!). Things were unraveling at that point faster than I could cope with and I began to abuse alcohol like there was no tomorrow.

Each November 1st there is a huge pagan festival in Saratoga called Wickerman. It and I attended Wickerman in 07 and had a beautiful time. It was attentive and charming. We danced, ate, drank and enjoyed the event. The 08 Wickerman festival proved to be the exact opposite and the end of the road. Over the last several months of our relationship It became increasingly aloof and inattentive. It spent more and more time chatting on line, at work and less and less time with me. It became more and more openly critical and abusive. When we were out, including at a concert on our anniversary, It would wander off and leave me alone. It would especially like to do this when we were at places where I didn't know any one.

The night of the 08 Wickerman was seasonably cold for upstate NY. This year we took It's son and Emily to the event with us. In contrast to the previous year It wandered off the moment we got there and avoided me at every turn. I tried unsuccessfully to tell it how I was feeling an to find some folks to hang out with. I ended up standing around alone. I started drinking beer and later switched to wine trying to escape how desperately lonely and frightened I was that I had moved in with a man who was completely uninterested in my feelings. I became very intoxicated and got very sick on the way home. It had to pull over several times for me to vomit.

It's new house was literally in the middle of nowhere. When we reached the house it was hitting freezing temperatures. It pulled in the driveway and I got out to vomit again. I passed out in the driveway. When I came to, I realized I had somehow gotten to my car and pulled out a sleeping bag that I kept in it. I had no idea how long I was out for or how I managed to get the sleeping bag. I do know that without it I might have frozen to death. I looked over at the side door and saw Emily (who was only 7 months old) laying on her bed that I put in It's car for her. She wasn't tied up and her bed was covered in frost. She was shivering. I wrapped her up in my arms to try and warm her. I found that It hadn't locked the door, but It made no effort to insure Emily or my safety. I took Emily inside to her crate and held her for a while. I promised her we would get out.

I went to the bedroom to find It sleeping peacefully. I woke It and simply said, "I guess you want me to leave." It replied, "Yes." I laid down and tried to sleep.

There is so much more I could add to this story, but it's impossible to really convey the darkness and emptiness I felt. What I remember most is that my awakening enabled me to see a dark emptiness in It's gaze. A gaze I once saw intense attentiveness in. I read somewhere that sociopaths have the ability to look at you like no one else can and it is true. In the beginning they are exciting and it seems like they are looking deeply into you. In a way they are. They are studying you. But that same empty stare that once seemed so affectionate becomes terrifying once they've used you up. That's what I was finally able to see after that night.

It's not uncommon for an abused woman to stay in an abusive relationship as long as the abuse is confined to her. Once he starts abusing her children she will often wake up and take measures to get out. Emily saved my life. I got out for the love of Emily.

It's last words to me, as It looked at Emily waiting patiently for me in my car, were, "Look at your beautiful dog." As I drove away I thought to myself... No one will ever hurt my girl again. She will always be permitted in my bed no matter who else is sleeping there. She is my best friend and my Angel. Emily and I are living our dream in AZ where we are both respected and well loved. Although we share out lives with two other dogs, Emily will always be my most special girl. My beautiful Portuguese Water Dog who saved my life.

Thank you Emily for saving my life. Mommy loves you!

“Why is this so hard for us mentally?” - Another great article by Liam Leedom MD on lovefraud.com

2009-12-19T15:39:00.001-07:00

Excerpt: ..."At the beginning of a relationship, sociopaths determine what a victim’s most sacred dreams are. They then proceed to convince the victim that they are the answer to those dreams. Victims often feel that the sociopath is their dream come true, not realizing that they told the sociopath their dreams and the sociopath then used the information to deceive. No one wants to give up his/her most sacred dream. Sociopaths know this and count on it. This fact makes victims enter a state of denial in order to preserve the illusion that these dreams have come true. When that state of denial is finally broken, depression sets in. The depression is about a feeling of hopelessness that the things wanted most in life will never be achieved."

Love and hugs, Laura

Closing A Very Big Door (at an incalculable cost)

2009-12-18T19:47:00.004-07:00

Dear O…

It’s time for me to close a very big door. For the sake of my own healing process I’m asking that we cease contact as long as you remain entangled with It. As long as you’re in It’s web, contact with you is like breathing second hand smoke. Not as dangerous, but dangerous nevertheless, especially for an ex-smoker. Contact keeps me too close to the web. I need to be completely free.

I love you, and I love E*** more than you know. You will continue to be in my thoughts. I’m confident you will continue to find ways to cope. You are truly one of the strongest women I know.

I want to thank you for all of your kindness and love during my escape and recovery. I’m not sure I could have done it without you. When you are ready to escape I am available if you need me. Until then…

Love and hugs, l-

Requested Posting by my Ex-N/S's Ex-wife

2009-12-18T11:42:00.005-07:00

I, of course will publish this response at your request…. with my reply insertions. :)

Whew! Guess I hit a nerve. Your bluntness is appreciated but I think in your haste to publish you forgot some aspects of my situation in particular, and, in general, the reality that most people have to hold down jobs where they encounter N/P bosses and will become a liability on society or someone else if they just up and run away. Or, as in my case, they have children with N/Ps which puts them in an unbreakable parenting partnership for 15-20 years unless blood is shed.

Nope… no nerve. Just stuff I’ve been thinking for a while. I am working with an N co-worker at my job now and am planning to quit and find another one if she isn’t dealt with by the management. There is no unbreakable parenting situation, especially when there is abuse going on AND THERE IS ABUSE going on. Difficult to prove yes, but you have lots of documented evidence, witnesses and a diagnosis from a professional. At the very least you could fight for professionally supervised visitation, forced counseling etc.

I realize you cannot fully understand the shift a child creates, but one of the things I have valued in our friendship is that you have been the one person who seemed to truely understand just how much strength it takes for me to co-parent with It and forfeit my personal life in the process. Clearly your empathy on that front did not run as deep as I thought and/or you felt the need for a smackdown here. Since you publicly posted your point of view on my coping skills I hope you will be fair enough to your readers with children to publish this response.

I empathize completely with your pain. In fact my intention in this dialogue is to help alleviate it. In coming in contact with other survivors with children AND knowing Moms in other kinds of abusive situations I know it is possible (albeit VERY difficult) to get out. My empathy is what makes me want to see an end to the abuse. Where we conflict is our view of the situation. I don’t believe you are co-parenting. He is not parenting, he is abusing and damaging you and your son. I lived with him for a year and spent a lot of time with him while he was “parenting” your son. No divorced couple engages with each other in the way that you two do (weekly dinners in your home, holidays spent as a family) let alone with a pathological ex. What It calls co-parenting, and demands with threat of reprisal is designed to keep you deeply entangled in his web.

Of course you are correct that all victims should RUN from narcissists & sociopaths and maintain NO CONTACT in order to thrive. I told you that the minute you saw the real It and you've read it over and over in your research. However, you've also read and forwarded to me plenty of info on how to cope with a pathological if you can't run (i.e. "The Wizard of Oz and Other Narcissists").

Yes. And that’s what I meant by support. I wholly agree with the feminist shelter movement that we must always support a victim’s choices and you know that I think you’re amazing (how many times have I said you are the strongest woman I know?!) But ultimately there is no can’t… definitely more you CAN DO in your situation. You’re financially solvent. You have a network of friends for support and buckets of evidence that you are dealing with a sociopath. There is no reason on earth that this man should have so much control over your life and be allowed to continue damaging that boy.

If I follow your well-meaning, simplistic advice to RUN, my son will end up living with his narcissiopathic father fulltime with no reprive, validation or actual love as I will be serving jail time for kidnapping.

That’s the fear he’s nurtured in you. I know you’ve done general research, but have you checked into all of your options and rights with an attorney specializing in this area? With the women’s shelter? A therapist?

I'm assuming you were not suggesting that I run and leave my child behind. Even if I could convince my little boy that he is being abused because mommy is not being respected and he is being used for supply (have fun explaining "supply" to a child), I could not find a court who would grant me sole custody on the basis of invisible abuse. I have read the legal blogs on lovefraud.com etc and my situation would be laughed out of court. My support check arrives on time, the father never misses a frequent and fun-filled visit, the child returns bubbling with joy at the great time he's just had and there are no visible bruises.

Yes… all GIGANTIC challenges. But there is so much more information available on invisible bruises and so many more avenues for victims to utilize now. And of course I wasn’t suggesting you leave your son behind. But there is absolutely a way to limit the hours It spends alone with him and end the hours YOU are spending with It. It misses visits when it’s convenient for It. We know that. We also know that the less compliant your son becomes the less bubbly will be the times with Dad. I watched your son scramble for entire weekends trying to please It. We both know that It can be a fun playmate and yes that poses a HUGE challenge, but I maintain that no amount of fun trips and outings are worth the damage that is being done. This is where we’ve always disagreed.

You know that I know there is irreparable damage being done to my son by his N/P father under the surface. You know that I have a thorough understanding of what's happening to him and it sickens me and breaks my heart more than words can convey. I guess hitting me over the head with it was helpful to you in some way even if it wasn't kind. For the record, you did not enlighten me here. I'm fully aware that my son's father is deeply emotionally ill and therefore an abusive user (evil, if you prefer that term) and that it is very damaging for my child to be around him, but you offer no responsible, viable option for how I'm suppose to keep the boy away from his father.

I’m sorry if you think it was unkind. It of course wasn’t meant to be and it in no way serves any purpose for me other than presenting a perspective from outside of It’s web, having been in it . A perspective you haven’t been able to see since you started dating It. I know you know, but I also know a lot more now about how a pathological keeps victims in a state of constant fear and anxiety. It’s part of what makes us stay (in whatever capacity) and comply to their wills. Just as it was impossible for me to think clearly while I was caught in It’s web I am suggesting that there is more that you can do than you’re allowing yourself to consider because you are still being manipulated.

Running away is the ideal situation and all victims without children should definitely make every effort to do so, but it really isn't a realistic option for those of us who need to earn a living and have to provide support and security for a child enrolled in school. And, yes, all therapists will tell me that my only option for a real life with happiness is to get completely away from It while at the same time all say that I cannot demean the father to the son and I cannot legally take the child from the father.

Given that you can’t legally take the child you legally limit It’s contact and you protect yourself with no contact. Because there are no legal constraints on It, It has manipulated your life in order to maintain It’s fantasy family, including frequent family dinners cooked by you, family outings to film openings, fireworks displays and GrandIt’s house and mandatory holiday dinners. I agree there is no way you’ll be able to ban It from your son at this point. But there IS so much more you can do to protect the both of you from damage. I’m suggesting your fear is preventing you from doing that.

There is no way it is appropriate for me to tell a 9-year-old that his father doesn't really love him. That will not square up right now with what he regularly experiences. I can move across the country; the result being that my son will spend half the year living with his father and half living with me. All the therapists also say that bouncing around is bad for the kid and all agree that the less time the child spends with the father the better.

Those aren’t the only options. A good therapist , who is well versed in sociopathy and PTSD can help your son understand what It is and isn’t capable of in a way that is appropriate to his age and square up with his experience. NO need to move, but certainly no need to continue as a family. Yes the less time with It the better. What we need to keep in mind is that most of the advice that’s out there about what is good for kids in divorces is based on kids of normal divorced parents, not of sociopathic fathers. Let’s look at it this way… if It were a child molester, serial murderer (Ted Bundy was fun too!), or drug dealer would that advice apply. NO! Well, YOU KNOW that most sociopaths stay below the legal radar, but it doesn’t make the damage they inflict any less damaging. What I’m saying is you can’t think about your situation as if it is a normal divorce. That’s It’s story. It loves to brag about how it is co-parenting and how cool and close you two are. It calls you It’s best friend!!!

Well, the only legal way for him to spend less time with his father is for him to live with me in a stable environment (i.e. home with paid mortgage in one place, consistent schooling, actual love and boundaries from mom) and visit Dad for short periods of time (in my case, an average of 30 hours a week including sleep overs). Is that too time much given the pathology? Of course it is, but it is the least I can get away with legally and any chess move I make will only increase the time the kid spends with Daddy. If you see a move I have that I can't see, by all means please advise.

Again I hear fear talking here. Is it warranted? To some extent possibly, but I do see moves. Lots of them . First putting an end to the fantasy family. How confusing for a child to see his divorced family try to act like a united family, especially when that’s what he wants more than anything. The more the fantasy is built up the harder it will be when it comes crashing down around him. That means no more holidays, in your home visits etc.

I also want to point out that lots of kids do fabulously who have moved around from state to state apartment to apartment with one or both parents. Kids are very resilient and very few kids have the kind of Leave It to Beaver stability that is the Itman fantasy life. Kids need REAL love and genuine bonding more than the best house and school district. Your son is entrenched in a life that is a lie. A lie that is composed, orchestrated and conducted by It.

I completely agree with your point of view if it was all just about me. In your world it really is just all about you. You do not have a child to think about and focusing as much time as you like on your pain and alleviating it is an option for you. That is not my situation as you well know. I have to make having the N/P in my child's life work in the most pleasant way possible while mitigating the damage with validation and all the other tools my knowledge gives me. Judge away from over there, because I know for sure that I'm doing everything I possiblity can to keep my son and I as healthy as is feasible given the reality of our circumstances and I just have to live with the rest of it like anyone who has a handicap.

Yes. I am judging. Remember that I am the first person who has been caught in It’s web and seen from the inside what is happening to your son AND who has escaped AND who is in a position to give you that perspective. I am thinking about your son and I am considering what I would do if I were in your shoes with It’s child… something you know I once longed for with GREAT envy. I love your son. I bonded with him. I miss him. I hate what’s happening to both of you with all of my being. I have also talked to other mothers who are survivors. There is more than one view here. The fact that I don’t have a child is irrelevant.

I've been at this for 8 years and I have not made the decisions and choices I have in my own little vacumn. Not a year has gone by that I have not distanced myself more and more from It, the holidays and mixed visitation the older my son gets. There has been a lot of changes in how I handle many aspects of things since you left and I have absorbed the retribution dished out by the Its without blinking. I think you are forgetting that I allowed myself to be included in group things more often when you were on the scene as I enjoyed your company and having the 4th person made it seem less like I was his wife and more like we were just a group of people who all cared about the kid. I will not be repeating that mistake, but that was my thinking at the time as you and I have discussed. The way you are remembering how I move through the holidays is not how it's done without you and less and less how it's done with each passing year as my son gains age and understanding.

YAY!!! I hope this trend continues and the pace quickens! And I enjoyed my time with you as well as you know. :)

It really is ridiculous to think I can just tell It and the grandmother to their face that they are sick Ns and think that they will sculk away and leave me and my son alone if only I had the balls to call them out. Seriously, Laura, you know that I can scream it in their face and they will just grow a new skin in 5 minutes and go about their next purpose. The only result will be that my son will experience hostility and fighting and my energy will be further drained.

I’m really not trying to oversimplify how incredibly difficult your life is and has been. I know it has. Nor am I oversimplifying how extraordinarily difficult it will be to change the situation from what it is. Nor does what I meant by “coming out” mean screaming in their faces. What I mean is letting others know exactly what It is officially, with a therapist, the women’s shelter. REPORT the abuse! And what I’m suggesting is working QUICKLY toward NO contact for you. Figuring out a way to mediate and protect the child WITHOUT succumbing to the fantasy life. There are agencies and people out there who are able to clearly see the invisible bruises and who call a sociopath a sociopath. Not suggesting they’ll be easy to find, but they’re out there and they can help.

There will absolutely be a time to name it for what It is to my son, but 9-years-old isn't it. I know for sure that bad-mouthing his father will get me the opposite of what I want for my son. He will loathe me for telling him the horrible truth. He, just like the girlfriends, must experience It revealed before I can say much of anything. I do not sugar coat the It's behavior and when my son experiences the rants, selfishness and entitlement, I make sure he knows the label for it and that I don't respect that behavior. You're suggesting I inform my child that his father and grandmother are evil and he must never see them again. I know for sure that doing so would cause another kind of damage. I'd rather not be his abuser.

I agree and we’ve discussed this. I LOVE LOVE LOVE the devices you come up with to help your son unpack what’s happening to him without badmouthing It. What I am suggesting is that there are ways to help him understand the reality without playing into the fantasy AND without becoming the bad guy. A good therapist can help you do that.

Here’s a thought. Find a counselor trained in sociopathy and start going regularly with your son. (If money is an issue demand it from It. It’s HEALTHCARE for your son!) Then demand that his father attend sessions periodically. Of course It will try to refuse, but if It really wants to maintain the mask of normalcy It will have to consider going for the benefit of the child. This will help your son and you cope while building up a stronger arsenal for future battles.

You reference that one of the first girls on the scene after my divorce asked to meet with me which you suggest was my que to warn her. She was asking the right questions for what she knew at the time and I answered her in full and then some. She left the meeting and discussed my comments with It who then learned to not facilitate private meetings with the girlfriends and me after screaming at me for "filling her head with my poison." She ended up leaving It a year later when she had a belly full. Nothing I said caused her to leave until she experienced him in full, but my telling her he was untrustworthy had the affect of limiting my ability to drop clues to the future victims.

Did you say NPD? Abuse? Sociopathy? I remember you telling me how guarded and careful you were with your answers for fear of retribution. Honestly, if you had asked me to look up NPD or sociopathy when we met I would have taken you very seriously. I understand your hesitation, but I think you underestimate the power that’s behind an accurate label. I also think you underestimate how much women watch each other’s backs. We take each other’s experiences very seriously. Not always, but usually.

I have to say that I'm more than a little suprised by your black & white approach to what I thought you understood was a very complex issue. You are clearly angry with me for not warning you, but even your own friends couldn't talk sense into you at the time. I tried to point out that it was crazy for you to commute to school from NY to PA, etc., and you would hear none of it. I'm sure you thought at the time that I was just trying to keep you away from him. How was I suppose to warn you when you were being told by the love of your life that I was a jealous crazy woman? You are out of control to publicly criticize me about not saving his other victims when we've been over this many times and you know full well that neither you or any other girl will listen to my warnings until she's seen under his skin. You can certainly argue that he uses me to enable his abuse, but my focus has to be on what is best for my kid and not on saving people who are not of a mind to be saved when they are under his spell.

No, I am not angry with you for not warning me. And I am not criticizing you for not warning It’s other victims. I understand fear, especially the fear of his retribution. And it’s not your/our job. What I am suggesting is that you aren’t acknowledging the reason for not being more forthcoming, i.e. fear.

My own friends NEVER met It. My therapist at the time told me that the relationship sounded extremely healthy and like it was the first time I had ever experienced REAL intimacy. (How good is his ability to mimic when it’s even translated third party!!!) That was the picture they got. My friends started to see the changes in me much later. It was when Ty said “I don’t know who the fuck you are any more” that I partially woke up!! No, I didn’t think you were trying to keep me away from It. I trusted you from the beginning. The reality was that I was commuting the same distance either way, living up there or in Central PA. Your argument for me not moving up there wasn’t applicable.

I could not be happier that you were free to run and are building a new life in AZ. I don't want to see the massive effort to accomplish that tossed aside with the beer bottle.

You know I was abusing alcohol like crazy when I was with It. I even smoked pot with It (Another abuse It is often high when “parenting” and driving your son around.) Astonishing really. I went from an almost total Tea-totaller to drinking almost every day. I drank to escape the pain It was inflicting on me, and to be quite honest, I think I knew that it would end up pissing It off to the point of no return. The irony is that my self-destructive behavior was actually self-preservation.

I like good beer. I don’t abuse it any more. I rarely drink to escape now (excepting a less and less frequent trigger episode) because I have escaped. But I still like beer. :)

My point, said with love, was that you might want to consider adding some other layers in your life as what I'm hearing from you (I'm particularly thinking of your 1st anniversary blog and a phone conversation we had last month) is that you are not happy with your weight and how it's making you feel and that is connected to medicating your pain with junk food and beer.

Without chronicling my daily diet, there is no junk food in it. Yep I still drink a beer when I get home and sometimes with dinner. I also drink a beer after a really hard ride. My weight gain happened primarily during the first three months of healing. (Yep medication) My high blood pressure and depression kept me much less active for the last year. My life here is actually becoming very rich. I’m developing a network of friends, I have a job. I’m slowly regaining focus enough to work on my thesis. I’m in a wonderfully healthy relationship with an amazing man. I ride almost every day now and have three wonderful four pawed kids. All that I ever wanted… yes tainted with PTSD and all that comes with it. But I’m doing everything possible to get better. I’m in therapy. I’m reading, going on a retreat. Hypnosis, EMDR…And maintaining no contact.

I know that ONE of the pieces of the healing pie is being occupied/distracted with tasks that add to your life. I completely understand that you get high on helping other victims and validated in therapy and research and those are also important parts of the pie too.

Blogging and helping doesn’t get me high. In fact it pains me. I just wrote another e-mail to someone asking for my help explaining that I am not qualified and sending links to available options. Yes it is validating to be in contact with so many other survivors, but it is also very saddening to know just how many of us there are.

I was merely suggesting that you can't have healing without the whole pie and spending the bulk of your time with your mind and energy focused on NPD and other forms of victimizaton cannot be a good thing. As with everything in life, it is not balanced. I believe my exact words were along the lines of next year how 'bout adding some time focusing on your career, sports and home. I never suggested you stop therapy or stop helping others with all the expertise you have gathered over this last year or that making the decision to treat yourself different was easy.

Remember that my career BI demanded I spend the bulk of my time with my mind and energy focused on forms of victimization. That’s what I mean by my background and why I feel obligated to continue the work.

Also, consider that you and I spend most of our time talking about NPD. Gives you a pretty one-sided view of my life. I wish you lived closer so you could come hiking with me and the family. We could go out for beer afterward. ;D

You have all the ingredients for the best Christmas you've had in several years, and I truly hope you have a wonderful time and savour it. Love, O

Will do!

Love you (and the child) too! l-

Choices and Free Will: A Letter to my ex N/S's exwife

2009-12-17T12:16:00.013-07:00

The following was written to my exN/S's ex-wife as part of an ongoing discussion. I have removed identifying information for her (and her son's protection). I'm posting it here because I think it may be useful to fellow travelers. Love and Hugs, Laura

Hi,

Glad you and "your son" liked the card. Seeing cactus decorated in lights is really odd (and beautiful!) I realized this will be the first winter of my life that I most likely won’t wake up to a blanket of snow and I’m surprised and a little sad about that to tell you the truth.

I’m glad all my hard work has given you some new insights and coping tools. .I am moving forward with the help of very knowledgeable experts, who all agree you simply can’t just will your mind to recover from a pathological relationship. It’s not simply a choice. The trauma pathologicals inflict on their victims, including you and your son, creates a specific kind of neuro pathway that has to be torn down and rebuilt in order to heal. That does require a kind of reprogramming by way of positive thinking and focusing elsewhere, but it requires much more. Refocusing alone isn’t enough. Further, it can’t be accomplished while you’re still in the grips of a pathological. If you’ve watched I Psychopath – think about his wife. She thinks she’s coping well. Is she? If you listen to her she’s reframed EVERYTHING… She goes so far to claim that she actually DOESN’T NEED LOVE!!!! Coping is not healing.

I know that all of your advice comes from a place of love AND from understanding and experience. But the more I think about it the more I realize that, in most ways, I'm miles ahead of you in the healing process because I'm not in the web and am no longer being victimized. No matter how you frame it you will continue to be victimized as long as you choose to engage with him. Our experiences necessarily overlap, but I’ve come to realize that while you lost the fantasy life that was It (D.I) and continue to give up so much because of It (A.I), I gave up more in terms of my life before it (BI). BI I had extremely high self esteem, a successful business, money, a network of friends I could bank my old age on, a career and was doing well in school. I lost it all. We can talk about accountability all day long, and yes I chose to go out on the first date with It, but no matter how much I want to reframe it and “take ownership” It methodically stripped away everything I had built up little by little. Yes, I’ve learned why I was attracted to It and can better avoid getting trapped again, but It stole my life from me, forcefully and deliberately, just as It continues to hold yours hostage.

Though they would support you, I don’t believe any of the psychologists or therapists I been in contact with or read would advise to keep allowing what you are allowing. While you’ve found ways to cope (just like Vaknin’s wife has) you will never be able to heal and have healthy relationships while you are still Mrs. It because, for all intents and purposes you are still It’s wife. The only thing missing is sex and a common house. Case in point, you spend every major holiday with It and GrandIt instead of with people who genuinely love you and your son. And you KNOW they don't and CANT love either of you. They are wholly incapable of it. I know for a fact that It thinks of you as his wife that he generously "shared" with me. No matter how you rationalize it your son is being harmed with every exposure to It and GrandIt. Yes you do great damage control, but he, and you, are still being damaged. The damage It does to your son simply isn’t worth any amount of ski lessons, camping trips, or financial bling. It is incapable of bonding with your son. He, like you and I, is simply a possession. It has bonded as much with It's car and skis. How is your son going to feel when he realizes the truth?

On the surface, as does everything about It, it looks fine. But there is nothing normal or appropriately parental about this man. This is a man who (along with countless other abuses) twice had sex with me in a motel room with your son in the next bed, yet to the outside world It moralized about not wanting your son to get the wrong idea about our being in a relationship. Hell It even drove me to (and paid for! :0) a motel a couple of months earlier rather than let me camp out BEHIND CLOSED DOORS in It’s bedroom with It while GrandIt was there. You can think that was an anomaly in my relationship with It, but ALL women It will be with will eventually 'allow' inappropriate behavior. If they don’t, they won't be with It for long. And inappropriate behavior and abuse will happen (and I suspect worsen over time) whether It is in a relationship or not. You’ll just be less likely to hear about it. In addition to skiing your son is learning how to treat women and manipulation techniques. He’s learning that while his Mom demands a modicum of respect she also cow tows and bends to a sociopath’s will. My choices landed me in a sorry state, which I’m crawling out of, but your "choices" are destroying your son and your life even with the damage control you struggle to maintain.

You often ask me to give you sources of advice for others who are in pathological relationships because I HAVE become a kind of expert on the subject. Your advice to me a year ago was to RUN and don’t look back. It’s my advice to you now, and no matter how you rationalize it being better for your son, it isn’t! You are choosing to stay in a damaging and destructive pathological relationship. Do you honestly think you are freely making choices now? It may feel like it, but it isn’t. It REALLY felt like I was freely moving to NY (and It repeatedly, and loudly insisted it WASN’T because of him) but the choice really wasn’t mine alone. I know that because I DID FREELY choose to move to Tucson which felt and feels very different. I regret nothing. The so-called "choices" I made to be with It left me with nothing and regretting everything. Do you really think you’re free? How will you choose to spend your next holiday? Will P*** (or any man) ever be allowed openly in your life? One thing I’ve learned is that when you’re caught in the pathological web, it is impossible not to acquire a skewed view of the world and take on some of their pathology. I’ve never said this before, but when you talk about the reasons for your choices you sound remarkably like It and GrandIt.

Because of my background and my writing skills I am in a unique position to help other survivors. Doing psychopathy education is an extremely healthy outlet for me. I believe this will especially be true once I’m a bit more recovered. It isn’t focusing on It. It’s focusing on my, and other survivors’ recovery, and prevention. Instead of letting It know that I know what It is… which I needed to do, and did, I choose to expose It to the world. That’s what takes away It’s power. Letting It know that you know what It is while allowing It to stay under the radar and manipulate you and your life doesn’t take away any of It’s power. In fact in some senses it gives It MORE power, i.e. “look, see she knows what I am and loves me and allows it anyway.” And yes It thinks you love It. And It knows you’re afraid to expose It and that It forces you to make choices that enable It’s abuse.

At least once a week a new survivor finds my blog and tells me how helpful it is for them. It has you so controlled you won't risk "coming out" under the guise of 'they won't listen’ or ‘I'll be punished". I’ve learned that they will listen. Maybe not right away, but eventually. Hell one of It’s victims even scheduled an appointment with you! She WANTED to know, but didn’t know what questions to ask! I care more about keeping them safe than I do about what It thinks. One who is not in It’s web cannot be punished. Doesn't your son have a right to know what his father is? And how he destroys people? Don't you wish someone had told you your mother was incapable of really loving you and it's not your fault? I do!! I wish someone would have protected me. Your son is suffering from a huge delusion that his father loves him. What happens when he learns that’s a big fat lie.

What are you really focusing on? Not just in your head, but in your actions? Your life? Your career? Your emotional health and well being? Nurturing genuine loving relationships for yourself and your son? Or is your life consumed with compromises damage control manipulation deceit and pain? Lots and lots of moms have escaped less abusive situations under much much harder circumstances. You can make a choice now. I know we disagree on this, but the fact that It is genetically related to your son is not a good enough reason to be held hostage. And you both are. Think Stockholm Syndrome.

After my retreat I expect to have gained enough tools to take a few more (and bigger) steps forward toward emotional freedom. You’re right. I am strong enough given the right tools. And you are too. But it can't be done while you’re still caught in the web. Run! Run for your and your son's life! Run!!!!! You are strong enough. You can do it!

With love and respect,

p.s. I’m ccing my therapist with this (your notes are deleted) and I’m going to post an edited version of this letter on my blog. I think others might find it useful.

Cylons and Sociopaths or I Dated a Toaster

2009-12-13T11:49:00.015-07:00

Recently I started rewatching the new Battlestar Galactica (BSG) series. I really love(d) this series during the three phases of my life - Before It (BI), During It (DI) and After It (AI). Each phase has brought a new appreciation for the sheer brilliance of the series.

I've always been a huge sci-fi fan ever since I first stepped on the bridge of Kirk's Enterprise, so my becoming a BSG geek was no surprise to anyone. It has all the right stuff, cool technology (in this instance a kind of retro steam-punk variety) great "aliens" and human heroes.

BI I was especially drawn to the treatment of women in the show, which is unprecedented on many levels save the second season feminization of Starbuck debacle. Women in this series do enjoy a kind of equality never before seen in sci-fi television, not even Voyager, which was a true landmark. In any case BSG fit my passion, my personality all of my political sensibilities at that time.

DI BSG became something we did together. It was intelligent and interested in all things geeky (not one of It's bad traits.) Discussing the nuances of the highly charged social, political, moral and metaphysical aspects of the show with It was intriguing. (It was not a fan of Starbuck-shocker huh?)

It has taken me a year to get to a place where watching the series doesn't trigger me. I am grateful that it was something I enjoyed BI making it a bit easier to come back to. I decided to share the series with John (my significant other) who shares my love of science fiction films. Since he hasn't seen any episodes we've started back from the beginning of the series. I'm also grateful I haven't seen the series conclusion and will be able to share that with John. But what's fascinating to me is a new parallel I've discovered in the series that I'm guessing my fellow travelers will also be able to see. Cylons are great metaphors for sociopaths.

Cylon (also spelled Kylon from Κύλων) was an Athenian associated with the first reliably dated event in Athenian history, the Cylonian affair. Cylons—from Cybernetic Lifeform Node—are a fictional race of sentient machines, created by humans. They were originally mechanical, but evolved to a biological form and are almost indistinguishable from humans. Since they were created by humans they consider themselves to be evolved from humans, superior to us and righteously indignant. But what they lack, and aim to acquire through their plan, is a human soul. They want to bond with humans, mate with them and create and advanced species of Human-Cylon DNA.

From that brief description the parallel becomes clear. They lack the capacity to bond, to truly love and feel empathy. This is what they most desire... sound familiar? Watching them struggle with their inadequacy while all the while claiming their superiority is at once pitiable and loathsome. Again... sound familiar?

Another interesting parallel is the reactions of humans who were unwittingly intimate with Cylons. When they find out they feel outraged, angry, hurt, duped...

Watching BSG now is much creepier than it ever was, but in a healthier way. Thinking of sociopaths as Cylons is a useful metaphor for me. It allows me to forgive them in some senses while keeping a sane emotional distance. If you like science fiction and haven't yet checked out this series, do so. It's worth it no matter what stage you're in.

Love and hugs, Laura

Another insightful Lovefraud.com article

2009-12-06T18:44:00.002-07:00

This article offers insight into how it is possible for sociopaths to hook normal healthy women and keep them hooked.

Excerpt: " Sociopaths and psychopaths are con artists. They entice others to form attachments to them through deception and trickery. The problem is that our unconscious minds do not distinguish between attachments made after deception and those made legitimately. Furthermore, the anxiety psychopaths create in their victims only serves to strengthen attachment!"

Love and hugs, Laura

Patrick Stewert speaking out against Domestic Violence

2009-12-05T21:38:00.001-07:00

Of course his father was not necessarily a sociopath, but this is an important video nonetheless.

love and hugs, Laura

Sociopaths Exploiting Your Faith - Another great Steve Becker lovefraud.com article

2009-12-03T18:18:00.003-07:00

Sociopaths Exploiting Your Faith - Another great Steve Becker lovefraud.com article

Excerpt: "...what sociopaths and other exploiters prey upon—our faith—is what most of us are naturally inclined to give. We want to have faith in others. We want to believe that others will have our backs, not stab our backs in order to take something from us and then leave us, heartlessly, to grapple alone in confusion and despair.... "

love and hugs, Laura

2009-12-03T00:04:00.002-07:00

Faces of Sociopaths

2009-11-30T11:33:00.000-07:00

The Socialized Sociopath

2009-11-30T11:27:00.002-07:00

YouTube - sociopath

2009-11-30T11:24:00.000-07:00

YouTube - sociopath

A Holiday Message for Fellow Travelers from The Institute for Relational Harm Reduction

2009-11-29T10:54:00.003-07:00

Please check this out!

2009 Christmas Message

Happy Holidays!

hugs and love, Laura

One year later...

2009-11-21T10:15:00.007-07:00

I started this blog one year ago. Since then, so much as changed yet I am still imprisoned by a man who I haven't seen or spoken to in that time.

If I were to describe my external life I would say that I have everything I've ever wanted. I live in Tucson AZ (a long time dream of mine) in a beautiful house in the foothills of mountains with some of the finest singletrack in the world and two kick-ass bikes to ride it with, a Jeep Wrangler to get to the trailheads and over 300 days of perfect riding weather each year.

I live with the most giving, loving and respectful man I've ever met and am Mom to three beautiful dogs and a sweet kitty. I have a father who loves me unconditionally and who assures me that I will never want for anything important. At the moment I have all the time in the world, good health insurance, enough money to live. I eat well and have a comfortable bed to sleep in at night.... so WTF? When am I going to feel good again? Will I ever be able to actually enjoy it?

My entire body hurts most of the time. I have high blood pressure and early onset menopause. I've gained thirty-five pounds. I have no energy. I can't focus and have no motivation to do anything. I cry at the drop of a hat and wonder when it will all be pulled out from under me. I hide in video games, food and beer and can't seem to sleep through the night because of continual nightmares. Though I feel no love for It at all any more and am more than happy to stay out of contact with It I am still plagued by thoughts and memories that intrude on every aspect of my life. I haven't had fifteen minutes free of It since I left.

Friends said give it time... just wait... a year from now it will all be different. Okay, it's different, but it's also the same. I'm tired. I just want to feel good again. I've done everything "right" in terms of self care. I've maintained no contact, I am regularly seeing a fantastic therapist who specializes in PTSD and sociopathy. I've developed a network of supportive friends and family. I journal in the form of this blog. I do a hypnosis CD every night. I've educated myself to the point of knowing more about sociopathy and narcissism than some PhD's in the field. I simply don't know what else I can do.

I'm still gaining weight, still crying at the drop of a hat, still waking up two or three times a night because of nightmares, still wondering about what It thinks and feels, still struggling to accomplish minimal everyday tasks let alone write the thesis I need to finish. I feel like giving up.... Though I win a few battles here and there I'm tired of the war. I'm out of strength and ideas.

One year later... better and worse in the aftermath of It.

love and hugs, Laura

Who I Was...

2009-11-20T20:22:00.001-07:00

I miss her...

Super Women With Super Traits: Victims of Sociopaths are GREAT Catches

2009-11-20T02:35:00.011-07:00

Tonight I listened to a lecture on the intensity of pathological relationships by Sandra Brown. This lecture helped me to revisit her book Women Who Love Psychopaths, which I've already highly recommended. In the first edition Sandra wrote:

"...before the psychopath landed in their lives, [their victims] were financially secure, had good self-esteem, goal direction and competitive attitudes." (p. 38)

This quotation begs the question of why we, a group of truly powerful women, are the most likely to end up in these abusive relationships. Sandra is at the forefront of studying sociopathology and is heading leading a phenomenal organization called Institute for Relational Harm Reduction (The Institute). Based on studies conducted by The Institute Sandra reports that women who end up in relationships with psychopaths test SIGNIFICANTLY higher (80-97%) than other women in several specific temperament traits (ingrained aspects of our personalities):

1. Relationship Rewards Sensitivity: When things go well and he is giving us positive feedback we are highly motivated. It also means that we are much more motivated by the positive aspects of the relationship to be very forgiving when things go awry. We respond much more strongly to the positive than to the negative in a relationship.

2. Relationship Investment: Relationships are VERY important to us. We are very relationship oriented.

3. Tolerance

4. Loyalty

5. Trustfulness

6. Hopefulness

7. Bonding

8. Cooperativeness

In discussing these common traits Sandra points out that they are all WONDERFUL, and are incredibly positive when in relationship with a NORMAL man. But in relationship with a sociopath they are used as weapons against us. So, the irony is that while our super traits make us so suitable for good relationships, they also make us much more vulnerable to pathological ones.

To all my fellow travelers who tire of the victim blaming and being told that there is something wrong with you that made you vulnerable to them, KNOW that what makes you vulnerable to them is exactly what is RIGHT about you. :D Indeed it makes sense for us to be more aware and vigilant of our super traits, but the only repair work we need was caused by them.

If you haven't checked out Sandra's work, please do so. So important in our healing process.

Love and hugs, Laura

Institute for Relational Harm Reduction

2009-11-20T02:24:00.002-07:00

If you can afford it... buy these CD's, DVD's, books and other materials. I can not recommend them more.

Minimizing and Blaming: A Coping Mechanism (Editid Post)

2009-11-16T09:46:00.003-07:00

A fellow traveler recently asked me if people I talk to about my victimization tend to minimize what happened. I answered her with a resounding, "Yes!" During that conversation we decided that unless you've been in a relationship with a sociopath it's impossible to understand. Though people want to help they simply don't know how to because they have no experience to refer to. Another aspect of this reaction is that sociopaths murder with thousands of paper cuts. Described individually none of them seem that bad and it's impossible to grasp the effect of a thousand of them at once unless you've experienced it.

But as I thought more and more about this I started to wonder why survivors also minimize the pathology and damage and why minimization feels like victim blaming. I realized that victim blaming (whether directed at the self or others) and minimization share an important characteristic. They help the minimizer/blamer to feel safe and in control.

It would seem that we, and those who care about us, wouldn't want to embrace this harmful logic. So why do we? Because it HELPS US to COPE. It is a "Not-Me" logic that asserts that what happened to you won't happen to me and if it did I won't be damaged by it because I am in control. It is the logic that sells self-defense courses that promise safety in a dangerous world.

Not-Me Logic: A Kind of Denial

The Not-Me logic behind victim blaming goes like this:

If I am in control it is possible for me to be safe regardless of what kinds of monsters are out there.
Since it IS possible to avoid being victimized by the monsters, there is something wrong with whoever falls prey to one.
If there is something wrong with victims I am safe because there isn't (or is no longer) anything wrong with me. Even if there is something wrong with me, I am in control so I can fix it and stay safe.

The Not-Me logic behind minimization is much more difficult to unpack, but it goes something like this:

Since there is something wrong with victims that landed them in a pathological relationship in the first place, what he did isn't as horrible as it seems.
Since what victims experience is the result of something being wrong with them, I am safe because there is nothing wrong with me, or I can fix what is and stay safe.

One of the many ironies of my relationship with It was It's fervent desire that I become like a sister to It's ex-wife. This was ironic because, more than anyone, she has the power to reveal what It is and yet It invites and encourages the relationship. It does so because like all sociopaths It has a strange kind of optimism that directs It's actions. But It also knows It ultimately wields power over It's ex-wife because they share a son and she is still deeply entangled in It's web and is not immune to It's pathological manipulation.

What's more ironic is that in the end we have become like sisters - "Sisters-In-It". Not only do we share the bond of being survivors of a sociopath, but of the same sociopath. This is an extremely important and valuable relationship and I love and respect her deeply. She is one of the strongest women I know. That said, we have had many disagreements about It's motivations, severity of pathology and my own responsibility for what happened.

Not-Me Logic Offers Comfort

I now believe that most of our disagreements stem from the fact that she feels trapped in a relationship with It for the sake of their son. (More irony...in the beginning of our relationship I went on and on about how much I envied her sharing a child with It. A fate I wouldn't wish on anyone now.) What I'm beginning to understand is that in order to cope with a very dangerous pathological relationship she MUST embrace a logic that says there is something wrong with me (and to some extent with her.) To do otherwise would force her to live in a constant state of fear for herself and her son. Believing that she has control over the situation allows for a modicum of peace within it. Because we know that sociopaths are capable of manipulating even the most learned and skilled experts, embracing a Not-Me logic acts as a kind of protective armor against the terror that would ensue otherwise.

Minimization of Pathology

Another discussion we recently had was regarding sociopaths' ability to bond with other human beings. All of the research indicates that while they can attach to others, they are wholly incapable of bonding with them. The attachments they form are much like our attachments with a favorite car or piece of jewelry. My Sister-In-It often minimizes the severity of It by calling him "mild" and refusing to use the term sociopath. He is, according to her, merely a narcissist -- bad yes, but not as bad as a sociopath. It seems that this sort of minimization allows her to let her son go off with a man who is incapable of loving or bonding with another human being. A man who thinks of his son as simply a valuable (for the moment) possession. I am beginning to understand the necessity behind this kind of denial. I cannot imagine sending someone I loved off with It believing otherwise.

Minimization of the Aftermath

In addition to the psychological effects of a pathological relationship I have also been struggling with a number of physical problems since leaving It. I now suffer from high blood pressure, weight gain, fatigue, and have recently been diagnosed with early onset menopause. Both my doctor and my therapist attribute all of these symptoms to my relationship with It. It does seem more than coincidental that all of these ailments began since the relationship and are commonly associated with PTSD. But my Sister-In-It believes that I am attributing too much to what happened to me. Of course according to Not-Me logic if these symptoms are not the result of the relationship then one has less to worry about concerning their own health.

Head-in-the-Sand Wishful Thinking

I was recently accepted for a five day retreat for survivors of sociopaths and called my Sister-In-It to tell her the good news. I also expressed my wish that she could one day get the help she needs and enjoy something like this retreat. Her response was that she wouldn't be interested in anything that required her to think about narcissists for that long. While I certainly agree that obsessing over it isn't healthy I had to wonder how much of this head-in-the-sand attitude is related to the Not-Me logic that helps so many cope with fear and anxiety.

The Gift of Fear

One of my goals is to one day incorporate my experience with It into my career as a women's self-defense instructor. One thing that I knew before it, and am even more sure of after It, is that NO ONE is safe. The best we can do is keep our head out of the sand, get as much reliable information as possible and make decisions accordingly. I've said over and over again to my students there is no self-defense technique that works in every situation but there is always something you can do to help keep yourself safe. The first step is to acknowledge that we are all vulnerable to one extent or another, that none of us is in complete control and that fear is a gift that let's us know we are in danger. Not-Me logic acts as an emollient to fear, ultimately making us more vulnerable or keeping us in pathological relationships.

love and hugs, Laura

Why We Minimize the Damage: The need to feel safe

2009-11-14T09:17:00.019-07:00

This post has been modified. Please see above.

Click here to watch this important film on-line - Never was I so sure that my ex is an S/N until now. Looking in Vaknin's eyes took me right back.

2009-10-23T15:41:00.010-07:00

Synopsis

Psychopaths…they’ll charm you, manipulate you, then ruin your life. But, not all of them with a gun or a knife. In this extra-ordinary documentary, suspected psychopath Sam Vaknin goes in search of a diagnosis…was he born without a conscience?

Suspected Psychopath Sam Vaknin

“Making a movie with a psychopath,” declares I, Psychopath’s director Ian Walker, “is a little like poking a snake with a stick.” Unwittingly, the film-maker becomes a textbook victim. Joined by Vaknin’s long-suffering but ever-loyal wife Lidija, the threesome embark on a diagnostic road trip to the world’s top experts in psychopathy in which Vaknin (and his wife) undergo a battery of rigorous psychological tests and neuroscientific experiments. He is the world’s first civilian to willingly seek a diagnosis for psychopathy.

Director Ian Walker after two weeks on the road with Sam

The former corporate criminal turns out to be a way better psychopath than any of them imagined. By the end, Walker almost calls it quits on his own film rather than spend another day with its main subject.

What Sociopaths Have In Common - Another Great Article by Steve Becker

2009-10-22T17:58:00.004-07:00

If you're wondering whether your N/S is an S or "merely" and N, read this. (Please note that N's are just as destructive.)

love and hugs, Laura

Strength and Free Will

2009-10-17T18:35:00.011-07:00

One of the most common misconceptions about narcissiopaths is that they are drawn to weakness. After a year of intensive research I have come to the conclusion that this is not only an utter falsehood, it is destructive for survivors.

In fact, Narcissiopaths are attracted to strength. It is their own weakness, i.e their inability to feel or have empathy that draws them to those of us who are very empathetic and caring. These qualities are hardly a weakness.

They also target areas that they find troublesome. In my own case my ex N/S targeted my political/feminist convictions, vegetarianism and atheism. By the time It was done with me I was eating meat, accepting misogyny, considering having plastic surgery and attending synagogue with It and believing that somehow I was making these choices freely. But I wasn't.

Its method was to agree with me wholly and then little by little chip away at my conviction and esteem using a kind of convoluted logic that is difficult to combat -- read impossible once you're hooked. My ex N/S claimed to be a feminist, socialist who was spiritual but not religious and who respected my eating choices, that was AT FIRST! Never did It demand that I accept Its misogyny, religion or eating habits. Its game was to make me "decide" to give in to It, while openly asking me "not to make it too easy" for It.

What N/S's target is your will and your ability to trust your own judgments. This is one of the reasons it is so difficult to heal afterward. Nothing is safe because everything requires our judgment.

Recently I stopped eating meat again and am getting actively involved in feminist politics. I am finally healing! I am still questioning my spiritual beliefs, but am no longer feeling any pressure to believe in God in one way or another. In short I have reestablished my free will.

Love and hugs, Laura

Why Me? - Why You?

2009-10-16T21:55:00.025-07:00

I can't imagine any survivor of an N/S not repeatedly asking themselves, "Why me?" People ask this question after surviving all sorts of trauma. Some trauma, like a car accident, have no real reason and many turn to their spiritual beliefs for answers. But no matter where it comes from the answer to this question is central for recovery and for understanding why we are not to blame for what happened.

In the case of surviving an N/S, getting to the answer is a long and complex process. The good news is that unlike an accident there is a tangible reason why your N/S chose you. I don't believe it can be easily gleaned in the beginning of recovery. Only this week, over a year after leaving It, have I finally figured out why my ex N/S chose me. This revelation has been extraordinarily liberating. This post is about that discovery, but it's not an easy thing to articulate so bear with me...

In conjunction with therapy I've been reading Robert Hare's book "Without a Conscience". Although it primarily relies on extreme cases of sociopathy such as serial killers and known felons, it does offer great insight into how the minds of narcissists and sociopaths who manage to stay below the radar work. This book, in conjunction with all of my research has helped me draw some conclusions that resemble a kind of closure.

In tandem with my research I've been watching the Showtime series "Dexter", which is also about a sociopathic serial killer. Most people find the act(s) of murder and physical violence to be the most upsetting and scary aspects of sociopathic serial killers. For me what is the most frightening is the fact that these people are so extraordinarily adept at mimicking empathy, love and emotion that, until they are exposed, they are able to function (often at high levels) as upstanding, well-liked individuals.

I recently watched an episode of Dexter (All in the Family) in which he proposes to his pregnant girlfriend.

What is so scary about this scene isn't what's happening. It's what came before it -- the way Dexter figures out how to get Rita to say yes to his proposal after previously refusing. He realizes that he's missing something. By watching the emotions, actions and reactions of others he tries several new approaches. Eventually he figures out what works. The entire episode is underscored with his description of other characters' choices as merely roles they play. He is unable to comprehend their emotions or needs, yet he absorbs roles in a very deliberate and calculated way in order to appear normal.

During the last session with my therapist we uncovered the most probable reason my ex N/S chose me. I believe that coupled with my strength and feminist beliefs (which as a profound misogynist It is fascinated with) It chose me because of my propensity to react to situations in an unusually emotional yet critical and analytical way. These characteristics were like none It had come across before and It needed to add them to Its arsenal of "emotions" and responses.

I now understand how It was able to be so good at doing the "right" things during emotionally difficult times AND why It was able to do so without blinking an eye or fumbling in any way. All Its "right" actions are scripted from previous experience. What I find horrifying is that I was unable to recognize that there was nothing real about what seemed so real and that I know I can be duped again.

Because it was something that we shared, one of my biggest triggers was any song by the Dave Matthews Band. I've since found a way to reclaim them -- a feat I am very proud of. Along with the revelations of how sociopaths learn and hone their craft I realized that It "loves" Dave Matthews for the very same reason it "loves" anyone. Matthews, whose lyrics and music are extremely emotional, teach It how to ACT like it loves, feels, and has passion for other human beings. It's the same reason it "enjoys" emotionally laden films and television as well. At the time I thought it was refreshing to have a man who liked chick-flicks, but what I didn't realize is that It likes them for what It can learn from them.

It will always choose Its next victim based on her ability to teach It about what It is lacking. I, like Its other ex-girlfriends, was discarded after nothing more could be learned and nothing else could be gained. I was bled dry and used up. Time to move on... Unfortunately Its ex-wife won't be as lucky. She will always have a purpose and will always provide lessons for It in terms of parenting and kindness (which she feels forced to show It for the benefit of their son.) Its latest victim, no matter what she has to offer, is still whirling in charmed delight, but it's only a matter of time until she is bled dry, used up and discarded.

A friend and fellow survivor (H.C.) has repeatedly stressed that she and I are the lucky ones. Lucky to be free and to be able to feel real emotion. She is right.

Love and hugs, Laura

I'm Alive....

2009-10-10T12:33:00.003-07:00

Dave Matthews and Kenny Chesney - I'm Alive

And today you know that's good enough for me... :D

How do I Forgive Myself?

2009-10-09T15:03:00.005-07:00

Oliver was my heart. An eleven pound Yorkie-poo who could make me smile under the worst circumstances. My love for Oliver was so profound I imagine it can only be compared to the love of a human child. He was my baby.

I am finding it impossible to forgive myself for abandoning him when I moved to NY to be near my ex N/S. I'm finding it even more impossible to forgive myself for dragging him three hundred miles to spend the last two weeks of his life scared, sad and at times all alone in a strange place.

My ex N/S wouldn't allow him to stay with us in his apartment so I left him in my apartment crated and alone. I would come home in the morning to find my nearly blind and deaf Oliver terrified and covered in his own feces. How in the hell could I have done that to him?

Instead of leaving him at his own home in PA to be gently euthanized by a vet I've known and trusted, I took him to a vet that I didn't know where he was given an improper amount of sedative that made him even more upset than he already was. His death was horrible and I made it that way.

My ex N/S was "disappointed" in me for not including him in the days events, but proceeded to do all the "right" things to try to soothe me. I knew he didn't understand and I certainly knew he didn't give a rat's ass about Oliver, yet somehow I felt grateful for the "love" he was showing me.

I am just now grieving all that I've lost and all the people I've hurt during the time I was with my ex. Questions of responsibility/blame loom large and I feel paralyzed and almost unable to function. I suppose that grieving Oliver is a step forward. It is a sign that I am recovering who I am and who I was, but it is a pain I fear I will never be freed from because there is absolutely no way to make amends to Oliver or the others I hurt so badly.

I only hope that Oliver in all of his innocent beauty could forgive me because I'm not sure I can. I miss you Ollie-Bear.

Sharks, Carps and Dolphins...learning the lessons that sociopaths can teach us about winning.

2009-10-05T22:11:00.006-07:00

Another fantastic article from lovefraud.com's "Healing After the Sociopath....Discovering What We Are Capable Of"

"This article is about one of the most important aspects of trauma processing. It is about what we learn as we realize that there is some other reality on the other side of healing. We play with this idea all the way through our healing. Certainly, the angry phase is about learning to be different than we were, working on not being a victim anymore. But there is more than that. There is also learning the lessons that sociopaths can teach us about winning...

Sharks and Carps and Dolphins

.Sharks are addicted to winning. Carps are addicted to being loved. These rough generalizations offer us a wealth of understanding about the differences between empaths (feeling people) and people who cannot bond.

There is another, related concept in this book about the nature of human interactions. That is, in all interactions, we act on what is most important to us – either the relationship or the outcome. If we are more concerned about the relationship, we are willing to compromise or give in to keep things friendly between us. If we are more concerned about the outcome, we will do whatever we have to do to get what we want. Outcome-oriented interactions may include a lot of apparent relationship-building but it is all part of the plan to get the desired outcome."

...a third type, the dolphin, which has two characteristics that are different from the carp and the shark. The dolphin experiments with new strategies, when its standard behaviors aren’t working in a situation. Second, the dolphin will generally act like a peaceable, relationship-oriented carp unless circumstances require acting like a shark. When it is necessary to place outcome over relationship, the dolphin has no problem doing that.

In our healing from relationships with sociopaths, we practice outcome-over-relationship in many ways. We make the decision to end these relationships and then cut off contact. We place our health and survival first."

love and hugs, Laura

It takes a good long look to recognize Prince Charming...

2009-10-05T10:24:00.007-07:00

One of the things I stress to my students is that "charm" is a verb not an adjective. Sociopaths are almost always charming and charismatic. They have to be, it's how they lure you in. There's nothing wrong with looking for our own Prince, but it makes sense to learn, not only what to look for, but what to WATCH OUT FOR.

A friend sent me a link to a great article from O webzine...Prince Harming looks exactly like Prince Charming on the surface. Lesson learned here....look deeper, MUCH deeper.

Wax Rosebuds and Plastic Peaches- Another MUST read...

2009-10-03T22:42:00.003-07:00

Before even entering into the text of the book, the opening quotation is enough to convince the reader that Dr. Hare knows where he's going with this....

"Good people are rarely suspicious: they cannot imagine others doing the things they themselves are incapable of doing; usually they accept the undramatic solution as the correct one, and let matters rest there. Then too, the normal are inclined to visualize the [psychopath] as one who's as monstrous in appearance as he is in mind, which is about as far from the truth as one can could well get...These monsters of real life usually looked and behaved in a more normal manner than their actually normal brothers and sisters; they presented a more convincing picture of virtue than virtue presented of itself--just as the wax rosebud or the plastic peach seemed more perfect to the eye, more what the mind thought a rosebud or a peach should be, than the imperfect original from which it had been modelled. -- William March, The Bad Seed"

...the eye contact he made with me was so direct and intense that I wondered if I had ever really looked anyone in the eye before..."

This is how he got me. This is how he got his ex-wife, my friend. This is how he is luring her...his new victim. He will suck the soul from her and leave her remains with the same stare and no remorse. Should I warn her? Yes, but she wouldn't believe me and if I am to become whole I must accept that he will continue to victimize and destroy. I can either become whole or I can spend my days trying to prevent him from doing that which he does by nature and by design.

I choose the former... God help her and all who follow her.

Awakening From Loving a Chimera...

2009-09-13T08:10:00.006-07:00

This is one of the best descriptions of the awakening/healing process I've read so far -
yet another fabulous post on LoveFraud.com

"...In those first minutes and hours and days away from him, within the protective veil of No Contact, I came face to face with reality and accepted my truth. I never loved him. I wanted to think I did. I truly wanted to believe I did. But, in reality, I loved a mirage. A shimmering creation of his duplicitous creation. He was the chimera. Facilely capable of shifting shape to suit the weather, the time zone, the geographic formations around him.

I never loved him. I loved the thought of him. The idea. The dream.

In accepting the reality of my love of the idea of him versus the truth of who he was, I freed myself to awaken from the nightmare of his embrace. In my awakening, I opened myself up to all that is possible when I let go of living on cloud nine, squeezing my feet into too small high heeled shoes that inevitably trip me up. Feet firmly planted on the ground in my size nine hiking boots, and armed with my shield of No Contact, I strode fearlessly away from my need to hear his voice, to know what he was doing and saying and thinking. To make sense of his nonsense. To understand his machinations.

He did what he did because he could. It’s what he does. It’s who he is..."

Click here for full article.

Love and hugs, Laura

Edited posting - The importance of labels...

2009-09-11T09:49:00.003-07:00

There is a strong current that claims that the use of labels is destructive. I think the rejection of labels is as destructive as wielding them as a weapon, and it's important to distinguish between the two.

My ex is a narcissist and a sociopath or as Steven Becker coins a "narcissiopath". Why is it important for me to embrace these labels? Because it serves to validate my experience and pain in a way that cannot be otherwise.

One of my ex's friends tried to blame me for what happened by claiming that a jerk is a jerk and it was my responsibility to recognize that my ex is a jerk. But therein lies the problem. A jerk is recognizable by anyone, no problem. A narcissiopath is not! And, in fact, if he targets you he initially appears as the opposite of jerk. My ex's friend would like to believe that she rejected my ex as not suitable for a relationship "no matter how cute he was," and therefore I should have been able/capable of the same. But the truth is that my ex rejected her, for whatever reason (perhaps she herself is a narcissist and can't supply what he needs) as unsuitable.

When a narcissist/sociopath decides you're what they want they become the opposite of "jerk", i.e. they morph into your perfect mate for the sole purpose of extracting what they want from you and then discarding an unrecognizable shell. Embracing the label narcissist or sociopath allows a survivor to begin to understand the complexity and depth of what happened to her. Jerks don't set out to destroy. Narcissiopaths do. Jerks are simply jerks. Narcissiopaths are predators. Labels help us to make very important - and in in the case of a survivor, critical - distinctions that cannot be made otherwise.

hugs and love, Laura

Will/Can I ever trust again?

2009-09-02T22:08:00.002-07:00

The Love Scripts of Sociopaths

2009-09-02T22:04:00.002-07:00

One of the reasons it all seems so real...

"...Contrary to expectations then sociopaths do not lack love schemas. They are perfectly adept and perhaps more adept than most in talking about love..."

Click here to read full article at LoveFraud.com

Chilling poem written by a sociopath...

2009-08-04T08:46:00.003-07:00

The following poem appeared on Lovefraud.com... it is VERY chilling. Written (though denied autobiographical) by a sociopath. Lovefraud only permits reposting excerpts and I highly recommend reading the entire article.

Catch and Release

Before I pull your hair and leave you for dead
I will ravish you
not physically, but with words sensuous and firm
with sibilance rolling off my chameleon tongue
and metaphors byzantine and allusive pitched
to that intimate space between your ears.
I will watch you wriggle with denial,
claw with anger, bargain for release,
splash like a drowning animal in hopelessness.
And when I observe the contour of your acceptance,
the precise moment your will bends pliantly to mine
I will release you.
Game over.

hugs and love, Laura

Destruction...

2009-07-16T12:49:00.002-07:00

Philosophers are often concerned with the "essence" of a thing. That is to ask, what is it about something that makes it that particular thing. Further, how much can that thing be changed before it is no longer itself?

I've been thinking about this question in terms of my own being and if my ex-N destroyed my essence. To put it another way, did my ex-N change enough of my attributes to make me indistinguishable from what I was?

I miss who I was, Sabum Nim Laura Kamienski. My life was whole. I was able to have a positive impact on the lives of women and girls through my work and my studies, in an extraordinary way. If it is true that sociopaths seek to destroy strength and goodness, I wonder if these very qualities made me more prone to be his target. Did he want to destroy the leader that I had become? But more importantly, am I still a leader? If so, of who/what? What was it that was lost in me? What qualities? In what order did I lose them? How did he destroy them? Are they retrievable?

When I was Sabum Nim I stood tall. I had energy. I was strong! My strength was both physical and emotional. I had integrity.

Sociopaths get something out of the destruction of another. But ironcally their method of destruction is disguised in a kind of creation. In their molding (manipulation) of their victims they are creating a new being. From the outside this seems like a positive, or at the very least a harmless, action. But what is lost is the fact that in order to create the person the they desire the old one must first be destroyed. What power! What control!

So, what am I now? Who am I? Am I Sabum Nim? No. I am no longer that woman. A woman that truly liked and admired. Now, I am the survivor of a sociopath struggling each day to again become someone I like and admire. But even though he stripped so many qualities that made me admirable, my essence is in tact. It is that tiny shining light I try to focus on. The part of me that enabled me to become Sabum Nim and will again enable me to become a woman I like and admire.

This is the journey of the survivor...

Love and hugs, Laura

"Mild" sociopath = Covert sociopath - No less dangerous!

2009-07-14T18:40:00.002-07:00

The following is an excerpt from an excellent article on lovefraud.com that clearly articulates the mistake that so many of us make... to believe that a sociopath is somehow "mild" who does not commit overt violence. I believe that the covert sociopaths actually do more damage in the long run for two reasons: First they are far less detectable and second, they commit no "illegal" acts.

Love and hugs, Laura

Learning to identify people with “covert” psychopathic traits in the “wild” is much more difficult than identifying “overtly dangerous” people with psychopathic traits, since most of the people who are “overtly dangerous” will swagger around “looking like a thug” and wanting to impress you with their potential for violence. It is sort of like the difference between the pit bull dog who bares his teeth and growls, versus the dog that quietly sneaks up behind you and sinks his teeth into your calf without any warning growl.

In either case, the best test of either the overt or the covert psychopath is their behavior, rather than what they say. If you observe someone do something (anything) to another person that you deem unjustified, ugly, nasty, hateful, revengeful, etc., then you should be very careful around that person and be watchful of them.

A friend of mine who was a dean of students at a prestigious college was literally sexually attacked by one of her fellow vice-presidents of that college; fortunately she was able to get away from him. Six months later, though, when he was appointed the new college president, his first act was to fire her. She hadn’t seen it coming. She was not only devastated, but was shocked and surprised. She shouldn’t have been. She had been warned that this man was a psychopath by his drunken sexual attack, but she kept her mouth shut at that time rather than “cause a stir.” Later, her silence at the time of the attack cost her her job.

The covert psychopaths count on people being “peace keepers” and keeping their mouths shut about observed bad behavior. They also count on “small” instances of bad behavior being over looked, even though these “minor” transgressions of “niceness” add up to a large mountain of bad behavior over the long haul.

Another thing that is against our being validated when we observe and “label” these instances of psychopathic behavior is the lack of validation we get from others who also know this person, but are not nearly as aware of what it “means” as we (former victims) are. They may pass off the behavior as “Oh, that’s just John” or “Well, he probably didn’t mean it that way” or “Oh, just get along and play nice.”

The covert psychopath may not be physically violent at all, but instead, may only engage in emotional and mental abuse of his/her victims by demeaning and degrading them with subtle put downs. The covert psychopath may also do financial or career damage to their targets, and a covert smear campaign against a co-worker or boss can destroy a career or a reputation.

No understandable motive

Because we, many times, fail to see a “motive” that we can understand for the behavior of the covert psychopath, it makes it difficult for us (and others) to believe that “s/he would do that,” because we cannot see what s/he would gain. Unfortunately, many times the “motive” of the psychopath is the same answer as the mountain climber gave for climbing a very difficult peak, “Just because it’s there and I wanted to prove I could do it.”

It might be fairly easy, you would think, to spot the “overt bad boys” by going to a “bad part of town” or “gang turf” and looking at the guys swaggering in and out of bars or selling drugs on the street and say “that guy acts like a psychopath,” and you might even be right in your assessment, but maybe not. But you can’t be sure you are not dealing with a psychopath at a debutante ball, or a civic meeting, or a political rally, a church group, or a business meeting either, because the fact that people there are cleaner, better educated and dress nicer doesn’t make them less apt to be a psychopath.

My sperm donor used to tell the press that he was “eccentric” and “the reason he was ‘eccentric,’ instead of ‘crazy’ was because he was rich!” Unfortunately, I think in many ways he was right, as people who are in a powerful position because of fame, money or other reasons, seem to be allowed more range in the behavior that is considered “acceptable” than those of us who are not so rich or powerful. Their power over other’s lives, finances, and emotions I think is what feeds their egos and their sense of entitlement to “control” others. Those of the human race who are not high in psychopathic and narcissistic traits don’t usually consider “control over others” to be a stand-alone motive to use, abuse and manipulate other’s lives for their own joy. That being said, it is difficult for us to see this as a viable motive in others who do have the psychopathic traits.

Is effective revenge possible? Not really... but

2009-07-10T22:32:00.003-07:00

Of course when you reach the anger stage you begin to wonder what sort of revenge is possible against a sociopath and you begin to realize that almost everything you can think of would provide him with an invaluable source of narcissistic supply.

I was thinking a lot about whether anything could cause my ex pain and I finally settled on his disfigurement. After all what else but his own inability to gather NS could cause him any more pain than he's already in.

I discussed these feeling with my closest friend and he reminded me of a scene from the film "Princess Bride" (1987) in which the hero (Westly) is confronting his enemy (Prince Humperdinck - who is clearly a sociopath) and says to him,

Westly: "To the pain," means the first thing you lose will be your feet below the ankles, then your hands at the wrists, next your nose.

Prince Humperdinck: And, then my tongue I suppose. I killed you too quickly the last time; a mistake I don't mean to duplicate tonight.

Westley: I wasn't finished. The next thing you lose will be your left eye, followed by the right . .

Prince Humperdinck: And, then my ears, I understand. Let's get on with it.

Westley: Wrong! Your ears you keep, and I'll tell you why. So that every shriek of every child at seeing your hideousness will be yours to cherish, every babe that weeps at your approach, every woman who cries out: "Dear God, what is that thing?" will echo in your perfect ears. That is what "to the pain"means. It means I leave you in anguish, wallowing in freakish misery, forever.

Love and hugs, Laura

The background noise... living with the aftermath

2009-07-04T23:03:00.003-07:00

It makes me so sad (and angry) to know that I have such a long road of healing ahead, but I keep trying to take my life back one bit at a time.

At this point it all feels like background noise. Behind every thought, every feeling, every sensation is him, his voice, his touch, his demands, his deceit. There's nothing that isn't tainted with him. I'm thousands of miles away and in no danger of ever hearing from him again, but I still wonder, "Will I?"

I still love what I thought was him... what seemed so real... what seemed like the first time I'd ever known real intimacy. But I hate him for making me love an illusion more than I loved myself. For turning me into someone who so thoughtlessly gave up everything and everyone I ever loved and who ever loved me in favor of his 'love'.

Right now I have absolutely everything I ever wanted in life. EVERYTHING... I'm living where I've always wanted to live, with a beautiful man who truly loves me and two amazing dogs, with the worlds best singletrack and three of the best mountain bikes ever made and I still have this background noise of sadness.

It's like living with arthritis... pain all the time... yet you still keep going.

A final letter for my ex...

2009-07-04T01:40:00.003-07:00

On several occasions my therapist has recommended that I write a letter to my ex. One that he'll never see, but which allows me to say everything I want and need to say to him. This is a common therapeutic practice that I have resisted until lately. I've been seriously thinking about it for a about a month now. I actually sat down a couple of times to write it expecting a long diatribe of furious epithets and pitiful sorrow. But after several attempts and staring for hours at a blank screen, what I've finally settled on not only surprises me, but IS also surprisingly liberating.

My final letter to my ex would read as follows:

Dear ***,

I know what you are.

Laura

The Narcissist’s Commandments

2009-07-03T12:22:00.001-07:00

You must not disappoint me.

You must not inconvenience me.

You must recognize all of my expectations as reasonable.

You must, at all times, accommodate me.

You must recognize my “special needs” (special in an important, not disabled, sense); and must always satisfy them.

You must be glad for my good moods, and understand and tolerate my bad, nasty ones.

You must see my anger, rage and contempt as always arising for justifiable reasons.

You must make tireless efforts to placate me when you’ve upset me.

You must appreciate that my comfort supercedes yours and everyone else’s.

You must find what interests me, interesting; and you must convey your interest.

You willingly assume responsibility for my happiness, and blame for my discontent.

You must never oppose or defy me.

You must always know what I want without my having to ask; and you must always communicate what you want without my having to ask.

You must recognize that double-standards are unacceptable, except when they’re mine (in which case they’re not double-standards, just differently applied standards).

You must stop shoving the word “reciprocity” in my face. Reciprocity means that both of us do what I want and need.

You appreciate at all times my importance and significance, or I’ll find someone who will.

You recognize that, even though we’re both “tired” at the end of the day, my fatigue is ten times more valid than yours, and so you cut me ten times more slack than I cut you.

You worry about your accountability to me, and I’ll worry about my accountability to God.

You find that everything I say makes sense (and therefore brooks no opposition).

You appreciate that your value to me is proportionate to how good you make me look, and feel.

You somehow sustain yourself as an alluring sexual object to me, or I license myself to satisfy that demand elsewhere.

You may have noticed that what underlies all of these commandments is an inflated sense of entitlement (the attitude at the heart of narcissism). I look forward to your feedback and to your adding creatively, and from your own insights, to my assuredly uncomprehensive list.

Trust

2009-06-30T20:13:00.002-07:00

Don't know how I missed article 11 in Kathy Hawk's series, but it is on trust. So timely for me.... I encourage all survivors to check this (and the entire series) out.

Love and hugs,
Laura

Reclaiming Self Love

2009-06-30T08:32:00.003-07:00

A very quick post as I'm short on time....I received a notice for the next installment of Kathy Hawk's amazing series on healing from a sociopath, entitled "Reclaiming Self Love." For me this is the most critical question because unlike any other kind of abuse the sociopath's main weapon is soul theft. But what does that mean? It means you're left different than you were. He steals all that makes you you and molds you into what it is that he wants you to be for the moment. The worst part for me was the loss of my integrity. Reclaiming self love is difficult enough after an abusive relationship, but even more so when the survivor has to rediscover who the self is.

love and hugs,
Laura

Reminder; After the Sociopath How do we heal series...

2009-06-16T08:33:00.002-07:00

There have been several installments in this series since I last updated it. As always I highly, highly recommend it. The latest installment is on Forgiveness. Amazing stuff....

love and hugs,
Laura
************************************************
Here is an excerpt, click on the title link to read the whole article.

,,,Here are some of the things we may be thinking as we approach forgiving:

• These angry or frightened feelings don’t have any place in my life anymore. I want to move on.
• I’m ready to find more interests than this bitterness
• I want to clean up my emotional system so I become more positive and optimistic
• I’m starting to remember how I felt before all this happened, and I want to recover some of that joy of life.
• This just isn’t worth the energy I’ve been giving it

But to forgive, we have to overcome one major obstacle. Fear. Forgiving is actually part of overcoming fear. But we have to face it head on too.

Fear and forgiveness

The progress of healing involves us becoming more and more real about what happened and how we feel about it. In anger, we get closer to recognizing our fear, but our reaction is to throw things at it – blame, threats, vengeance, work on fixing things so it never happens again. In grieving and letting go, we accept the specific losses that we have endured. While that is good work, it also clarifies our vulnerability to random events or to specific threats in the world. We may work on accepting that vulnerability, along with our other losses, but it doesn’t change the fact that it exists.

And so now, our increasing awareness of the costs of our vulnerability raises a new issue. How do we live with the fear?

This question makes sense of all we’ve been through to process the trauma. We may have dabbled with fear in our processing. Asking ourselves “what if” this or that. What if no one ever loves me again? What if I am really too stupid to live? But we never sat down to really look it hard in the eye.

Because fear is an extremely uncomfortable emotion. In fact, if we look at all the so-called negative emotions, including shame and guilt, and do enough digging down, we find fear at the bottom of them. Other than love, it is the most fundamental emotion. And it is the antithesis of love or connectedness. We literally can’t feel love and fear at the same time. One will overtake the other.

Fear is designed to stop everything else until it is resolved. It generates the noises of anxiety and need for immediate relief, while blocking or compromising our ability to see into the future, our ability to fully recognize and enjoy what is around us, and our ability to take the normal risks involved in forward movement in our lives. It eats up our energy in a million ways and drives us toward behaviors that are about nothing but self-protection and relief from the mental noise.

This is why facing and acknowledging the fact that we are afraid can be such a powerfully transformative thing, all by itself. It is a form of clearing away all the intermediate structures of trauma-processing and getting down to the center of it in a totally authentic way. So we are no longer lying to ourselves or pretending. So that we are no longer trying to talk ourselves into irrational ideas about being stronger or safer than we are. So that we are finally clear about the fact that the universe whacked us and we don’t know when it will whack us again. It is out of our control.

This is tough stuff, the toughest of the entire grief process, and until we are ready for it, we can’t do it. Our minds won’t let us. We will slip and slide away into denial or bargaining or anger or another round of grieving and letting go, all the things that we know made us feel better than the stage before. And that is fine. Our minds have their own wisdom, and we face this issue when we have the structural underpinning in place to do this. It’s why the healing process is progressive.

But one way or another, when we come to think about forgiving, we’re going to run into this issue. How can I safely forgive if I really don’t know when I’m going to be facing the same thing again, or something worse? Or vice versa, how can I experience my fear if I’m relaxing my angry alert and protection systems by forgiving?...

Ups and Downs

2009-06-13T17:29:00.003-07:00

Over the past several days I've had several startling breakthroughs. I AM healing! :D But it took the support of other survivors to remind me that breakthroughs aren't magical and that they require energy. Healing requires energy. So today I'm feeling drained and despondent, but with the love and help of my friends I'm not beating myself up for it.

This afternoon, my fellow traveler Sandra forwarded the following article to me. Unfortunately we don't know the original source. Reading it reminded me of just what I've been through and healing from. Thanks Sandra and all my dear fellow survivors. I don't know what I'd do without you. :D

*********************************************************************************
Daily Strength:

Abusive people honestly believe they are victims and always take every destructive outburst and turn it around so that they are the helpless and hurting party. Suddenly, the perpetrator is the victim and the recipient is the saviour. Quite insidiously, without our awareness, the abnormal becomes normal, as we make excuses for his behaviour and minimize the impact. Simple acts of considerateness are seen as shining stars of promise, illuminating the darkness of depression and cynicism. For a few days or weeks, he is full of kindness, bringing us flowers or presents, complimenting us, taking us out to dinner. Then suddenly, sometimes without warning, it all blows up in our faces as we're accused of expecting too much, of being selfish and thoughtless.

We certainly don't want to be those things, so we apologize and tell him we're happy without all those "extras" -- the extras being mere kindness and common courtesy. All we want is what we see others enjoying and taking for granted -- a peaceful, loving family. Is that too much to ask? And we are willing to pay any price to attain the treasure. Dreams die very hard. We truly believe we are in love with these men when actually we are only in love with the illusion we so cherish and desperately cling to.
Many of us seek spiritual guidance, turning to clergy for prayer, support and direction. We intuitively know the situation is beyond human aid long before we're satisfied with believing we've done everything in our power to make it work.

We read books, listen to tapes, even attend marriage seminars and earnestly apply what we learn to our own situations. We are told the promises and guarantees of applying these principles and hear testimonies from successful others. With our spirits revived and strength renewed, we gain fresh confidence and determination, believing we have now found the solution. We are recharged with that false sense of power, thinking we know what to do to make it all better. Everything we learn is true and highly effective in the average marriage. There's only one thing missing -- a sane, rational partner. It doesn't matter how fluently or eloquently you can speak English if you're trying to communicate with someone who doesn't know the language. We continue to treat them like normal adult human beings, expecting them to respond as such. When it doesn't happen, we try harder, applying still more patience, effort and understanding. It's like expecting a man with no legs to get up and walk. But we keep expecting, praying, hoping.

It's extremely difficult to get rid of the notion that he will one day start making up for his wrongs and start giving back all he has taken. We have been loyal, faithful and consistent in the face of impossible odds. We desperately want him to clearly see all the pain and humiliation he's put us through, and realize how loving and patient we've been. We want him to feel the full impact of our suffering by thoroughly putting himself in our skin, and to truly be sorry for the harm done. He owes us a great deal -- time, attention, love, peace of mind, security, stability, dependability, trustworthiness, faithfulness, loyalty, devotion, commitment ... He owes us the absolute fulfilment of his wedding vows and we plan to stay until he finally pays up.

It appears to others that we have no pride whatsoever or we wouldn't stay, yet we are driven by an incredible force of pride -- violated pride turned into anger. Twisted, backwards, but pride, none the less. There's nothing as humiliating as a disloyal spouse, especially in the face of our devotion and loyalty. In the overwhelming shame placed upon us, we become determined to hang on and prove to the world, and to the other women, that he truly does love us. We'll force him to love and cherish us.

The reason we cannot stand up for ourselves is because we daily live with his defensiveness and paranoia, falsely- accusing us and refusing to acknowledge our goodness and sincerity. We are determined to prove our worth, to make him see and admit that we are right and he is wrong, that we are good and he has been bad, that we have been saints and he has been a devil, and that he owes us the return of all the love and loyalty we have invested in him. If we do or say anything to make him mad, that will only give him a reason to defend himself and say that's proof that we are not loving, good- hearted women. We mustn't give him any real grounds to base his accusations on. We must always prove ourselves worthy, noble, honourable. As a result, we are driven to give, do, be, and sacrifice anything in order to prove our worth.

We lose our self-worth in trying to prove our worth to him. But it's never enough and we are human -- we make mistakes, we sometimes blow up from all the tension, and these things are unforgivable to him. He waits and watches for us to slip up and make one little mistake or to show one negative quality so he can swoop down and devour us with accusations, insults, mockery, and blame. Unknowingly, we sell our souls in becoming more or less than human, disallowed human needs and emotions. Only he has the right to his feelings and needs while we do not have the freedom to feel any differently than what he wants us to feel or to feel nothing at all.

I think one problem is that the outside world cannot possibly comprehend that any human being could be as cold, calculated and mechanical as the abusive person is. No one, they think, could be completely void of conscience that he could be so abusive without provocation. It must be the woman's fault, at least partially. Thus, we stay for the very same reason.

I still cannot thoroughly comprehend the truth about abusive people. Any loving, compassionate human being cannot believe that another person is void of love and sensitivity, which is what keeps us trusting and hoping in the goodness we believe we see in these men. It is a fact of human nature that each of us perceives life, other people, and the world in general according to what we are inwardly. Life is our mirror and we see only ourselves in everyone around us. This explains the love we believe we see and the deception the abuser believes he sees. They can certainly "act" loving and sensitive at times, showing guilt, remorse, and heartache.

What we fail to recognize is they are only sensitive to themselves, not to anyone else. They are so sensitive to themselves that they are paranoid, constantly fearing that others are out to get one over on them, to take advantage of them, to mistreat them. They have become the very things they fear. In order to guard themselves against being abused, they become abusive. It isn't that they are not void of conscience, as the psychotic murderer is. Yet, their conscience only serves to tell them what they "should" feel and be -- and the problem is, they do not feel what they know they should and have no desire to be what they know they should be. This inner battle enrages them, as they furiously defend themselves through all sorts of justifications and blame. They truly are sick individuals. We somehow sense this and it calls out our compassion and maternal instincts to heal and protect and nurture. That is exactly what these men count on. We believe we can love them back to health and soundness of mind, while they merely need someone to help them stay the way they are.

I think one problem is that the outside world cannot possibly comprehend that any human being could be as cold, calculated and mechanical as the abusive person is. No one, they think, could be completely void of conscience that he could be so abusive without provocation. It must be the woman's fault, at least partially. Thus, we stay for the very same reason.

If he gives us a place to live and food to eat, we are not supposed to want or need anything else. Even those provisions are inconvenient infringements upon "his" money. Everything is "his". His money, his time, his house, his vehicle, his feelings... He will rarely refer to anything in the marriage as "ours". If the wife has a car, it will be "her" car, meaning she is completely responsible for the maintenance and condition. He will not contribute time or money to her car. The children are "hers" too, unless he needs to use them as trophies to brag about, and then they aren't our children but "his". Practically speaking, they are her children and she is completely responsible for their care and for their behaviour. There is very little he will label as "hers", but the minute she gets out of line, he will take what is hers -- the car or the children -- away from her, to punish her, threaten her and thereby put her back in her place. They will almost always use the children to keep a hold of their wife.

Sadly enough, they truly do not care about their own children. That too is impossible to comprehend, but they have not developed the ability to recognize others as being individual people. It's as if they see themselves as the only actual human being on earth. The only "love" they feel for others is actually just loving the way others make them feel. That's the whole of their love-hate relationships.

Others are seen as completely responsible for the way he feels. If you make him feel good, he loves you. If he feels bad, it's your fault and he hates you. They expect wife and children to run to them with open arms, lavishing them with love, devotion and praise, making him feel like a god, and they are to treat him this way regardless of how he behaves, never asking nor needing anything in return.

Sometimes, he offers attention and affection, which we are so hungry for that we rejoice and feel satisfied. Our hopes are renewed with the vision of how it could be, having been given just a taste. Pathetically enough, we have been reduced to the family dog, sitting at the master's feet, waiting for crumbs to fall to the floor. We are so hungry for love that we thankfully lap up any crumbs we can get and hope for more. This is his control. We are starving to death, managing to survive on the few crumbs he offers, while awaiting the grand feast he continually promises.

We know there will be no peace in our lives unless he is happy, so we do everything in our power to please him. It is not a matter of worshipping him, but one of survival, self- preservation. If he is unhappy, there will be a price to pay. So we keep quiet and try to keep the children at bay. We are constantly taking his emotional temperature to determine how we must act. We must be on guard, prepared to impede a possible disaster. We must anticipate his needs before he makes them known, hoping we've chosen the proper approach. At times, we must smooth his ruffled feathers, pampering and soothing him. Other times, we must become invisible and leave him alone. After all, we are there only for his convenience and if we inconvenience him in any way, we will be punished, if not physically, then verbally and emotionally. No one else in the house can have feelings or needs when dad "doesn't feel good". And when dad does feel good, everyone else must feel good, too, or they ruin his good mood.

If you are angry, depressed or physically ill, you will either be mocked or abandoned. These men are truly emotional icebergs, entirely isolated and emotionally unavailable. They have built a fort around themselves which is impossible to penetrate and they will protect their walls with violence, just as in any war. To these men, life is a one-man war, and protecting themselves and providing for themselves means survival. They do not trust anyone, nor believe anyone has sincerely good and loving motives.

They believe everyone is out only for themselves, ready to destroy anything in their paths, just as they are. Through his belief that the whole of life and humanity revolves around him, we get sucked into that madness and our lives centre on him, trying desperately to prove our sincerity, to earn his trust and acceptance. He sees our attempts at emotional intimacy and our efforts to prove ourselves trustworthy as calculated, deceptive tactics to penetrate his fort and destroy him. The closer we try to get to him, the more layers he adds to his walls of defence, lashing out and pushing us further and further away.

No one can understand why so many of these women go back to their abusive husbands after finally leaving, and they believe she must have some sick, masochistic desire for punishment. That couldn't be further from the truth. We have learned to monitor his mood, taking his emotional temperature before we know whether to talk, laugh, be attentive, or to be completely still and silent. We may need something from the supermarket, but we must first determine his state of mind before we even ask to go. The children may have a problem or a need, but we don't dare bring it up until we are certain the coast is clear. There is a tremendous problem with building and centering your life around someone else. We do not crave the excitement of crisis, the heartache, turmoil nor abuse. Even after we leave, we do not know peace.

We cannot hear the silence nor feel the tranquility in his absence for the raging storm which continues to blow like a hurricane in our minds. We have lost ourselves in basing every decision and action on him. We have become conditioned to think, feel, and behave according to what we believe someone else expects. We have lost the ability to act independently and base our decisions solely on our own needs and desires. We have learned to base everything we do or don't do on what we believe or hope his reaction will be. For those women who grew up in abusive homes, they have thought and behaved in this manner all their lives and have never known how to be an individual. Without intense, professional help, we cannot learn to function as whole human beings, separate from another. Thus, many go back.

The only thing you can count on is that you can't count on anything.

2009-06-04T11:56:00.007-07:00

Have you ever wondered what it would be like to live in a world without any rules? For example, imagine if traffic rules shifted arbitrarily. One minute red means stop and a few minutes later it means go. Later on red means that the area is under attack by aliens.

Or let's explore an even stranger scenario. Imagine that physics shifts without notice. One minute gravity is holding you down, the next you're floating in the air. On Monday your lungs breathe air to survive and on Tuesday you suddenly have gills and need to go under water. The following Monday breathing anything is optional.

This is what loving a sociopath is like. The rules change at a moments notice. One minute you're beautiful, the next you need a plastic surgeon. On Monday hugs are welcome, on Tuesday touching is off limits. July is the month that you're brilliant, in August you're seen as a moron. In the morning you're a great help, while in the afternoon you don't do anything useful. You're welcome one minute, unwelcome the next. His best friend at work, a mere acquaintance at home.

Life on this precipice leaves you a bit, well, edgy, and for good reason. You never know when you'll be the best thing that ever happened to him, or just a momentary amusement. Compliments are really backhanded criticism (or was it?). Which way is up? Which way is down... give yourself the greatest gift of all and find your way out as soon as you can!

hugs and love, Laura

PTSD-Defeat and Victim Identity

2009-06-01T13:27:00.000-07:00

The sociopath is much like a tick

2009-05-28T20:20:00.001-07:00

Recognizing the Real...

2009-05-11T01:04:00.002-07:00

They say there's a silver lining behind every cloud. I guess the silver lining of the sociopath cloud is learning to recognize the real.

I've been nurturing a relationship with a man who is for all intents and purposes not "my type", but who is the kindest, most loving and giving person I've ever met. We have tons in common and he treats me not only like a human being, but like a woman who is beautiful, desired and loved.

I'm not sure I that I would have been capable of loving him if I hadn't gone through what I did with my ex-sociopath.

It is a bit ironic that it took being destroyed to find happiness. Pink wrote, in her song "Crystal Ball" that, "I wouldn't trade the pain for what I've learned." When I first heard this lyric I thought, "I sure would trade the pain...", but now I think I wouldn't. I am satisfied loving a man who is pure and real and wonderful and who is , for all intents and purposes, not "my type"... because what I've learned is that he is EXACTLY my type. :D

I love you John! xo

How Do We Heal? Part 8 - Waking Up by Kathleen Hawk

2009-05-05T08:15:00.001-07:00

Next installment in a must read series! love and hugs, Laura

Am I Responsible For How He Acts? Do I Drive His Behavior?

2009-04-28T22:29:00.004-07:00

www.saferelationshipsmagazine.com

(To go directly to the magazine, click the link above).

One of the most frequently asked questions in pathological relationship counseling is "Did I make the person behave like this?" The clients often believe they bring out 'the worst in them' or so the pathological wants them to believe. The pathological likes to label their own acting out or cheating or other inappropriate behavior as someone else's fault. One of the characteristics of a number of permanent personality disorders is the trait that they don't take responsibility for their own behavior. They have a victim mentality and blame others and the world for their short comings and ultimately, their bad behavior. Normal people 'own' their own behavior, pathological people project it onto others.

By the time the client comes to counseling from the aftermath of effects from the relationship, they believe the relationship, it's problems and it's demise were all her fault. She believes the pathological's propaganda and has a lot of remorse, guilt, and self depreciating thoughts about herself that 'if she only acted differently then so would he' and the relationship would be on better footing.

Let me ask you this...."If he had brain tumor would you feel responsible that his body produced a brain tumor? Would that be your responsibility?" I doubt it. People do feel bad that someone else got a brain tumor but they don't feel 'responsible' or 'to blame' because someone got a brain tumor.

The often shocking aspects of Cluster B personality disorders is that what is driving their behavior is not a brain tumor, but it is a brain disorder---in many, many forms. We expect that a brain disorder would be 'noticeable' to others. It is--in time. By the time the relationship ends, you DO know that there are behavior problems you just don't know how, why or where they are generated. Cluster B personality disorders carry with them an astounding array of problems stemming from the brain and their own neurology that are driving their impulsive, out of control behavior and distorted thinking processes.

Even a decade ago, we didn't have the information we have today about the wide reaching neuro problems associated with pathology and personality disorders. While for many years we may have 'suspected' a very physical reason for the behavior--the pathological lying, spending, cheating, violence, addiction, and other behavioral problems, we didn't have the concrete knowledge that is now generated from neuroscience, neurobiology, brain imaging, and other
brain studies.

Here is a tiny snippet of the kinds of information being generated about brain dysfunction in personality disorders. This in no way covers all of it--but it gives us some place to begin looking at it as being as much a medical brain syndrome as it is a psychological syndrome.

Genomics--molecular building blocks of DNA affected by pathology

Proteomics--location, interactions, structure, and proteins affected by pathology

Neurotransmitters affected

Hippocampus--part of the brain that is related to impulsivity affected by pathology

Amygdala--part of the brain that is related to impulsivity affected by pathology

Neuroinformatics -A library data base about thousands of different brains and what is unusual about them including pathological brains

Cellular signaling show involvement of genetics in pathology

Low levels of brain enzymes are related to violence

Genes on certain chromosomes create schizophrenia, bipolar, etc. New research wants to find out if it contributes to pathology.

Genetic vulnerability causes significant differences in neurological development in children with psychopathic tendencies.

The number of copies of different genes has already been linked with a variety of medical conditions and the expectation is that these copy number variants will be very significant in personality disorder research.

A complex array of varying genes underlies the many different outward manifestations of personality disorders which can be seen in early childhood despite a loving and stress free environment.

Stressful/abusive environments can push a milder case of personality disorders into a full blown active personality disorder.

Phenotype images the size and shapes of brain organs related to personality disorders.

Serotonin reception 5-HT plays a role in controlling offensive aggression (or not!)

The lack of transporter molecules predisposes people towards impulsivity, emotional instability, etc.

Polygeny (a single trait that can affect many genes) seems to underlie personality disorders.

Those who metabolize dopamine faster are at higher risks for anti social behavior.

An enzyme that helps break down dopamine and serotonin are linked to impulsive and aggressive behavior, substance abuse, criminal behavior.

MAO-A gene is linked to Cluster B personality disorders
Neural circuitry problems are related to trouble with reinforcement learning so they are not likely to learn from punishment, also related to impulse violence.

TPH brain enzyme is related to behavioral problems associated with anti social behavior.

MRI imaging shows that areas of the brain related to excitability respond differently in psychopaths.

Certain words cause psychopaths to respond differently than normal people (blood, sewer, hell, rape, etc.)

Some parts of the brain show higher activity in psychopaths, some areas lower activity in psychopaths.

Weak limbic regions of the brain in psychopaths cause them to grapple with emotional language.

Corpus callosum is different in psychopaths so they process information between brain hemispheres differently which effects interpersonal skills and low reactions to stress, high reactions to aggression and unregulated behavior.

The amygdale in psychopaths have less reaction to fight-flight responses, causes them to feel restless, spurring them on to raising hell just for the excitement value.

Slower neural reactions are related to their lack of fear which is also genetically based.

Lack of fear throttles the development of the conscience.

Orbitofrontal portion of the brain causes psychopaths to have trouble organizing their behavior, reduces their ability to control their impulses and the ability to learn from punishment.

Difficulty with abstract meanings like the word 'justice' generated from right brain quadrant, also problems with nonverbal cues related to emotions.

Dorsolateral Prefrontal Cortex affects some personality disorders ability to think logically and rationally.

The anterior cingulate cortex affects some personality disorders ability to fpcus on something they don't wish to hear thus being able to block what they want to hear, it also produces (or doesn't) the feelings of empathy.

The limbic system which is affected in some personality disorders negatively influences their ability to regulate their emotions through emotional reasoning.

The hippocampus is affected in some personality disorders which negatively impacts the emotional response system.

Hyperactive amygdalae cause intense and slowly subsiding emotions when they suffer even just a minor irritation. This can cause an overreaction to a minor constructive critcism.

Lowered serotonin levels in the brain affects increased impulsivity
Smaller size of right parietal lobe in some personality disorders.

Yeah, I know--that's a lot of science to wade through but maybe you get the point...you didn't break him and you can't fix him. This fascinating decade of science has answered so many questions for so many---people who can let go of the guilt and fantasy that what's wrong with him is merely 'willful behavior' or 'a bad attitude' or 'needs more counseling.' Personality disordered brains are different in their genetic make up, in their chemistry, their circuitry, regional brain development, their neurobiology and the list goes on. In fact, we are realizing so much of the brain is affected---in borderline personality disorder, in anti-social, in psychopathy--so much of Cluster B is traced now to significant brain impairment. (For more information read the book 'Evil Genes' available on our magazine).

www.saferelationshipsmagazine.com

For many years I have been teaching the 3 Inabilities related to pathology: The inability to grow to any great emotional depth, the inability to sustain positive change, and the inability to develop insight about how their behavior affects others. I developed these inabilities from 20 years in the field of providing services to the personality disordered. Although I suspected there was hard-wiring and hard science behind it, it wasn't until recently that I was finally

able to find out why the 3 Inabilities are actually correct and why they don't sustain positive change. It's not because they want to screw with your head....it's because of their head.

You didn't produce anything--you're not that influential to set up his genetic patterns. Sorry--you're not strong enough to 'will' his amygdala to change. Bad news here--you are not gonna 'love' his limbic region into correct functioning. ' And hate to break the news that all the 'Law of Attraction' books isn't gonna get his brain chemistry to be normal. And you might as well cancel the relationship counseling because being tolerant it isn't gonna change the size and function of various brain regions. If you stopped nagging or tried the relationship 'just one more time' it isn't going to alter his brain enzymes and neurotransmitters. Even Batterer Intervention groups aren't gonna change his corpus callosum and make it less aggressive.

He doesn't have a brain tumor that you are responsible for 'giving him.' He does have a brain disorder and you aren't responsible for that either--how his brain did and did not form. In the medical world, we seem to accept some of the disorders much more easily like Cystic Fibrosis or Mental Retardation--of course, you can often tell by looking at the person that something is wrong. But even in pathology, that too becomes evident...in time but not through external medical conditions but through relationships. And while it is odd, where we DO find the symptoms of psycho-pathology related to brain dysfunction is right in the middle of your relationship.

www.saferelationshipsmagazine.com

Song by a Narcissist - Wow!

2009-04-25T13:21:00.001-07:00

Sociopathic Weapons of Choice: A Post for My Ex's Victims Both Past and Present

2009-04-23T18:43:00.022-07:00

When I first learned that my ex had been diagnosed with NPD I desperately wanted to believe that something could be done and that he was on the "mild" end of some sort of sociopathic spectrum. As my research continues I've come to the conclusion that those who are most often considered mild sociopaths are simply sociopaths who don't want to get their hands dirty. They choose not to commit acts of physical violence. Instead they prefer emotional torture, which all too often results in the suicide of the sociopath's victim.

Since psychological aggression isn't considered a crime, and since sociopaths are experts at appearing blameless and upstanding, and since victims are often left feeling responsible for their own abuse, these emotional rapists are commonly dismissed as mild sociopaths who merely have "narcissistic traits" or "tendencies." (By the way, my ex was aware of his diagnosis when I met him. If he really believed this wasn't a problem he wouldn't have chosen to withhold this information.)

Sociopaths don't feel emotion the way normal people do, but they learn to mimic it by closely observing the behaviors and responses of others. If you ever felt like a lab rat in a maze with your N, know that you in fact were! He was learning how to direct you to the cheese and what kind to leave out for you. Sociopaths want to experience authentic emotion and many of them cause pain in others in the hope of feeling something, anything. But just as (Michael Fox points out) bodily torture isn't called physical persuasion. Likewise the harm caused by the psychological warfare waged by a sociopath isn't simply a matter of emotional manipulation or persuasion. It is emotional rape, the purpose of which is no different than bodily rape. Victims of sociopaths end up with PTSD symptoms exactly like any other victim of any other kind of torture.

So was my ex mild? Hell no!

Because he chooses not to destroy with his hands or hire an assassin does not mean that his weapon of choice is any less destructive or vicious. The trail of tortured souls he has left behind him, and continues to leave in his wake may not be bloody or bruised, but are just as real and every bit as damaged. Emotional assault is as devastating for victims and those that love them as any criminal assault. Unfortunately this weapon is legal and is (as was spousal rape in the past) considered socially acceptable.

The people currently forced to stay in my ex's life continue to be victimized. Some know what he is and are able to defend themselves to some degree, but are still being held as prisoners of war. Those he manages to captivate in future will be victimized until they are able to see behind the mask, hopefully make a clean escape, and begin the long road to recovery. My heart goes out to all of them... this post is for them.

love and hugs,

Laura

There is no hole in me...

2009-04-20T15:51:00.010-07:00

When it comes to experiencing victim blaming there is nothing like what I've experienced as a survivor of emotional rape. Before my emotional rape, I survived both date rape and domestic violence and the inevitable victim blaming that comes with it. But since both those behaviors are considered criminal, the blame stops short of trying to convince the victim that she is somehow inherently flawed. Not true as a survivor or emotional rape (sociopathy). Along with some of my family members and close friends, who all have their version of why or how I could have prevented my emotional rape from happening, my ex's ex wife insists that there is some kind of hole in me which inadvertently caused my abuse. This post is for her...

Dear O,

There is no hole in me. After months of intensive research and consulting with several experts, I know that every normal human being is vulnerable to sociopaths. This is because, as Michael Fox (author of Emotional Rape Syndrome) points out, emotional rapists (malignant narcissists/sociopaths) exploit the four most primary human needs: health, achievement, love and faith. In the case of a man - woman relationship love is the primary (though not only) target for exploitation.

He explains that there are four basic ingredients that make emotional rape (the victimization by a sociopath) possible. They are:

1. The reality that every normal human being absolutely NEEDS achievement, love, faith and health in combination, usually in that order, to survive.

2. We are powerless in the face of these needs. We simply cannot make ourselves be okay in the absence of one or more of them.

3. Bad-call bias: It is human nature to believe as true what we wish were true. This is the case in all human activities, not just relationships. He gives the example of scientific errors based on wishing or wanting a result to be true. These errors are usually driven by the need for achievement. In the case of love it is almost impossible for us to believe that someone we love, and who we believe loves us really doesn't.

4. Evil exists and the actions of malignant narcissists are evil because they aim to destroy (or at least reduce) the victim's access to her primary needs. He does this by first becoming the soul "provider" of them and then stripping them away little by little.

If humans didn't need to achieve, be loved, strive for purpose or be healthy, i.e. if we had the power to simply dismiss our needs as optional, and if we could always see the actions and intentions of others as they truly are and not as we would like them, sociopaths would have absolutely no power over us whatever. Sociopaths know this.

There is nothing wrong with me. No hole to fill! No co-dependent or unusual need that led me to be more easily victimized by my ex sociopath than anyone else. In fact, like many victims, I was and am a trained expert in avoiding the bad-call bias. It can happen to ANYONE and it does. It happens to normal healthy humans who, like all other normal healthy humans NEED love, faith, achievement and health - all of which my ex provided for in abundance and then robbed me off little by little over time.

Saying "No" to emotional rape isn't easy or simple. It's saying "No" to something that controls your needs, thoughts and perceptions. It has nothing to do with being co-dependent, co-narcissist or having some sort of hole that needs to be filled.

As long as you believe there is some flaw, inadequacy or hole in you, you will never heal from emotional rape. As long as you continue to try to take "ownership of" or accept your "responsibility for" or "part in" what happened to you, you will continue to be a victim. Only after coming to terms with the fact that someone took advantage of your basic humanness and that short of becoming an android there's nothing you could have done to prevent it, will you cross the line to become a survivor. I am not to blame for what happened to me. I know this... and it is only now I can begin to heal.

love and hugs,

Laura

The Emotional Rape Syndrome: How to Survive and Avoid It by Michael Fox PhD

2009-04-17T13:02:00.005-07:00

I highly recommend this book for all survivors.

Excerpts:

We have a natural tendency to accept responsibility for what happens to us because we want to believe we are always in full control of our lives. When bad things happen, rather than admit they might have occurred because of some outside, non-controllable, set of circumstances,we prefer to believe our own actions were the cause. We blame ourselves. (p. 19)
Why not simply identify relationships such as Steve's and Ellen's as "exploitative relationships"? The answer is readily apparent: For the same reason we don't call torture a form of physical persuasion. Rape is the only word which adequately conveys the trauma experienced by the victim; one of the few words in our language, as one writer astutely observed, "with the power to summon a shared image of a horrible crime." (p. 10)
In sexual rape the words "without consent" refer to the victim having withheld something, having not freely agreed to sex. In contrast it is the perpetrator, the rapist who withholds something in emotional rape, employing deceit to conceal his or her true motives. If sexual rape is the violation of the human body, emotional rape is the violation of the human soul. (p. 12)
In contrast [to physical rape], almost all cases of emotional rape are perfectly legal. The emotional rapist may even be widely admired. It's a telling commentary on society's moral priorities that a person who exploits someone's affections for personal gain...might well be considered a shrewd entrepreneur rather than a villain. (p. 14)
Victims of emotional rape can't psychologically protect themselves from feelings of isolation by attributing what happened to the abhorrent and exceptional behavior of one individual, as a victim of stranger rape might be able to do. Instead, more like the victims of date rape, they may begin to question themselves, doubting their own judgment and values. In some instances they may will be encouraged to embark on this process of self blame. (p. 15)
Friends, family members, and even some professional counselors often make well-meaning, but potentially extremely damaging, observations; something along the lines of

"What is it about you which is attracted to to a person like that?"
or
"How did you fail to see what he/she was up to?" (p. 15)

As a result victims of emotional rape invariably come to see themselves as responsible for what happened. The do not recognize that what happened to them was rape, rather they rationalize that it was simply and instance of personal failing. This is a destructive fallacy. (p. 15)

More later...

love and hugs, Laura

Happy Birthday to Me!

2009-04-16T22:15:00.004-07:00

It is 10:15 pm and I just realized today is my ex's 46th birthday. It was only after being reminded that it was another friend's (who shares the same birthday) birthday that I remembered. Although I am feeling much better about life in general, this is the first tangible sign I've had that makes me believe he won't always haunt me. So why do I feel a twinge of guilt and sadness about it. Hmmm...

love and hugs,

Laura

I had a dream... by Bryan Erskine

2009-03-31T13:28:00.003-07:00

An amazing piece to inspire closure and forgiveness by my friend and fellow survivor Bryan Erskine...

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I had a dream.

I was walking along the beach and there you were, sitting on a rock with your bare feet in the water. You were wearing your long white skirt, and your hoop earrings were gleaming beneath your hair. You looked every inch the beautiful Gypsy Princess

I'd met all those years ago.

You seemed pleased to see me and smiled.

Yet suddenly, you froze, as if time was standing still.

We were like we were before the crazy times. Before the fighting, the storming out, the breaking glasses. Before all the hatred and bad feeling. I sat down next to you as you stared into the distance, unblinking.

'I know that you remember me,' I said. 'I've come to make peace with you.' You didn't move. I picked up a piece of seaweed to absent-mindedly play with as I spoke.

'There is a lot of things left unsaid,' I continued. 'I know what you are, and why you tried to break me. You nearly did it, you know?'

There was still no response,

'I understand now how empty you are, and how I was just a mirror - an object to see yourself in, to prove to yourself that you exist. I want you to know that I never forgot the person I thought you were, or the person I really am. I want you to know that the day I came to your house, I still thought that those people could be together - but a new mirror answered the door.

You see, I had this crazy idea that if I left it just long enough, we could have left all the madness behind. I'm sorry for all I did. I'm also sorry that you can't face up to your own part in it all, because of what you are.'

I gazed at your beautiful, unmoving face and then turned my head to the Ocean.

Our ocean.

For a moment, I was back there, where we drank wine and watched the sun set. The place where we ate our chips and made each other laugh. The place where we made our dreams, dreams that answered my prayers and promised to last forever. I could feel the warm sun on my face, and hear the sounds of the sea. Dreams can be very real if you want them to be, but a dream can just as easily be a mirage - a cruel trick that can make you run to cool water that isn't really there.

Suddenly, you snapped. Cracks began to appear in your porcelain skin.

'What do you mean, Bryan?' you shouted.

'You abused me! You bullied me.. and then you left!'

I smiled to myself and looked down to the pebbles in the sand. I knew that there was no point in trying to get you to see things differently. I knew that I had heard it all before, about the mirror before me - the one that broke. I knew that the new mirror believed it about me too. Mutual hatred is a useful tool to draw someone in with, but true love doen't need hate in order to fly.

I stood up.

'I'm sorry that you never really knew love,' I said. 'You know.. you could only have done what you did to me because I can.'

Standing there, I could see you for what you really were - a wounded soul that needs to destroy in order to live. You were still beautiful as all predators are.

'I will never forget you, but I can forgive you', I said.

After all, it was forgiveness that had set me free. I smiled at you one last time and walked away. The beach was all mine now, as it had really been all along.

For all those sociopaths who believe that models really look like that!

2009-03-29T10:38:00.005-07:00

Best book I've come across yet...

2009-03-29T10:25:00.004-07:00

NPD/Sociopathy/Psychopathy same predator in varying sheep's wool...

A MUST read!

hugs and love,
Laura

Monsters vs. Aliens

2009-03-29T09:29:00.004-07:00

Last night my ex's son and his mom went to see Monsters vs. Aliens. This film is not only entertaining, but offers deep lessons on NPD and Sociopathy. I highly recommend seeing it. Without going into detail about the movie (I don't want to spoil it!) the following is a conversation my ex's son and his mom had at the end of the movie.

Mom lightheartedly comments, "Wow, I sure have known some Dereks in my life!"

Ex's son rolls his eyes and replies, "Yep, Daddy..."

This remarkable boy, with the help of his amazing mother gets it already! When Mom asked him to explain why he said that, he replied, "Oh Mom, it's a long story. I don't have the words for it now. I'll have to explain it to you when I'm older."

I can't tell you the joy I felt hearing this story. He's going to be okay! :D

hugs and love,
Laura

David Baldwin's Trauma Information Pages

2009-02-21T21:24:00.001-07:00

These Trauma Pages focus primarily on emotional trauma and traumatic stress, including PTSD (Post-traumatic Stress Disorder) and dissociation, whether following individual traumatic experience(s) or a large-scale disaster. The purpose of this award winning site is to provide information for clinicians and researchers in the traumatic-stress field. Specifically, my interests here include both clinical and research aspects of trauma responses and their resolution. For example:

What goes on biologically in the brain during traumatic experience and its resolution?
Which psychotherapeutic procedures are most effective with traumatic symptoms, for which patients and why?
How can we best measure clinical efficacy and treatment outcome for trauma survivor populations?

Supportive resources supplement the more academic or research information of interest to clinicians, researchers, and students. I do realize that these are not mutually exclusive groups.

Continuously online for eleven years - since May 19, 1995 (a month after the Oklahoma City bombing), this site has welcomed 1,299,574 visits (464 today). Please check back, and enjoy exploring the extensive trauma resources available on this site!

Site Overview

About Trauma: Narrative: "Traumatic events shake the foundations of our beliefs, and may shatter our trust..."
Trauma Articles: Full-text articles on traumatic stress, including dissociation, diagnosis and treatment issues.
Trauma Resources: Research-related trauma resources: online databases, organizations, treatment approaches...
Trauma Support: Supportive resources on specific types of trauma, treatment & related mental health issues...
Disaster Mental Health: Mental health handouts, guidelines & links to help validate or normalize disaster responses...
Trauma Bookstore: Recommended trauma books for professionals & survivors -- please help support this site.
Links: ...about PTSD & trauma, EEG & neuroscience, psychology, research, medical & other topics.
About David Baldwin: ... the Trauma Pages' psychologist author/editor: clinical practice, speaking, consulting, etc.

Feel free to email comments or suggestions to David Baldwin, PhD

Yes, he is a Sociopath!

2009-02-15T01:59:00.005-07:00

I found the following on a Sociopath group on Facebook... I agree with the experts who claim that sociopathy and NPD are one in the same. I definitely am the survivor of a sociopath!

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WHEN YOU SAY THE WORD "sociopath" most people think of serial killers. But although many serial killers are sociopaths, there are far more sociopaths leading ordinary lives. Chances are you know a sociopath. I say "ordinary lives," but what they do is far from ordinary. Sociopaths are people without a conscience. They don't have the normal empathy the rest of us take for granted. They don't feel affection. They don't care about others. But most of them are good observers, and they have learned how to mimic those feelings remarkably well.

Most people with a conscience find it very difficult to even imagine what it would be like to be without one. Combine this with a sociopath's efforts to blend in, and what you get is most sociopaths go undetected. The reason this is a problem is that they wreak havoc on their family, on people they work with, and on anyone who tries to be their friend. A sociopath deceives, takes what he wants, and hurts people without any remorse. Sociopaths don't feel guilty. They don't feel sorry for what they've done. They go through life taking what they want and giving nothing back. They manipulate and deceive and convincingly lie without the slightest second thought. They leave a path of confusion and upset in their wake.

Researchers have found that the brains of sociopaths function differently than normal people. And their brains function in a way that makes their emotional life unredeemably shallow. And yet they are capable of mimicking emotions like professional actors.

Sociopaths and psychopaths are the same thing. The original name for this disorder was "psychopath" but the general public and media confused it with "psycho" and "psychotic" so in the 1930s the name was changed to sociopath. Recently the media again caused a misperception that sociopaths were always serial killers, so now many call the condition "antisocial personality disorder (ASPD)." But some experts think ASPD includes many things like narcissism, paranoia, etc. And also including sociopathy. And others think ASPD is the same thing as sociopathy, but the diagnostic criteria used to describe and diagnose ASPD is different than sociopathy, so for the purposes of this article, we'll stay with the term "sociopathy."

Sociopaths don't have normal affection with other people. They don't feel attached to others. They don't feel love. And that is why they don't have a conscience. If you harmed someone, even someone you didn't know, you would feel guilt and remorse. Why? Because you have a natural affinity for other human beings. You know how it feels to suffer, to fear, to feel anguish. You care about others. And if you hurt someone you love, the guilt and remorse would be very bad because of your affection for him or her. Take that attachment and affection away and you take away remorse, guilt, and any kind of normal feelings of fairness. That's a sociopath.

HOW COMMON ARE THEY?
Some researchers say only about one percent of the general population are sociopaths. Others put the figure at three or four percent. The reason the estimates vary is first of all, not everyone has been tested, of course, but also because sociopathy is a sliding scale. A person can be very sociopathic or only slightly, and anywhere in between. It is a continuum. So how sociopathic does someone have to be before you call them sociopathic? That's a tough question and it is why the estimates vary.

But clearly sociopaths are fairly common and not easy to detect. Even when the evidence is staring you in the face, you may have difficulty admitting that someone you know, someone you trusted, even someone you love, is a sociopath. But the sooner you admit it, the faster your life can return to normal. Face the facts and you may save yourself a lot of suffering.

Profile of a Sociopath:

Glibness and Superficial Charm

Manipulative and Conning
They never recognize the rights of others and see their self-serving behaviors as permissible. They appear to be charming, yet are covertly hostile and domineering, seeing their victim as merely an instrument to be used. They may dominate and humiliate their victims.

Grandiose Sense of Self
Feels entitled to certain things as "their right."

Pathological Lying
Has no problem lying coolly and easily and it is almost impossible for them to be truthful on a consistent basis. Can create, and get caught up in, a complex belief about their own powers and abilities. Extremely convincing and even able to pass lie detector tests.

Lack of Remorse, Shame or Guilt
A deep seated rage, which is split off and repressed, is at their core. Does not see others around them as people, but only as targets and opportunities. Instead of friends, they have victims and accomplices who end up as victims. The end always justifies the means and they let nothing stand in their way.

Shallow Emotions
When they show what seems to be warmth, joy, love and compassion it is more feigned than experienced and serves an ulterior motive. Outraged by insignificant matters, yet remaining unmoved and cold by what would upset a normal person. Since they are not genuine, neither are their promises.

Incapacity for Love

Need for Stimulation
Living on the edge. Verbal outbursts and physical punishments are normal. Promiscuity and gambling are common.

Callousness/Lack of Empathy
Unable to empathize with the pain of their victims, having only contempt for others' feelings of distress and readily taking advantage of them.

Poor Behavioral Controls/Impulsive Nature
Rage and abuse, alternating with small expressions of love and approval produce an addictive cycle for abuser and abused, as well as creating hopelessness in the victim. Believe they are all-powerful, all-knowing, entitled to every wish, no sense of personal boundaries, no concern for their impact on others.

Early Behavior Problems/Juvenile Delinquency
Usually has a history of behavioral and academic difficulties, yet "gets by" by conning others. Problems in making and keeping friends; aberrant behaviors such as cruelty to people or animals, stealing, etc.

Irresponsibility/Unreliability
Not concerned about wrecking others' lives and dreams. Oblivious or indifferent to the devastation they cause. Does not accept blame themselves, but blames others, even for acts they obviously committed.

Promiscuous Sexual Behavior/Infidelity
Promiscuity, child sexual abuse, rape and sexual acting out of all sorts.

Lack of Realistic Life Plan/Parasitic Lifestyle
Tends to move around a lot or makes all encompassing promises for the future, poor work ethic but exploits others effectively.

Criminal or Entrepreneurial Versatility
Changes their image as needed to avoid prosecution.
Changes in Name
Changes life story readily.

WHAT DO THEY WANT?

This is an interesting question. Of course most people have purposes that are strongly influenced by our connections and affections with others. Our relationships with others, and our love for them, give us most of the meaning in life. So if a sociopath doesn't have these things, what is left? What kind of purposes do they have? The answer is chilling: They want to win. Take away love and relationships and all you have left is winning the game, whatever the game is decided to be. If they are in business, it is becoming rich. If it is sibling rivalry, it is defeating the sibling. If it is a contest, the goal is to dominate. If a sociopath is the envious sort, winning would be making the other lose, or fail, or be frustrated, or embarrassed.

A sociopath's goal is to win. And he is willing to do anything at all to win. And sociopaths have nothing else to think about, so they can be very clever and conniving. Sociopaths are not busy being concerned with relationships or moral dilemmas or conflicting feelings, so they have much more time to think about clever ways to gain your trust and stab you in the back, and how do it without anyone knowing what's happening.

One of the questions above was about boredom. This is a real problem for sociopaths and they seem fanatically driven to prevent boredom. The reason it looms so large for them (and seems so strange to us) is that our relationships with people occupy a good amount of our time and attention. Take that away and all you have is "playing to win" which is rather shallow and empty in comparison. So boredom is a constant problem for sociopaths and they have an incessant urge to keep up a level of stimulation, even negative stimulation (drama, worry, upset, etc.).

And here I might mention that the research shows sociopaths don't feel emotions the same way normal people do. For example, they don't experience fear as unpleasant. This goes a long way to explaining the inexplicable behavior you'll see in sociopaths. Some feelings that you and I might find intolerable might not bother them at all.

HOW TO DEAL WITH A SOCIOPATH

There is no known cure or therapy for sociopathy. In fact, some evidence suggests that therapy makes them worse because they use it to learn more about human vulnerabilities they can then exploit. They learn how to manipulate better and they learn better excuses that others will believe. Given all that, there is only one solution for dealing with a sociopath: Get him or her completely out of your life for good. This seems radical, and of course, you want to be fairly sure your diagnosis is correct, but you need to protect yourself from the drain on your time, attention, money, and good attitude. Healing or helping a sociopath is a pointless waste of your life. That is not your mission. That's not your responsibility. You have your own goals, and those are your responsibility. I don't recommend you tell anyone you have diagnosed someone as a sociopath. In fact, I strongly urge you not to. I don't even know if it's a good idea to tell anyone about your conclusion. Just get the sociopath out of your life with as little fanfare as you can. The only exception I would make to this rule is if the sociopath is making someone else's life a living hell, it seems wrong to leave them to the wolves while you slink off. I don't recommend you try to convince your friend they are dealing with a sociopath. I recommend that you simply say you got a lot of insight from this or that book or whatever, and let your friend draw they're own conclusions. It is not your mission to save your friend, either. Tell them what you know and if they ignore you, that's they're problem, not yours.

If this all sounds cold or heartless, maybe you're not dealing with a sociopath, or maybe she or he hasn't driven you to the point of madness (yet). But remember what the solution is; you may someday need it.

And besides, the point of all this dismal information is so you no longer need to think about such negative things and so you can turn your attention to positive, life-affirming, uplifting goals of your own.

How Do We Heal? - by Kathleen Hawk

2009-02-10T22:52:00.006-07:00

This link goes to a sevem part article on healing from a relationship with an NPD/sociopath. Lovefraud.com has strict rules on reproduction, so I won't reprint anything here, but this is seriously a MUST READ for all survivors.

Part I: The Path

Part II: Painful Shock

Part III: Denial

Part IV: Bargaining

Part V: Getting Angry

Part VI: Getting Over Not Getting Angry

Part VII: Letting Go

love & hugs,
Laura

Free Will, Coersion and Consent - Laura's Master Thesis

2009-02-07T12:24:00.012-07:00

I am currently finishing up a masters degree in philosophy. I am ABD (All But Defense), which basically means I need to write and defend a thesis. Originally my thesis topic was "Sexual Consent." This isn't a typical philosophical paper topic and I wasn't quite sure where I would take it.

My personal experiences with NPD and sociopathy have moved my thinking toward the philosophical debate surrounding the existence of Free Will and how consent fits into this existential question.

My own victimization included an underlying sensation of losing myself and my ability to maintain my own convictions and desires. I became him, or at least an extension of him. My extensive research on NPD shows that this experience is universal for VoN's and that what we've experienced is a kind of Stockholm Syndrome brainwashing. The more survivors of N-abuse that I come in contact with, the more familiar I become with just how similar our experiences are. The main question for my thesis is whether or not informed consent, or any kind of consent can be freely given in circumstances of emotional or physical abuse.

Several weeks ago I posted that I intend to apply to law school to "defend victims of abuse." and pointed out how upside down that concept seems. Why on earth should victims need to be defended? That question has led me to a plethora of research on a new brand of blaming victims for their own abuse (also previously posted on) based on the premise that survivors should take responsibility for consenting to the relationship.

Another N-survivor recently pointed me to a book called, Stalking the Soul: Emotional Abuse and the Erosion of Identity written by Marie-France Hirigoyen, from which I offer some excerpts below. Hirigoyen is a Victimologist. When I saw this neologism I first thought, oh brother another "ism." But Victimology is a legitimate and important branch of psychology and criminology that is widely recognized and respected. Hirigoyen recommends that anyone dealing with survivors study victimology. She specifically mentions lawyers. " A degree in victimology can be of particular interest to professionals in the field of helping victims: emergency-trained doctors, psychiatrists, psychotherapists, and lawyers." (Hirigoyen p. 9) I intend to seek out as many relevant resources as possible before applying to law school.

Excerpts from Stalking the Soul*

It is effectively possible to destabilize or even destroy someone with seemingly harmless words and hints, inferences, and unspoken suggestions; usually those close to the situation will not intervene. A narcissistic abuser grows in stature at he expense of the other; he also avoids any inner or spiritual conflict by shifting responsibility for what is wrong onto the other person. If the other is responsible for the problem, wrong doing, guilt, and suffering don't exist. This defines emotional abuse. (p. 5)
In order to satisfy their insatiable need for admiration and approval, these individuals must degrade others to acquire first self-esteem, and then power. Because they are not concerned with relationships, they show no compassion or respect for others. To respect a person is to value their humanity and acknowledge the suffering we can inflict upon them. (pp. 5-6)
Psychiatric illness does not cause abusiveness. It arises from dispassionate rationality combined with an incapacity to respect others as human beings. (p. 7)
Whether the subject is serial killing or pervasive abusiveness, the matter remains one of predatory behavior: an act consisting in the appropriation of another person's life. (p. 7)
...predators first paralyze their victims in order to prevent any possible counter attack. The lack of defense mechanisms keeps the victims from understanding what is happening to them. (p. 8)
There are fairly innocuous manipulative tricks that leave behind traces of bitterness or shame at having been duped, but there are much more serious manipulations that affect a victim's core identity and become a matter of life or death. Emotional abusers directly endanger their victims; indirectly, they lead those around them to lose sight of their moral guideposts and to believe that freewheeling behaviors at the expense of others are the norm. (pp. 8-9)
Even if a victim's reactions to emotional abuse contribute to a sustained, even seemingly equal, relationship with the aggressor, one must not forget that this person suffers from a situation for which he or she is not responsible. (p. 9)
There are individuals whose road through life is strewn with people they have wounded or irreparably damaged. This doesn't prevent them from fooling most people and from seeming to be totally adjusted social beings. (p. 14)
The most intimate other will become the subject of the greatest abuse because too much closeness can terrify the aggressor. A narcissistic individual imposes control on his partner in order to hold her back, while simultaneously fearing her closeness and invasiveness. In order to maintain complete power over her, she must be kept in a dependent or even proprietary relationship. The partner mired in doubt and guilt cannot react. (p. 15)
The unspoken message is "I don't love you," but it remains indirect and hidden so the other won't leave. The partner must stay put and be permanently frustrated; she must be prevented from thinking on her own and becoming aware of the process. (p. 15)
The narcissistic abuser introduces the element of control to paralyze his partner by putting her in a situation of uncertainty. Keeping her within limits and at a safe distance avoids commitment to a relationship he fears. By stifling and subjecting her, he forces her to submit to what he most dreads and must avoid at all costs: invasiveness by another person. (p. 16)
He wants her to be financially independent but submissive at the same time; if not, he agonizes and rejects her...When she talks at dinner, he rolls his eyes. At first she says to herself, "What I just said must be idiotic!" and then she begins to progressively censor herself. (p. 18)
It would be simpler if [the aggressor] were an absolute monster, but he was once a tender lover. [The victim believes he now] acts like this because he is not well. He can change, She will therefore change him. (p. 19)
An individual with idealistic ideas about marriage carries on an apparently normal relationship with his partner until the day he has to choose between this relationship and a new one. Abuse will grow in proportion to yesterday's idealism. It is impossible to accept responsibility for a failure of this kind. The partner is held responsible when love is withdrawn because she has committed an unnamed fault. The denial of love is acted upon although verbally denied. (p. 21)
Recognizing this manipulative behavior leaves the victim in a state of terrible anxiety she cannot get rid of alone. At this stage, victims experience shame as well as anger: shame at not being loved, shame at having accepted humiliation, and shame that what they have submitted to and undergone. (p. 21)
He very skillfully provides a mirror for [the victim's] insecurities...He knows she doubts. (p. 23)
He attacks with small, unsettling jabs, preferably in public, where it's difficult for her to react. When she tries to talk about it later, he coldly says that she bears grudges and makes mountains out of molehills. (p. 23)
[He] never raises his voice; he only displays an icy hostility that he subsequently denies if the matter is brought up. [p. 25]
An abuser needs to turn his previous partner into a scapegoat and project everything bad onto her in order to idealize the new love object and establish the relationship. Any obstacle standing in the way must be destroyed. For love to exist, there must be hate somewhere. The new relationship is founded on hatred of the previous partner. (pp. 29-30)
[The victim believes] that if [he] rejects her, it's because she's "not good enough" to live up to his expectations. On the contrary, with abusive individuals, love must be split off and surrounded by hate. (p. 30)
The goal of abusive conduct is to destabilize the other person and make them doubt themselves and others. Anything goes in order to achieve this end: lies, improbabilities, innuendos. (p. 31)

The Seduction

[A]n emotionally abusive relationship goes through two phases: (1) identity erosion, and (2) open violence....The first phase , which psychoanalyst P.C. Racamier has termed "brainwashing," can take place over several years. It builds progressively through a seduction process at he beginning of the relationship. The victim is destabilized and gradually loses self-confidence during this initial phase. (p. 89)
The seductive process consists not only in overpoweringly winning over the person, but also corrupting and suborning her. The manipulator bypasses reality, operating secretly and by surprise. He attacks underhandedly, gaining the admiration of another person, who is dazzled by him and sends back to him a positive image. (p. 89)
Narcissistic seduction confuses and erodes the boundaries of one's own identity and that of another individual. This is not the world of transference--for example, when a lover's idealization, in order to sustain passion, refuses to acknowledge any shortcomings in the beloved--but a world of incorporation where the objective is to destroy. The other person's presence is considered threatening, not complimentary. (p. 90)
The period of influence consists in leading someone, with out argument, to think, make decisions, and behave other than she would spontaneously on her own. During the "seductive stalking" period, the targeted person is unable to freely consent a priori because her sensibilities and vulnerabilities are influenced and manipulated. As in any manipulative process, the victim must first be made to believe she is free, even when she is insidiously deprived of the freedom to act. There can be no question of a discussion between equals; the abuser must subtly impose himself while preventing the other from becoming aware of the process and from discussing or resisting it. (p. 90)
The victim's ability to defend herself is withdrawn, and her judgment is negated, thereby eliminating any possibility of rebellion. (p. 90)
The victim is caught in a spiderweb, held captive at an other's disposal, bound psychologically, and anesthetized. She is completely unconscious of what's happened. (p. 91)
Little by little, victims see their resistance and potential to oppose eaten away. They lose all critical ability. Prevented from reacting, literally "shattered," they are made accomplices to their own oppression. This has nothing whatsoever to do with consent.

More later...

love and hugs,
Laura

*I have made a conscious decision to change many of the she's to he's in the quoted text for ease of clarity. As bulleted items they are almost impossible to follow the way the author strayed back and forth in the original text.

That said, my thesis will consistently use the masculine pronoun to designate the N and the female pronoun the VoN because most N's are, in fact, male and because there is the added component of genuine male social power. I will never deny that women are N's and that they cause a great deal of destruction. But generally speaking female N behavior differs given the reality of social power, and their abuse is more ofen directed toward children. Therefore when talking about N romantic relationships I will generally stick to this format, but it is conscious and not accidental, just as I always use "she" as the general pronoun when writing academic papers.

My Healing Song - Finally

2009-02-05T22:29:00.006-07:00

Reclaiming Rainbows

2009-02-05T12:43:00.009-07:00

Moving to Tucson was the best decision I've ever made. Here I sit, unemployed and alone, but in most ways very happy. I'm certainly not completely healed, nor will I ever look at the world the same way again, and I still find it impossible to trust completely, but my life is my own and I am loving the person I am re-becoming.

I've had a number of requests to make my blog public again, so I have recently removed all identifying information. This blog is a place for me to explore what happened to me, but I also want to help others navigate the labyrinth of emotions that come with surviving emotional abuse. If this profile sounds familiar to you please feel free to contact me.

I am reclaiming much of what was stolen from me and finding parts of me I never knew existed. A silver lining can be found in the darkest of all clouds... rainbows shine underneath.

Hugs and love,
Laura

The transformation

2009-01-08T19:45:00.000-07:00

Adicolor Pink

Narcissist AND Sociopath!

2008-12-25T22:19:00.011-07:00

In a previous post I mentioned that during one of my sessions, my therapist said she believes that because he exploits others for his own gain or pleasure, my ex is not only a malignant narcissist, but a sociopath as well. After a great deal of research, I am now 100% convinced that she was correct. The following is an excerpt from an article by Steven Becker LSCW is one of many I've found on this topic. His argument successfully erases the fuzzy line that separates the two pathologies. Full article can be found by clicking on the title. - Laura

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The Single Most Powerful Signifier of Sociopathy

"...It is a high level of exploitiveness that most singularly exposes the sociopath.

Now exploitiveness is also associated with the narcissistic personality. For this reason extremely destructive (“malignant”) narcissists can be hard to distinguish from sociopaths. Still, a high level of exploitiveness is rarely the single best signifier of narcissistic personality disorder, whereas it is, I suggest, the best single indicator of sociopathy....

Now it is true that empathic individuals will generally be nonexploitive. Why? Because their empathy will prove a deterrent against exploitative impulses or ideas. Empathy, in other words, surely is a powerful deterrent against exploitation....

However, exploitation and remorselessness go hand in hand. The essence of exploitation is the intentional violation of another’s vulnerability. The exploiter knows, on some level, that his behavior is exploitive.

By definition, the exploiter is grossly indifferent to the damaging effect of his behavior on his victim. All that matters is his perceived gain, his demanded, greedy satisfaction. There is indifference to the loss and damage to others resulting from his self-centered, aggressive behaviors...."

Are We Gluttons for Punishment? - The Pathologizing of the Victims of N's

2008-12-23T21:08:00.005-07:00

From What Makes Narcissists Tick - by Kathy Krajko

Conventional wisdom says that many ask Must I leave him? because they are "codependent" or "inverted narcissists." That is a fancy way of saying that they are gluttons for punishment, that they get some masochistic pleasure out of being abused. The line is that they seek out narcissistic mates. In other words, they are mentally ill themselves.

There is such a thing as the "martyr complex." But it doesn't apply to an abusive relationship with a narcissist. A person with a martyr complex isn't really abused and doesn't seek real abuse. He or she likes to imagine themselves abused and portray themselves as abused. There's a big difference between that and seeking real abuse!

Yet the victims of narcissists are relentlessly re-victimized (for the sin of having been victimized) by this irrationale for blaming the victim called "codependence." Not only is it unresearched psychobabble masquerading as science, but by now, everyone should know that any explanation that blames the victim should be viewed with healthy skepticism. Why? Because it is anti-logical.

Remember that society used to blame the victim for rape, racism, and every other form of abuse. Different forms of blaming the victim pass in and out of vogue, but blaming the victim is as old as the Bible (illness or misfortune was punishment for sin) and goes on forever. It starts in the schoolyard and continues in the workplace.

Every time the big guy hits on a little one, everyone agrees that the little guy "asked for it." Nobody ever asks, "Now why would he do that?" For, they readily believe that the little guy is so stupid or crazy as to have poked his finger into that big guy's eye. But if you try to say that the big guy just attacked without being provoked, they never fail to skeptically ask, "Now why would he do that?" See the double standard?

Some things never change: anything to blame the victim. Anything.

Here's how this codependency "theory" (pseudoscience) goes: If you have a relationship with a narcissist, your parents abused you as a child and you now subconsciously try to control your narcissist through cunning enabling behaviors to make him or her abuse you, too.

See "The Codependency Idea: When Caring Becomes a Disease," by Robert Westermeyer, Ph.D.

This popular construct is shunned by research psychologists and behaviorally-oriented clinical psychologists particularly for it's lack of empirical support. The allure of codependency is demonstrated by the sales of books on the topic (the only resources on codependency come from self-help sections and fluffy journals). Millions of codependency books have been sold over the past ten years. ...codependent, or co-alcoholic, was originally defined in the late 1970s and early 1980s to help families and spouses of individuals with alcohol and drug problems. ...The idea was that the caring behavior manifested by family members and spouses actually "enabled" the addict to continue using. ...Unfortunately, from the mid eighties to the present, the codependency idea has become bastardized, and with each new self-help book the symptoms of codependency mount. It is literally impossible for anyone walking the planet, with a fourth grade English reading capacity, to finish one of these books and not consider the possibility that he or she is a codependent. ...Not only is all caring manifested by the spouse of an alcoholic deemed pathological, but the very act of compromising one's needs to aid a loved one is now deemed symptomatic of a progressive disease processes, a relationship addiction.

[...]

I've read a fair amount of what the popular press has bequeathed upon us regarding the codependency idea. The three books I scrutinized the most were the most popular. ...Below is my understanding of these authors' conceptualizations:

Codependency is a progressive disease brought about by child abuse, which takes the form of anything "less than nurturing." Codependency is epidemic (maybe all of us are codependent) and defines a vast array of psychological and physical symptoms. The caring manifested by codependents is an unconscious effort to keep repressed pain at bay, and the codependent actually contributes to the addictive behavior of their loved ones by enabling. Enabling keeps the loved one addicted so the codependent can go on caring to gain a sense of self worth. Recovery from codependency requires drastic attitude and lifestyle change (Detachment) and a lifelong commitment to the 12-step regime.

[...]

Codependency is a nebulous idea, born not of science but of the gut feelings of counselors and frustrated lay people. It's black and white requirements for recovery, though seeming reasonable on the surface, are not in line with empirical research and have dangerous implications with regard to the most human of attributes, caring.

See also: Scott O. Lilienfeld, Ph.D., Scientific Review of Mental Health Practice

The past several decades have seen a virtual explosion in the use of controversial and poorly studied psychiatric labels, such as codependency, sexual addiction, road rage disorder, infanticide syndrome, parental alienation syndrome, premenstrual dysphoric disorder, and Munchausen's syndrome (factitious disorder) by proxy (see Mart, this issue). Although some of these labels may ultimately be shown to be predictively useful, many are of undemonstrated validity (McCann, Shindler, & Hammond, in press). Nevertheless, such labels are commonly invoked by mental health professionals as scientific explanations of problematic behavior and are introduced by them into courts of law with increasing frequency. In still other cases, there are serious concerns that some psychiatric conditions (e.g., dissociative identity disorder, known formerly as multiple personality disorder) are being substantially overdiagnosed in certain settings.

Saying that a mate reluctant to leave a narcissist is codependent ignores the countless ways that normal people can end up in a crucible, through no fault of their own.

For example, much of what we know about narcissism has come from families in which the poisoned fruit ripened during the last fifteen-to-twenty years. These families were formed after World War II, when there was a shortage of men, and women alone could not support themselves. Doubtless, many women settled for husbands they would not settle for in today's world. Divorce was both financially unfeasible and taboo. Also, if a woman has a narcissistic father, she has no way of knowing that all men are not like that. She has been raised to view his dissatisfaction with her as her fault and to put up with being treated as inferior. She also has feelings abused from early childhood. Bruised feelings. So they are more sensitive than most people's feelings. Narcissists target women like this as easy prey because their self-esteem is easy to puncture.

Narcissists need not be exceptionally intelligent, but they are exceptionally experienced, because they have been playing this game since childhood. So they are diabolical. Therefore, unless a narcissist is manifestly brilliant, he is bound to be underestimated and thought incapable of cunning and duplicity. It is amazing how little suspicion he arouses as he goes to great lengths weaving a web that traps a mate by isolating her from other people and making her financially, socially, and emotionally dependent on him. Then suddenly the honeymoon is over.

Plus, there is such a thing as the cycle of abuse